In today’s world, many of us have noticed the rise of loneliness in our society. The US Surgeon General’s 2023 report highlighted alarming statistics about this “loneliness epidemic,” emphasizing its detrimental effects on mental and physical health. Loneliness (as defined by the inadequacy of meaningful relationships) is as harmful to our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day and increasing our risk for premature death. Unfortunately, those in committed relationships and marriages are not immune. Individuals in relationships may still grapple with loneliness, underscoring the importance of genuine emotional connection within partnerships. How do you build and keep the love alive? In other words, how do you develop and maintain a strong emotional bond to keep your relationship healthy? Let’s explore practical strategies to foster that connection with each other through conversations.
The key to keeping a strong relationship healthy
Good conversation. To keep your already strong relationship healthy and connected, the first step is to get good at conversing. Here are some tips for better conversations:
- Skip small talk: There is a place and time for small talk. Don’t be afraid to dive into an honest conversation with your partner. Not sure what to talk about or where to begin? No worries! Check out the section below on conversation starters.
- Be intentional: Set aside time for authentic connection. Don’t try to do this while doing chores or watching TV. Give each other your full attention. If it feels uncomfortable at first, start small. Set aside 5 minutes to start; soon, you’ll be surprised how long your conversations will go.
- Be vulnerable: Love and vulnerability are two sides of the same coin. You can’t have one without the other. Leaning into the vulnerability with your partner allows you more opportunities for intimacy and trust.
- Really listen. Don’t listen to respond: You will be surprised by what you can learn about your partner just by listening to them. Remove the desire to problem-solve, answer, or prove a point—just listen.
- Be curious: Ask your partner questions. Don’t assume you know how they feel, think, or even what they need or want. Ask them!
Bottom line? Don’t stop talking, being intentional, being genuinely curious, and being vulnerable. This helps keep a strong relationship strong.
Here are some great conversation starters to try
Ready to start these conversations, but need help figuring out what to talk about? Try these convo starters:
What’s something you haven’t shared with anyone yet?
We may keep things to ourselves for various reasons – we don’t want to burden our loved ones, we don’t want to think about it, or it may bring up complicated feelings (shame, sadness, stress). Sharing these things builds trust and opportunities to support each other.
What’s a memory of us that always makes you smile?
Nostalgia is a powerful tool. Remembering and talking about “the good times” lets you relive the positive feelings associated with those memories. It also provides the opportunity to learn more about each other. Why that memory? What about it do they love?
What’s one of your best childhood memories, and what is one of your worst?
We all have a range of childhood memories. Sharing the good and the bad with your partner allows you to be vulnerable. It also provides context for our partner about how we grew up and what shaped us into who we are today.
When do you feel supported by me? What would you like more of?
Let your partner know what they’re doing well and your appreciation for them. Then, expand the conversation to learn what your partner may need more of. Everyone’s needs change over time, and checking in with each other ensures you support each other in the best way possible. This question also lets you practice making requests of each other.
What’s keeping you up at night?
Learn more about what is causing your partner stress, anxiety, or sadness. Explicitly asking them lets them know you want to hear about it. It’s a vulnerable and intimate conversation to have. And you can walk out knowing how to better support each other. It can also help you understand what is currently driving your partner’s (and your own) behaviors.
What’s an apology you haven’t given?
This question pulls for vulnerability. Is there an apology that you or your partner has yet to give, and why? You’ll learn about your partner’s past experiences, their regrets, and their thought process.
Imagine yourself at your 80th birthday party – what do you hope people will say?
What are your hopes and dreams? Answering a question such as this, allows you both to put yourself get a better sense of your values and hopes. You can then help support each other in getting there.
How’s our sex life? What do you want more of, and what do you want less of?
Increase your emotional intimacy to increase your physical intimacy. Desires and needs can change over time, so conversations about your sexual lives are healthy! This also includes other intimate acts that allow you to feel close to one another.
The bottom line on keeping your relationship healthy
Building and maintaining a healthy relationship requires ongoing effort and commitment from both partners. Without that, loneliness can seep in and begin to degrade the relationship.
Keep the love alive and prioritize your emotional connection with one another. You can do so by having authentic conversations with each other – ones that strip out the small talk and dive into the vulnerability. Actively listen to one another, be curious, and be intentional. In doing so, you can cultivate and maintain a deeper bond that will help you support you both through life’s ups and downs.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about keeping your relationship healthy
Here are some more answers on how to keep that relationship strong.
Q: How often should we have these conversations?
A: This really depends on you, your partner, and your relationship. But a good thing to remember is to prioritize quality over quantity. Start with a weekly conversation and adjust as you go. As long as it’s meaningful, it’s beneficial!
Q: What are the signs of a relationship breakdown?
A: If there is no interest in having this conversation whatsoever from either party, it may be a sign that the relationship is breaking down. People who have strong relationships want to talk to one another and continue to foster a connection.
Q: What if my partner is hesitant to have these conversations with me?
A: Be open and share with your partner why you want to do this – to strengthen your relationship through real and honest conversations. Be curious as to why your partner is having hesitations and details about what they are worried about. Make adjustments as needed so you both are comfortable to engage.
If you or your partner are running into significant barriers you feel you can’t solve alone, look to bring in some guidance. A professional counselor or therapist can help lay the groundwork for these conversations.
Q: What if we disagree during this conversation?
A: Disagreements are a part of healthy relationships as long as you prioritize the repair afterward. They can also be an opportunity for growth and perspective-taking during these conversations. Focus on listening to each other, using “I statements,” and moving away from judgment or blame. If disagreements continue to arise, make adjustments to the questions or the time you’re having these conversations. If you’re not sure where to go, look for professional guidance through a marriage counselor or therapist.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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