For many of us, the fear of commitment, the pressure to live up to societal expectations, and the echoes of our parents’ failed relationships can create a symphony of doubt about marriage. But here’s the thing: it’s perfectly normal to feel scared. In fact, it’s almost weird not to feel a little apprehensive about merging your life, your quirks, and your sock drawers with another human being.
So, take a deep breath. We’re about to dive into the most common fears that plague us in marriage, offering expert advice and a healthy dose of humor to help you navigate the journey of “I do.”
1. Fear of divorce
Many committed couples choose not to marry specifically because they are afraid of divorce…
During quiet moments, do you sometimes hear a little voice in the back of your mind whispering, “What if it doesn’t work out?” Actually, it’s not a bad thing to be aware of the possibility that your marriage could end one day. It is often those who feel invincible who find themselves unprepared and in unsavory situations. It can and does happen that one or both people in a couple are so sure of their relationship that they stop investing because they take it for granted.
However, fear of divorce should not stop you from getting married–that is, if you are indeed ready and if you truly want a lifetime commitment with your current partner. One way to move forward with the relationship while covering all your bases in case of divorce is to get a prenup. The process of drafting a prenup forces you to think through and plan for what will happen if the marriage doesn’t work out. Many couples find that writing a prenup helps put their minds at ease, quiets that nagging little ‘what if’ voice, and allows them to worry less about the possibility of divorce.
2. Fear of ending up like our parents
According to the Pew Research Center, 24% of Millennials say that their parents divorced during their upbringing. That’s nearly 1/4th of the whole generation! And that’s not including those Millennials whose parents divorced in their adulthood! Plus, that number is much higher than previous generations. For instance, only 15% of Boomers were raised in a divorced family.
Maybe your parents aren’t quite divorced, but they do have an unhappy marriage. Maybe their relationship is one of constant bickering. Whatever the situation, it’s only fair that adult children would be apprehensive about getting married themselves.
Among the most potent tools for cultivating self-awareness is therapy. It’s not just mentally ill people who go to therapy; therapy is useful for anyone who aims to shed light on their blind spots and develop a fuller understanding of themselves, their patterns and intrinsic motivations, and the people around them. You can tell a therapist that your main aim is to stop your relationship from ending up like your parents, and they will work with you to analyze, understand, and gain some control over any of your own negative relational tendencies that you may have inherited from your parents.
3. Fear of falling out of love
This is one of the most hard-hitting marital fears simply because pop culture is saturated with stories, memes, and jokes about stereotypical old married couples between whom the spark has died. This stereotype is not without truth; many couples are dismayed to look back after a number of years and discover that their partner no longer excites them and that the love they feel (if it’s still there at all) is strictly platonic.
The good news? None of this has to happen. In fact, it’s probably healthy to fear it a little bit because that means you’re aware of the possibility that it could happen and, therefore, are better positioned to prevent it. There are many, many ways to nurture your emotional connection with your spouse so that this won’t happen. For example, Dr. Vivian Oberling provided some ways to bolster emotional connection, including focusing on conversation, validating feelings, asking questions, and ultimately trying couples therapy.
4. Fear of stress
Yep, it’s possible and completely valid to fear stress. More specifically, married couples sometimes fear the effect marital stress could have on their relationships. They’re not wrong to worry; stress can indeed negatively affect relationships, such as by creating tension, moody behavior, and lashing out.
Luckily, stress does not have to have such a negative effect on relationships. It can even be beneficial. Instead of bottling up stress in order to appear strong or try to protect one another, partners should try to normalize sharing their difficulties, being open to receiving support, and supporting one another through stressful time periods. Doing so can make the relationship stronger. Rather than seeing stress as a threat to the relationship, couples can try seeing it as a challenge that they can have the resources to overcome if they face it together as a team.
5. Fear of money problems
Money, money, money…it has the power to help us build a stable life for ourselves, take us around the world, or free us from the need to spend our days working. On the other hand, the lack of money can disempower us by keeping us locked into dead-end jobs and endless cycles of bills that seem to pile up faster than we can pay them. For better or for worse, issues related to money also have the power to make or break a marriage.
When partners who are not innately financially compatible get married without having figured out how to successfully navigate their differences, guess what happens? Money becomes a constant source of tension in their marriages, putting strain on the relationship over the long term.
However, the good news is that financial compatibility is frequently built rather than innate. Just because you earn, spend, or view money differently than your partner doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed to fail; there is a multitude of ways you can achieve financial compatibility despite starting from different places:
- Keep a joint account for certain joint expenses while maintaining separate accounts to ensure some level of financial independence
- Learn how to compromise. If you’re a saver and your partner is a spender, compromise on what budget makes you both happy.
- Get a prenup to outline expectations and boundaries around finances
6. Fear of child-rearing
Another major fear in marriage is conflicts over having children. Like the other fears listed above, this one is also legitimate. Although some couples plan their parenting styles in advance, many couples either don’t discuss parenting styles or don’t even know if they want to have kids when getting married. (Heck, with the state of the planet, can you blame them?). Once you have kids (if you decide to), you may come to realize you both have very different parenting styles. This can definitely cause a rift. In addition, having kids can bring up a myriad of unexpected obstacles, such as children with behavioral issues.
Fortunately, conflicts or difficulties that arise as a result of child-rearing can absolutely be dealt with in ways that are nourishing for the marriage. Here, too, seeing a marriage and family therapist can be extremely helpful. Intentionally and regularly taking time together (without the kids) can also help make your relationship more resilient. Finally, remember that your partner should not be your only support, and treating them as such can put unnecessary pressure on them and on your marriage. Utilize your friends and family as parts of your support network, too.
Final thoughts on the biggest fears in marriage
Fears regarding divorce, ending up like one’s parents, falling out of love, stress, money problems, and kid problems are normal, understandable, and valid. Although you may never completely conquer these fears, you can keep them in check and use them as learning and growth opportunities by following the advice outlined above.
Nicole Sheehey is the Head of Legal Content at HelloPrenup, and an Illinois licensed attorney. She has a wealth of knowledge and experience when it comes to prenuptial agreements. Nicole has Juris Doctor from John Marshall Law School. She has a deep understanding of the legal and financial implications of prenuptial agreements, and enjoys writing and collaborating with other attorneys on the nuances of the law. Nicole is passionate about helping couples locate the information they need when it comes to prenuptial agreements. You can reach Nicole here: Nicole@Helloprenup.com
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