Only 23% of Americans say that open marriages are acceptable. For most Americans, the concept of monogamy is natural for them, and the thought of “opening up a relationship” to include other people may sound extremely scary and foreign. But what happens when your partner tells you they want to explore this option? Do you immediately leave them or try it out?
We spoke with an anonymous user who wanted to share his story about his recent run-in with non-monogamous relationships at his wife’s request. But first, let’s talk a little bit about what non-monogamy is (and isn’t).
What an open marriage is (and what it isn’t)
Let’s discuss what an open marriage is (and what it isn’t) as there are lots of misconceptions floating around about what an open marriage actually is:
Open Marriage vs. Swinging:
- Open Marriage: Focuses on individual connections, which may be sexual, romantic, or both. Both partners have the freedom to pursue outside relationships independently.
- Swinging: Couples engage in casual sexual encounters with other couples or individuals, usually together. Emphasis is on physical activity, not emotional bonds.
Open Marriage vs. Polyamory:
- Open Marriage: This can involve emotional connections with outside partners but doesn’t require them. The primary relationship remains central.
- Polyamory: Involves being in a committed relationship with multiple people at once with everyone’s consent. The focus is on creating a network of loving connections. Some people call this being a “throuple” (if the couple is a pair of 3 people).
Takeaway: Open marriages offer flexibility for dating and having relationships outside of just the marriage. Each couple defines what “open” means for them – from purely sexual to deeply emotional outside bonds.
A journey into open marriage: A husband’s perspective
My wife’s request to open our marriage felt like a punch to the gut. Confusion, doubt, and even a bit of anger washed over me. Had I failed her somehow?
Her Explanation: It wasn’t about me. She loved me but felt a deep yearning for something beyond traditional monogamy – a realization sparked by an online forum.
My Decision: Shock aside, I wanted to hear her out. After much soul-searching, I agreed to try, trusting her love for me.
Exploring Options: We dipped our toes into swinging, attending parties, and seeking out other open couples. It was…enlightening, to say the least. We ultimately decided swinging wasn’t for us.
The Takeaway: At the end of the day, we realized having an open marriage (non-monogamy) wasn’t our long-term path. But the process was invaluable. It forced tough conversations, deepened our understanding of ourselves, and ultimately made our bond even stronger.
One Reddit user’s wife’s request for an open marriage
In a Reddit post from around January of 2024, Reddit user u/Cultural-Shape5035 made a post about how his wife asked him for an open marriage, and he feels like he’s headed for divorce…but wrote the post seeking advice.
This revelation left him devastated and questioning their future together. To sum up the post, the couple has been married for three years, with no prior indications of the wife having an interest in polyamory. During their emotional conversation, she expressed that she has felt a void and that she desires more sexual variety, including experiences he cannot provide. “Despite her love for me,” u/Cultural-Shape5035 noted, “she believes this step is necessary before we start a family.” He stated how this makes him feel insecure and conflicted, and he struggles to understand her needs.
Seeking advice and clarity, u/Cultural-Shape5035 spent the night researching open marriages at his parents’ house. He ends the post by saying, “I’m reaching out for guidance on how to navigate this challenging situation.”
The top commenter with 45 upvotes explains that couples don’t suddenly change their relationship to open/poly; it requires extensive discussion and mutual interest. “The bottom line is a person does not become polyamorous or want an open relationship overnight. There are other things going on here that you aren’t aware of – yet,” this person advised.
The commenter further explains that if his wife insists on an open marriage regardless of his feelings, it could be “polyamorous under duress.” The advisor warned the original poster (OP) to consider if his wife is already cheating and trying to normalize it, noting the abruptness and her emotional state as bad signs.
The commenter suggested taking six months to a year to understand the poly lifestyle, get counseling, and work through his emotions. If his wife can’t accept this, it’s a major red flag. “Good luck to you,” they concluded.
