Did you ever think you’d be here again? Whether you’re remarrying after a divorce or the loss of a spouse, this life event brings a blend of excitement, hope, and sometimes anxiety. Not to throw a damper on your excitement, but just a reminder to dot your I’s and cross your T’s… I’d recommend this to anyone getting married, but for those who are remarrying, you’ll have a few different considerations. Let’s review some of those key points to ensure you and your partner are well-prepared for the next chapter of your life together.
A four-step process to help you reflect and improve your next marriage
For better or worse, our past relationships and experiences shape us into who we are today. As you prepare for your marriage, reflect on your past relationships. Consider:
Step 1: Identify behavioral patterns
- Think back on your past marriage (and significant relationships). Do you notice any recurring patterns or behaviors?
- What was your role or your behaviors in this pattern?
- Note: Not all patterns are good or bad!
This exercise is to help you identify patterns you want to avoid and ones you’d like to incorporate into your new relationship.
Step 2: Identify the consequences of these behaviors/patterns
- What happened because of these behaviors or patterns?
- How did you feel in these situations?
Step 3: Identify areas for potential change
- What was your role in these interactions?
- What was your past partner’s role in these interactions?
- What did you or your past partner do that helped? What made things worse?
- What would you do differently now if you could?
- If this situation happened with your current partner, what would you do? What would your current partner do?
- What can you do to avoid these patterns from occurring now with your current relationship?
- What do I wish I had more of?
- What do I wish there were less of?
Step 4: Process any remaining emotions
- Did you notice or experience any emotional reactions while doing this process?
- Is there anything lingering (emotionally) that needs to be addressed before your marriage?
This four-step process aids in recognizing patterns to avoid, identifying beneficial changes, and fostering personal growth. It prepares you mentally and emotionally, facilitates proper emotional processing and closure, and helps prioritize positive patterns.
Example case study of the four-step process
Read below to see how a real person might approach this four-step process.
Step 1: Identify a behavioral pattern
Chance thinks back to his first marriage and, with space and time, notices that whenever he was upset with his partner, he would give her the “silence treatment.” He wouldn’t respond when spoken to or share his feelings or thoughts. He would continue to do this until he was no longer angry or upset or felt guilty enough to start talking again. At that point, he re-engaged like nothing had happened–no conversation about what had happened.
Pattern: When Chance became upset with his partner, he fully disengaged.
Step 2: Identify the consequences of the pattern
Chance realized this pattern caused him to:
- Feel more disconnected from his partner
- Continually carry feelings from one incident to another (anger, resentment, sadness)
- Quickly became irritated
- Have expectations for his partner to know why he was upset
- Create a dynamic where his partner stopped asking what was wrong
Step 3: Identify areas for potential change
With his new partner, Chance wants to:
- Practice identifying his feelings and sharing them with his partner. He’s realistic and realizes he might not share it at the moment, but he aims to talk to his partner within a day so it doesn’t get swept under the rug.
- Find new ways to process his feelings
- Making requests directly to his partner instead of quietly becoming upset with them
Step 4: Process any remaining emotions
In this, Chance realizes he felt unappreciated in his past marriage and that his feelings were ignored. To help decrease the impact on his current marriage, he:
- Starts journaling to help get his thoughts out
- Shares this with his current partner so she has context about what may trigger him
- Has a discussion with his current partner about how they can support each other moving forward
Incorporating past lessons into your current relationship
Armed with your newfound (or clarified) learning from your past relationship(s), let’s figure out how to incorporate them into your relationship now.
Share openly
What good is knowledge if it’s not shared? Set time aside to have open conversations (yes, that’s plural) with your partner about your past marriage(s).
Most of us avoid “the talk” at all costs but fight that urge and embrace the uncomfortableness! To help guide you, here are some topics to focus on:
Past dos and don’ts
What did you learn from your past marriage? What do you want to make sure you prioritize, and what do you want to avoid doing again?
Pro Tip: Make sure you frame this as personal learning and requests of your current partners. We don’t want your current partner to feel punished; we want this to initiate a collaborative discussion.
