Are you feeling like your marriage has lost its spark? Do you want to reignite the passion and excitement you once had with your partner? If so, you’re not alone. Many couples go through periods where their relationship feels stagnant or unfulfilling. However, there are things you can do to spice up your marriage and reignite that flame. Things like date nights, role-playing, vacations, and much more. Let’s explore some tips and ideas on how to do just that.
Prioritize date nights
Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you should stop going on dates. Plan regular date nights with your partner, and try to do something different each time. This will keep things exciting and give you something to look forward to. Try to steer clear of talking about difficult topics or any mundane items on your to-do list. Stuck on what to do? Here are some fun ideas for date nights:
- Cook a new recipe together and have a candlelit dinner at home.
- Go stargazing at your local park with a blanket and a bottle of wine.
- Plan a movie marathon with each person picking one favorite movie.
- Visit a local museum or exhibit.
- Have a game night with board games, movies, and snacks.
- Go for a sunset hike and bring a small picnic for dinner.
- Take a spontaneous road trip to a nearby town or landmark.
- Write each other a list of the reasons why you love them and read them aloud over dinner.
A date night doesn’t have to be expensive or extensive. It can be as simple as a cozy dinner at home together, talking about your love!
Approach each other for the first time…Again
Try interacting with your partner as if you had never met them. Try using a fresh pair of eyes when you do this so you can re-experience the spark you had at the beginning of the relationship. What do you notice about your partner that gives you butterflies again? Ask them questions you haven’t asked in years—or ever. Be curious about their dreams, passions, or even their day-to-day thoughts. For example, here are some questions you can ask them:
- What city would you live in if you could live anywhere?
- What would you do if you were given $10 million right now?
- What’s your favorite memory of us?
Flirt like you’re still getting to know each other. Small gestures, like complimenting their smile or laughing at their jokes, can rekindle that original excitement. This mindset shift can turn routine interactions into meaningful moments of genuine connection, like how you felt when you first met.
Take a vacation
Sometimes all you need is a change of scenery to spice things up. Plan a vacation with your partner to a place you’ve never been before. This will give you both something to look forward to and a chance to reconnect. It doesn’t need to be an all-inclusive luxury vacay either— even if it’s just a camping trip or weekend getaway to a local hotspot, it can be a great way to rekindle that spark.
Good ol’ quality time
While it may seem simple, spending quality time together can really help reconnect you and your partner. This doesn’t have to mean you need to go hang-gliding together on a weekend. It can be as simple as going for a walk in your neighborhood together, cooking a recipe together, playing a board game, or watching a movie (with no phones!).
Mindful hand holding
Take some time to hold each other’s hands and simply work to be present with the sight and sensation of this act. What does their hand feel like in yours? How heavy is it? What does their skin feel like? Sink into the moment with each other to bring a sense of physical and emotional closeness.
Surprise each other
Surprises are a great way to keep things exciting in a marriage. Plan a surprise date night or weekend getaway for your partner, or surprise them with a thoughtful gift. This will show them that you care, and it will help keep the romance alive. It doesn’t necessarily need to be extravagant; it can be as simple as a surprise note in their work bag, cooking them their favorite meal as a surprise, curating a playlist for them, or cleaning up the house as a surprise.
Spend time apart
After going through COVID, many couples have learned to live, work, and be in each other’s orbit 24/7. Try getting some space from each other to allow room to miss each other and build anticipation. Maybe it’s a weekend away with your friends or spending a day or two with your siblings. Or it could be as simple as not spending all of your free time together for one week. As Esther Perel says, you need air to create fire!
Treat each other to a massage
Physical touch is one of the five main love languages, and important for many to feel connected to their partner. However, in long term relationships, physical touch can be loaded with resentments, expectations, or complicated due to stress or physical impairments. If it makes sense for you as a couple, make time to give each other a massage!
Show affection
Actions speak louder than words! Show your boo that you love them by giving them some affection. Maybe it’s some words of affirmation (you look beautiful today!) or maybe it’s touching their knee while watching a movie. Whatever your form of affection is will do the trick! Making a conscious effort to show your partner affection each day is a great way to spice things up.
Take up a new hobby together
Taking up a new hobby together is a great way to bond and spend time together. Have no clue what hobby to choose? Here are some ideas to get the wheels turning:
- Cooking or baking (take a class in person or simply try new recipes together)
- Salsa lessons
- Hiking
- Take an art class (like pottery 101)
- Take up an interest in wine (start going to wine tastings, wineries, and/or ordering from wine subscription boxes, etc.)
- Bike riding
- Start a book club together (just the two of you start reading the same book!)
- Gardening (tag team growing a new vegetable in your backyard)
- Learn a new language together (there are tons of free apps and online classes that you two can try together)
- Rollerblading (bring back that 80s-90s nostalgia!)
- Camping
- Yoga (there are free videos on YouTube these days)
- Playing cards together
Whether it’s cooking, dancing, or hiking, make sure it’s something you both enjoy and make it a regular activity. Having something new and fun to discuss can help reignite that spark.
Prioritize self-care
This may seem counterintuitive. How will focusing on myself spice up my marriage? Well, making sure your needs are met is essential for showing up for your spouse. When you feel good, look good, and are rested, you have more energy to bring your best self to the relationship. If you are cared for and your cup is full, you can better “pour into” your relationship, like cooking them a meal or writing them a love letter.
Create a bucket list together
Sit down together and create a shared bucket list of things you want to do together before you die. This could be as small as trying the new restaurant down the street to as big as living in another country. Whatever floats your boat! This can help the two of you connect on a deeper level and start sparking some romance.
Get out of your routine
Sometimes, all you need to spice up your marriage is to break out of your routine. Try doing something completely different, like going out to eat on a Friday night if you usually order in pizza, or going on a spontaneous road trip for a weekend getaway. Getting out of your comfort zone can help spark new conversations or drum up excitement which can, in turn, ignite some sparks in the relationship.
Practice Gratitude
Practicing gratitude can help you appreciate your partner and the relationship more. Take time each day to think about the things you’re grateful for in your life, your social circle, and especially in your marriage. Don’t forget to express this gratitude to your partner so they feel appreciated. Jotting these things down in a journal, whether together or independently, can help spark conversation and help to rekindle the spark.
Practice random acts of kindness
If you know your partner loves a lox bagel on a Sunday morning, why don’t you go pick one up for them? Or maybe they always ask you to give them a foot massage after a long day of work. Instead of letting them ask you, offer up your massage services! The small acts of kindness go a long way and can revitalize your relationship in many ways.
Seek professional help if necessary
If you’re really struggling to spice up your marriage, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. A couples therapist can help you identify underlying issues and provide tools to improve your relationship. For example, a therapist can guide you in improving communication, rebuilding emotional intimacy, and navigating difficult topics like finances, taking care of elderly parents, or unmet needs—all of which can reignite connection and strengthen your bond. Win-win!
The bottom line on reigniting your relationship’s spark
If you’re feeling like your marriage has turned into a mundane-ship, and you want to spice it up, we totally get it! Spice is key to maintaining a healthy and happy relationship. Whether you try spending more quality time, getting massages, or taking up hiking as a new hobby together, there are tons of ways you can reignite the passion and excitement in your marriage. If none of the above tricks work, you can always seek help from the professionals. And most importantly, don’t get discouraged. All marriages take work, and putting in this effort will be worth it in the long run!
David F Khalili is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, board-certified sexologist, author of Mental Health Workbook for Men, founder of Rouse Relational Wellness, a boutique sex and relationship therapy center serving San Francisco and all of California, and recently started Rouse Academy, an online learning platform to address sex and anxiety.
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