Asking your spouse for a postnuptial agreement can feel daunting, especially if the topic of finances has been sensitive in your relationship. However, postnuptial agreements can serve as a valuable tool for couples, offering clarity and protection in various scenarios. This guide will help you thoughtfully approach the conversation with your spouse, without causing a fight, and ensuring that both of you feel respected and understood.
First…what is a postnup?
Before we dive in and discuss the steps to ask your spouse for a postnup, let’s take a quick review of what a postnup is. A postnuptial agreement is a legal document created after the wedding day that outlines how assets, debts, and other financial matters will be handled in the event of divorce, separation, or death. Unlike prenuptial agreements, which are signed before marriage, postnuptial agreements are made after the couple has tied the knot. Postnups can protect individual assets, clarify financial responsibilities, or address changes in financial circumstances.
There are lots of different reasons a couple may get a postnup. A few of the most common are:
- Change in Financial Situation: A sudden increase in income, starting a business, or acquiring significant assets might prompt a couple to consider a postnuptial agreement to protect these new assets.
- Change in Relationship: A significant change in a marital relationship, such as having children when they weren’t expected, disabilities, illnesses, relationship dynamic shifts, etc.
- Protecting Inherited Assets: If one spouse receives a significant inheritance during the marriage, a postnuptial agreement can help ensure the inheritance remains separate property.
- Debt Protection: If one spouse incurs debt, a postnuptial agreement can protect the other spouse from being held responsible.
- Getting Married Young: Some couples take this opportunity to have conversations they wish they had before marriage. With age and life experience, they find it’s an excellent opportunity to discuss their situation openly and build trust by being on the same page.
Step 1: Prep. Prep. Prep.
Some things in life you can wing…but this is not one of those things. Being prepared is so much more than knowing what a postnup is—it involves understanding why you want or need one and anticipating the possible drawbacks. Give this request the time and respect it deserves.
Be honest with yourself. Take a few moments to identify why you are asking for a postnup—not only the logistics but also the emotional drivers. Maybe your parents got divorced, or you experienced terrible relationships in the past. Maybe you’ve been broke, and any possibility of that freaks you out. Ask yourself:
- Why do I want this postnup?
- What feelings come up when I think about having a postnup?
- What feelings come up when I think of never having one?
- Where do these feelings come from?
Research. Understand what a postnup is (we have tons of resources on HelloPrenup’s blog), including a postnup’s benefits and drawbacks. This knowledge enables you to provide your spouse with clear information, answer their questions (or at least some of them), and show that you’re intentional about the process.
Anticipate Reactions. Lose the rose-colored glasses and be real with yourself. How will your partner react? Will they be surprised, offended, or understanding? You can’t predict with 100% certainty, but you can prepare for different reactions to help navigate the conversation as smoothly as possible.
Practice What You’ll Say. Rehearsing what you’ll say can help you feel more confident. Even practicing your opening lines can help lower your (valid) anxiety and decrease the chance you’ll misspeak or be misunderstood. If you really want to prepare, try it out on a trusted friend or family member and get their feedback. You can also record yourself and watch it back as if you were your spouse.
Step 2: Schedule the conversation
Don’t spring this conversation on your spouse! You’ve had time to prepare, so help prepare them as much as possible. Timing is everything. Avoid bringing up the topic during an argument or stressful period. Make sure you give yourselves a timing buffer – don’t try to do this before you head to a family dinner or paintballing with friends. Choose a calm and private setting. Remember to ask yourself what space is comforting and safe for your partner, not just you. Reminder: The first conversation may be short, so being near home or home may be a good call; your partner might want space or privacy afterward to process.
Step 3: Share. Ask. Then stop. (Plus, some example conversation starters)
Keep your first conversation simple, and don’t expect to get a yes or no from your spouse right away. Why?! You’re honoring their feelings by giving them the space to understand what a postnup means for them individually.
Be Clear. Be direct about the conversation’s intention. “I’ve been thinking about our financial situation and wanted to explore the possibility of a postnup.”
