So things are going well. Like, really well. You’re sharing playlists. Making future plans. Maybe you’ve even whispered something that sounds suspiciously like “I could see myself marrying you.”
But… you’ve always known that if you find yourself in this position, you would want to have a prenup. Cue the internal panic. Because how exactly do you bring up a legal contract while you’re still learning each other’s coffee orders?
We’ll walk through the when, why, and how to talk about prenups early in dating, without making it too weird. You’ll learn what kind of mindset makes these convos go smoother, why this isn’t just about protecting assets, and how to set the tone so it brings you closer, not further apart.
First, let’s clear up what a prenup actually is
Most people think of prenups as protection for when you don’t trust your partner or believe that marriage will all end in divorce. But that’s an outdated way of thinking. At its core, a prenuptial agreement is just a framework. One that helps you and your future spouse make intentional decisions about your money, property, debt, and rights before getting married.
And like it or not, you have a prenup when you get married, whether you create one or not. The law already has a prenup for you via the default laws of your state. A formal prenuptial agreement ensures that you both are customizing the terms instead of putting it in the hands of a judge who has never met you.
But isn’t it too soon to bring up something this serious?
Not necessarily. We’re not talking about presenting a first draft. We’re talking about beginning the conversations to normalize this direction of conversation long before it’s time to sign anything.
Think about the core of the prenup conversations: values, plans, goals for the future. So, they’re all conversations you would have as you’re growing a healthy relationship, are the same you’ll cover in a prenup (But just in more detail). All these things can be emotionally charged, but the best way to approach them is with time and care; so the earlier you have these conversations, the more space you can do it well.
So, how can you bring this up? You can start with core values. Something like, “For any relationship, I really want to feel comfortable having open conversation and clarity about the real things—money, expectations, goals” can be a soft opening. To bring up the idea of a prenup directly, something along the lines of, “What do you know about a prenup? For me, if I were ever to take the next step, I’d want to explore one so my partner and I can have that clarity and agreement together.”
That’s it. It may feel awkward, but that one sentence can start to lay a foundation. You’re not saying we’re getting married, but it won’t feel like a surprise to your partner if it were to come up.
Why bringing it up early can be a green flag
Here’s the thing: the couples who can talk about hard things (before they’re urgent) are usually the ones who last. That’s because you’re building your communication skills to address uncomfortable topics, you’re building up your muscle to address conflict, and you’re showing each other you care enough to address things.
What not to do when you bring up a prenup
The flip side is yes, bringing up a prenup while dating can elicit some awkward conversation, and there is a possibility a conversation can go sideways. So, to help avoid that, consider:
- The realities of your relationship stage: The stage of your relationship can help inform when and how you bring up the idea of a prenup. If the idea of moving in or a proposal is clearly on your minds you may be able to discuss it more directly. If you’re in new relationship (but this is a strong value for you), you might bring up the idea of the prenup and why you agree with the idea overall versus diving into the specifics first.
- Don’t spring it mid-argument: Timing matters. Tossing in an idea like this during other charged moments doesn’t set you up for success. Try opening this talk up when you’re both relatively calm and present.
- Don’t make it about fear: If it sounds like, “I’ve been burned before and I need to protect myself,” it can trigger defensiveness from the other person. Keep it grounded in personal values and not from a place of pure self-preservation.
- Don’t make it transactional: Being realistic and addressing the logistics will come and it’s probably best to not start there. Initiating the conversation in that way can come off transactional, and can trigger an emotional reaction from your partner that can make it hard to engage with the conversation moving forward.
- Don’t turn it into a lecture: This isn’t your TED Talk on the benefits of prenups or divorce stats; it’s about sharing your perspectives and requests and being curious about theirs. Hammering them with why they should want this as well may feel coercive or cause them to shut down, pull away, or push back, even if they are open to the idea.
Taking the first step
It’s normal to be nervous and, after all the what-not-to-do’s, you may feel even more wary. So start simple with a clear, kind tone, and a little self-awareness can go a long way. Something like, “I know prenuptial agreements have a bad rap, but what do you think about it?” can open the door. How they react can help you decide what your next steps will be.
And, if you need to, feel free to practice this! Try initiating the conversation with low-pressure people—a friend, a colleague, or a family member. You can see how different people react and also build up a bit of exposure to the process to help bring down any anxiety.
What if they react poorly?
Sometimes, people hear “prenup” and immediately go to worst-case scenarios. That’s not your fault and no matter what you do, you may not be able to avoid that reaction. The topic can bring up lots of different things; cultural narratives, family dynamics, or painful personal experiences.
If your person gets defensive, consider pausing and shifting to emotionally supporting them. Note their reaction (I think this is bringing up a lot of feelings, we can def pause the conversation), offer support (What can I do to help right now?) and revisiting this conversation another time (We can talk about this another time when you’re more up for it).
Sharing your intention for the conversation can also help them understand where you’re coming from to combat any automatic fears or assumptions that may have arisen on their end.
And if they can’t hear you, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything about your relationship. And, depending on how the conversations continue or don’t, it may be a signal of a mismatch of communication or conflict resolution. And that is worth paying attention to earlier on.
Final thoughts: Talking prenups early won’t ruin the spark—it’ll build the foundation
Bringing up a prenup when you’re still dating may be counterintuitive from everything you’ve ever been told. But if this is someone who is even thinking about marriage with, beginning the conversation about a prenuptial agreement earlier will set you up for success in the long run.
Normalize it early on and give yourselves the gift of time to talk about what is important to you both and how those can be integrated together. No rush. No ultimatums. Just conversations handled with openness, curiosity, and authenticity will help you both get to know each other better and isn’t that the goal of dating in the first place?
Because the goal isn’t just to fall in love, it’s to build something that lasts. And that means learning to talk about the hard stuff, early and often, without killing the vibe.
Anna Howerton is a double-certified Relationship Coach who helps individuals and couples navigate relationships in crisis—whether they’re fighting to save a marriage or rebuilding after divorce. With undergraduate degrees in Psychology and Political Science from UNC Chapel Hill, she brings a rare mix of academic insight and real-world leadership experience, including 18 years leading global talent teams, serving as a Senior Admissions Counselor at The Wharton School, UPenn and as Chief of Staff at a growth-stage company that scaled from zero to hundreds of millions in revenue in just three years. Based in Raleigh, NC, and Orange County, CA, Anna works virtually and in person with clients nationwide.
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