Exploring non-monogamy: Tips for couples
If you clicked on this article, your partner may want to open the relationship (or you do) – now what? Here are some tips on how to handle it thoughtfully:
It’s Your Choice: You’re not obligated to agree. If it makes you deeply uncomfortable, be honest about that.
Open Communication is Key:
- Listen Thoughtfully: Understand your partner’s reasons and desires. This isn’t just about their needs, but yours too.
- Be Honest: Share your own feelings, concerns, and fears, even if it’s uncertainty.
- Talk Logistics: If you do try it, discuss the practical side: what’s allowed, what’s off-limits, etc.
Beware of Jealousy:
- It’s Normal: Acknowledge it may happen. Don’t shame yourself or your partner for these feelings.
- Communication is Key: Talk about insecurities that jealousy may be highlighting.
Boundaries are Essential:
- Protect Your Needs: Set clear rules around emotional intimacy, sexual contact, time commitment, etc.
- Boundaries Can Evolve: Revisit and adjust them as you learn what works for your relationship.
Take it Slow:
- Speak Up: This is a big change! Don’t feel pressured to rush into anything, and speak up if things are moving too fast.
- Ease into It: Take it step by step in a fashion that you are comfortable with.
Mutual Respect is Non-Negotiable:
- Honor Your Partner: Listen to their feelings and be sensitive to their needs within your agreed-upon boundaries.
- Expect the Same: Your concerns matter too. A healthy dynamic is balanced.
Support System:
- Find Your Tribe: Online forums, meetups, or a therapist who understands non-monogamy can offer guidance.
Honesty is Always the Best Policy:
- Check-in: Talk openly about how it’s going. Is this working for BOTH of you?
- Don’t Hide Discomfort: If you’re struggling, say so. Renegotiating or even ending the experiment are valid options.
The bottom line on open marriages
While many still embrace traditional monogamy (2 people in a relationship), desires outside these norms are valid and can be growth opportunities if you feel comfortable.
Embracing non-monogamy is a personal choice; you don’t have to agree to it. Being honest about your limits is just as crucial as exploring new territory. Most importantly… communication, communication, communication—whether you say “no” or try it and find it doesn’t work, these conversations can strengthen your bond.
Open marriages are not just about sex; they involve deeper questions about love, trust, and the shape of your ideal relationship, benefiting both partners in their self-discovery. There’s no shame in deciding it’s not for you; the journey itself can be valuable.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about non-monogamy
Here are some more FAQs about how to approach the open marriage question.
Q: What percentage of open marriages end in divorce?
A: According to one study, 92% of open marriages end in divorce.
Q: Can non-monogamy lead to jealousy?
A: Jealousy is a natural emotion and definitely can be triggered in a non-monogamous relationship. However, open, honest, and clear communication, plus setting boundaries, can help reduce those feelings of jealousy.
Q: How do I know if I’m ready for non-monogamy?
A: If you feel secure and stable in your current relationship, and you’re not looking to non-monogamy as an escape. If you’re looking for an escape from the relationship, you may need couples therapy or to consider breaking off the relationship. You may also want to check in with yourself regarding your insecurities because non-monogamy can be tough on someone who is insecure.
Q: Does my spouse not love me anymore if they want to pursue non-monogamy?
A: Not necessarily. Sometimes, people go through life suppressing certain feelings and desires, and those desires come to a head at some point in their lives, whether it’s one year or twenty years down the line. Your partner can still love you deeply while wanting to explore their identity and personal emotions via non-monogamy.
Q: Can non-monogamous relationships be emotionally fulfilling?
A: Yes, non-monogamous relationships can be emotionally fulfilling as long as all parties involved are aware of and are consenting. Emotional connections may or may not be involved in non-monogamous relationships, depending on the type of non-monogamy.
David F Khalili is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, board-certified sexologist, author of Mental Health Workbook for Men, founder of Rouse Relational Wellness, a boutique sex and relationship therapy center serving San Francisco and all of California, and recently started Rouse Academy, an online learning platform to address sex and anxiety.
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