First off—congratulations. Not just on the engagement (though that’s a big deal!), but on the fact that you’re having (or planning to have) the kinds of conversations most couples avoid until they absolutely have to. If you’re considering or actively working on a prenuptial agreement, it means you’re being intentional about this next chapter of your relationship and planning for a strong, resilient partnership. And that kind of foresight? It’s a powerful form of love.
Creating a prenup isn’t just about protecting assets—it’s a unique opportunity to start building financial intimacy as a couple. Because what can be more intimate than talking about money and all the feelings, beliefs, and life experiences wrapped up in it?
In this article, we’ll explore how to use the prenup process as a launchpad for deeper conversations—not just about money, but about values, fears, and long-term goals. You’ll get tips and strategies to navigate different money styles, stay emotionally connected when things feel tense, and create a shared financial life that feels secure and fair. Because the best prenups don’t just protect what you have—they support who you’re becoming together.
What is financial intimacy?
Financial intimacy is the ability to discuss money honestly and openly, including all the emotions that come with it, without losing your sense of connection as a couple.
It’s not just about budgets or spreadsheets. It’s about being able to say, “I’m scared,” “I feel left out,” or “I don’t think this is fair,” and knowing your partner will stay in the conversation with you. It can also show up as:
- Sharing your financial fears without shame
- Making decisions together, even when your POVs differ
- Understanding why money matters to your partner in the way it does (based on their history, identity, or values)
- Feeling like you’re on the same team, even during financial tension
In other words, financial intimacy isn’t about having the same money style. You just need to understand your differences and be able to talk about them. It means being vulnerable with each other and trusting that your partner will stay present, even during the hard conversations. That ability to stay emotionally connected through financial tension? That’s what makes a financial plan sustainable over the long haul.
Why money conversations matter so much—especially now
When you’re drafting a prenup, money—one way or another—is front and center. You’re talking about assets, debts, income, expectations, and future inheritances. And yes, a lot of that can feel awkward. Vulnerable. Even a little overwhelming.
But those very emotions are what make this moment perfect for building financial intimacy. Because money is deeply emotional. It’s tied to how we define safety, what we learned growing up, and how we build trust with someone else.
This is your chance to start laying down the patterns that will serve you for years to come. A little effort now can help make those habits your baseline. That way, future money talks feel more like teamwork and less like damage control. And sure, a bigger intervention down the line is always possible, but why not make things easier from the start?
Talk values before you talk numbers
When we say values, we mean what truly matters to you in how you live your life. For many couples, it’s easy to use a prenup as a starting point to set up logistics: budgets, account types, and who pays what. That’s a great habit to start, but it misses a key opportunity to learn about your partner’s money beliefs and where they come from.
As you’re doing all the responsible legal steps, add in time to explore what money means to you both. For one partner it might mean freedom; freedom to travel often, to say yes to learning opportunities or moving for that perfect job. For the other, it might mean stability; the ability to buy a home and settle in roots, protection to pay for emergencies without too much added stress.
Both definitions are valid. The intention for surfacing them is not to “decide” which one is right or wrong, but share more about yourself with your partner and vice versa. You want to open the doors to understand how these values came to be, and why it’s so important. These conversations help you see the intention beneath the habit, which is a powerful first step to finding common ground even in the hardest conversations.
Have micro-money dates to build confidence
Legal planning and building financial intimacy? Whew, that’s a lot (alongside any other wedding planning that’s taking place). So, let’s approach these conversations in small, manageable doses.
Start with low-stakes “money dates,” which are 15–20 minutes where you might look at a joint account, discuss one upcoming expense, or share a financial goal. Look at the emotions and thoughts that pop up and share them with each other. And over time you can build up to more sensitive topics. The more you practice, the safer it starts to feel. That safety transforms routine money talks into real financial intimacy.
Define what shared and separate will look like
When couples start building a life together, the question of whether to combine finances or keep things separate almost always comes up. If it hasn’t already, it probably will during the prenup process, and that’s actually a great time to pause and figure out what feels right for both of you.
There’s no one “correct” setup. Some couples throw everything into a joint account, while others stick with a “yours, mine, and ours” model. What really matters is being on the same page about a few key things: what counts as a shared expense, how you’ll make money decisions, and how much financial independence each of you wants to maintain.
If you’re working on a prenup, this is the perfect moment to talk through all of that—not in a punitive way, but in a way that builds clarity and trust. Think of it like setting up healthy boundaries, so you both feel secure, respected, and in sync moving forward.
When your money styles clash, slow down. Don’t shut down.
Even the most compatible couples will hit some friction when it comes to money. That’s normal. Focusing on how you (as a couple) will repair it will help bring you closer. And, as you talk through the multitude of legal aspects of a prenup, you’re sure to have a few opportunities to practice this.
Instead of trying to solve the surface issue (“Why did you spend that?”), try asking about what led to the decision or the emotional experience before, during or after. Questions like:
- What were you needing in that moment?
- What was your thought process leading up to the decision?
- What felt hard for you about how I brought it up?
Starting with these or similar questions can help you both get a bigger picture on what else was at play, and what might be driving the friction other than the pure finances of it.
And if you need help translating those emotions into healthy communication? That’s what couples therapy and/or a financial advisor is for. An unbiased professional can support you and your partner in these conversations, so you can build financial intimacy faster and smoother.
Final thoughts
Choosing to create a prenup is already a sign that you’re building your relationship with intention, transparency, and respect. And when you layer in emotional honesty and open communication about money, you’re not just protecting your future. You’re creating financial intimacy, something that will strengthen the foundation of your upcoming marriage.
Financial intimacy isn’t about agreeing on everything or having it all figured out. It’s about being vulnerable with each other (even when you don’t want to be), to be able ot talk through the tough stuff, and stay connected when things feel tense. And while the legal tools matter, it’s these conversations—honest, sometimes awkward, but deeply human—that shape the foundation of trust between you.
So whether you’re knee-deep in prenup negotiations or just beginning to sort out your financial future together, treat each conversation as a chance to get closer. Over time, these small moments of vulnerability and teamwork will become part of your relationship’s rhythm.
Heather Boneparth is an attorney-turned-writer who spent more than a decade in the insurance industry. She now runs business and legal affairs for Bone Fide Wealth, a next-gen wealth management firm in New York City, which was founded by her husband, Douglas. Their upcoming book, Money Together: How to find fairness in your relationship and become an unstoppable financial team, arrives this October. You can also subscribe to their couples and money newsletter, The Joint Account.
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