For example, “I’ve learned from my past marriage that I don’t do well when I hold my feelings in… for us, I want to be able to share them when I’m feeling them. What do you think?” not “I want to share my feelings when I’m feeling them. My last partner made me feel horrible about that, so I’m not doing that again.”
Shared goals
What are each of your long-term goals and goals as a couple? Where do they align, and where do they differ? This could be career-wise, family (current or future), lifestyle choices, and retirement. For example, does the new partner want children, but the divorced partner remarrying does not? How many kids? This is a very important topic to discuss.
Discuss roles and responsibilities
Are there particular roles in the relationship you tend to fill, and are they the roles you want to? What do you expect from each other? How will you continue to assess and discuss it as life and your relationship evolve?
Discuss finances
Consider your current financial situation, including debts, assets, and spending habits. For example, if one partner is a doctor and the new partner is a librarian, there may need to be discussions around finances to address the large financial disparity. Financial transparency builds trust and decreases surprises and misunderstandings. Don’t forget to discuss your financial styles to ensure you are compatible.
Consider a prenup
A prenuptial agreement prioritizes all the above topics for conversation. It can also protect your financial interests (especially any significant assets or children from a previous marriage).
Prepare for conflict in your next marriage
Each relationship has its highs and lows. Reframe conflicts and disagreements as opportunities for change and growth. How can you help prepare yourselves for this? Consider:
- Everyone has a past (and baggage): Even with introspection, our past experiences can show up in the present unexpectedly and in novel ways. Show compassion to yourself and to your partner when this happens. Try to be curious about why you may be feeling a certain way.
- Example: You experienced infidelity in your past marriage. When your current partner unexpectedly has a work dinner that runs over, you immediately become upset and anxious. Given that this behavior is abnormal for your partner, it’s likely that you’re responding to your past partner’s behavior.
- Create realistic expectations: Finding love again can be a high–but don’t let it put blinders on. It doesn’t take away past pain.
- Combining parenting styles: If you or your partner has children, discuss potential challenges. They could be as small as bedtime routines or as large as discipline styles.
- Competing titles: Spouse vs. parent vs. step-parent vs. co-parent. In a subsequent marriage, you’re more likely to bring in different roles. Many of those loyalties may clash or seem to at first. Validate this process and all the feelings–sadness, frustration, grief, denial, happiness, and excitement. Then, sit down and have an honest conversation about what needs to remain, what can change, and how to support each other.
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Effective strategies to ensure your next marriage is strong
There’s no guarantee that any marriage will last as people change, circumstances change, and you never know what life can throw your way. However, there are some strategies you can utilize to put yourself and your new marriage in the best position possible:
- Effective communication: Develop healthy communication skills to handle conflicts constructively. Learning to express your feelings and listen to your partner is essential.
- Conflict resolution strategies: Agree on conflict resolution strategies that work for both of you. For example, taking a break to cool down, not giving each other the silent treatment, or coming back to discuss within 24 hours.
- Introduce all parties: If ex-partners and children are involved, consider the ideal relationships among all the parties. Then, begin to build the foundation for those relationships. Not everyone needs to be friends—the ideal aim would be respectful interactions.
- Explore premarital therapy: Premarital counseling is just as beneficial for remarriages. It can help identify any emotional baggage you bring into this marriage and how to incorporate tools and strategies for a healthy marriage. Look for a therapist with experience in remarriages.
- Prioritize shared experiences: Focus on creating new memories together. Engage in activities that strengthen your bond, bring joy to your relationship, and give you something to lean on during challenging times.
- Celebrate milestones: Acknowledge and celebrate your big and small relationship milestones. This fosters a sense of joint achievement and togetherness.
- Embrace the emotions: Embrace the messiness instead of avoiding it. Various emotions will likely arise—take a moment to identify them and experience them. Doing so (instead of avoiding them) allows you space to move forward with effective actions.
Final thoughts on remarrying and what to consider
Take a moment and embrace the joy of overcoming life’s challenges and finding the one you want to do life with. A remarriage is a joyful event and a decision that requires consideration and preparation to give you the best chance at success. Start off the process by creating ample space for introspection. By doing this, you’ll set yourself up for success to communicate openly and address potential challenges. Ultimately, all this hard work will create a strong foundation for a successful and fulfilling marriage.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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