Share Your Reasons. Thanks to your prep work, you’re prepared to share why you’re thinking of or wanting a postnup. Share this with your spouse. The more you share, the less chance there is for misconceptions or suspicion. “You know my parents went through a divorce, and it was just so much more stressful and painful than it needed to be. I never want to get divorced, but if we ever had to face that, I want it to be a little less painful and based on something we created together when we were happy.”
Share Your Fears. To avoid sounding disingenuous, don’t shy away from your worries about a postnup or concerns you had when you first started thinking about it. It can be comforting and more convincing if you show that you’ve thought about the whole picture and still believe this is the right move for you both. “I was really worried that talking about a postnup might make you consider the possibility of divorce more. But then I’m also really confident in us and where we’re at right now, so I don’t want that to us back from talking about anything.”
Check-in. Talk to your spouse about your thoughts and feelings. Give them the space to ask questions. “I know I’ve had time to think about this, so I want to check in on how you’re feeling or what’s coming up for you?”
Stop. This might seem counterintuitive, but plan to stop after this point in the conversation—or at least to stop leading the conversation. This is when you give the reins to your partner—they can use the space to discuss more, ask questions, and share their (perhaps very strong) feelings and reactions. But plan to give them the space to process and go through the same prep steps you did, especially if the concept of a postnuptial agreement is new to them. “Unless you want to talk more, I wanted to give you time to think about it. Can we talk more tomorrow or this weekend? I can share all the info I found and questions I had, if that helps?”
Plan to Talk Again. While you may not be continuing the conversation today, don’t let your spouse leave without the understanding that you want to speak more. “When do you want to sit down and talk more about the idea of a postnup? Maybe Saturday?”
Step 4: Give them space
To clarify—space can mean a lot of things: space to process alone, space to process together, space to ask questions, space to talk to family/friends, or space to be scared. The bottom line is this: help support your partner and prioritize their needs during this period.
Step 5: Circle back & discuss
When the time is right, come together and discuss the idea (or your request) for a postnuptial agreement.
Address Concerns. It’s natural for you both to still have concerns or reservations. Often, people will worry that a postnup means:
- Impending divorce
- Distrust
- Being taken advantage of (legally or financially)
List all your questions, concerns, and worries. Go through them individually and figure out what can help alleviate it. The answer might be more information, talking to an expert, or validation.
Get into the Nitty-Gritty. Start the postnup process by identifying key issues (like asset division, debt responsibility, and spousal support) and being transparent with financial and asset disclosures. The conversation here may mirror that of those couples in the prenup process.
Talk to Experts. It’s normal and recommended that both spouses talk to their attorneys so that you can both walk away with the confidence that your interests are protected. Also, if the need arises, talk to financial experts and therapists. These conversations are tough, and the impacts, both financially and emotionally, can be steep. Don’t be afraid to seek support.
Bonus postnup conversation tips
Here are some general communication strategies:
Use Reflective Listening. Acknowledge and clarify your spouse’s concerns. This will help them feel heard and understood during the conversation. Examples:
- It sounds like you’re worried that getting a postnup will set us up for a divorce.
- Let me know if I’m misunderstanding, but you’re having trouble with…
- Are you feeling like your family will be upset about a postnup?
Ask Open-Ended Questions. This will help encourage your spouse to express their thoughts and feelings in more detail so you can better understand their perspective. They’ll also feel appreciated and valued because you’re taking the time to listen and not assume. And, no matter how well you know your spouse, they may surprise you with their thoughts. Examples:
- What are your main worries about signing a postnup?
- What would help make it easier to talk about?
- Can you help me understand…
- What else…
Validate. Acknowledge and thank your spouse for having the conversations and participating in this process for you. A little validation can go a long way during a difficult conversation! Examples:
- Thank you for being open to talking all this through
- I really appreciate how much you care about us
- I’m glad we’re doing this together, even if it’s a hard convo
Final thoughts on asking your spouse for a postnup
Asking your spouse for a postnuptial agreement may seem intimidating, but there are ways to prepare and increase the odds of a beneficial conversation. With preparation, intentionality, and emotional support, this can be a positive step for your marriage. Remember that this should be a collaborative process focused on providing equity and fairness to both parties. In doing that, you can create a postnuptial agreement that protects you and strengthens your marriage foundation.
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