The first look. That first date. The first kiss. A hundred other firsts to lead you to this point. Although others may proclaim otherwise, marriage is only the beginning, the next chapter as you merge your lives.
Do you know what else merges? Your finances. Your past baggage. Your future debts. As you think through the logistical side of merging these parts of your lives is not easy; a prenuptial agreement (prenup) often arises as a valuable tool to protect both your individual assets and clarify financial expectations. And… talking about a prenup is probably one of the last things a couple ever wants to talk about.
You might have gotten over that hump already and brought up the topic. Good for you! But… your partner refuses to consider it. Or even talk about it. So, what do you do?! Here are some ideas to navigate this delicate situation.
First, understand why your partner doesn’t want a prenup
Consider why your partner hesitates or outright refuses a prenup before taking action. Dispelling assumptions and being curious about what’s driving this refusal will help create a roadmap for approaching your partner.
Here are some of the usual suspects:
- Fear of divorce: For many people, a prenup represents one of their biggest fears–the end of their marriage. Your partner may be afraid that a prenup indicates a lack of trust or belief in the longevity of your marriage.
- Cultural or familial beliefs: Prenups may be less common or an outright no-no in some cultures.
- Misunderstandings: Misconceptions about what a prenup is and what it entails can cause instant resistance. There may be misunderstandings about how it works or how it would be applied specifically to your situation. There’s often a, “Well, I heard [misassumption here] from [supposedly close friend here].”
- Financial concerns: Prenups often get a bad rap in the media, making it seem like they’re a way for the wealthier partner to “keep” their money. Financial concerns are valid for both partners when entering a marriage. For example, one partner may have a child from a previous marriage, and their inheritance is something to consider. Or one partner (in agreement with the other) takes off a few years of work to raise the children and experiences an opportunity cost. All these different scenarios may spring up when your partner hears “prenup,” causing them to shut down.
- Too much work: For some, a prenup just seems like a lot of extra work for no good reason. From their vantage point, a prenup seems like overkill, and they don’t want to waste time considering it.
So, think back to your partner’s comments to untangle what might be driving their resistance.
Utilize psychology techniques such as Motivational Interviewing (MI)
Motivational Interviewing (MI) is a therapeutic approach that helps people resolve that “eh” feeling and find the motivation to make changes. It’s collaborative and person-centered, and the steps can be applied to a tough conversation. Remember, you’re not doing therapy on our partner—you’re just using these tools to facilitate an open and honest discussion.
Step 1: Build rapport and trust
Start by creating a mental and physical space that is safe and supportive for the conversation.
- Open with clarity and gentleness: I’d like to talk about something important to me, and I really want to hear your thoughts on it.”
- Be empathetic: “I understand that discussing a prenup might feel uncomfortable or even scary.” Bonus points if you can be even more specific than this (“I understand you’re worried that a prenup means I don’t believe in us 100%”).
- Let them speak & listen: Focus on understanding their perspective without interrupting or judging. “What are your thoughts?” or “How does that make you feel?”
Step 2: Decide together on the agenda
Collaborate with your partner on what the conversation will cover.
- Clarify the Purpose: “I think having a prenup could help us both feel more secure and clear about our future, so I want us to really explore it together.”
- Mutual Agreement: “Can we talk about this to understand each other better?”
- Explore it all: Cover pros, cons, hopes, and fears.
Step 3: Evoke and elicit their reasons and motivation
Encourage your partner to express their thoughts and feelings about prenups.
- Ask Open-Ended Questions:
- “What are your main worries about signing a prenup?”
- “Can you share why you don’t want to explore it?”
- “Help me understand…”
- “What else…”
- Reflective Listening:
- “It sounds like you’re feeling that a prenup could hurt our relationship”
- “So, you’re worried that a prenup might make it seem like we’re planning for failure?”
- “Let me know if I heard wrong – you saying you’re having trouble with…”
- “You’re feeling like…”
- Roll With Resistance: “Roll with resistance” is a popular phrase in MI; it means fighting the urge to push, advise, fix, or problem-solve when resistance arises. Be sure to use a neutral and gentle voice to avoid sounding snide or mocking. For example, saying: “You don’t see any benefits a prenup could provide us or couples in general.” Be sure to use a neutral and gentle voice to avoid sounding snide or mocking.
- Validate: Express appreciation and validation for your partner’s attendance and engagement in the conversation. For example, “You’re being really open to talking through all of this, so thank you,” or “I really appreciate how much you care about us and our future.”
- Summarizing: “Let me make sure I understand: You’re concerned that a prenup might hurt our relationship and make things feel unequal. Is that right?”
Step 4: Make a plan together
Collaborate to find a solution that addresses both partners’ concerns and needs. Ask things like:
- “What if we worked together to draft a prenup that feels fair to both of us, and see what questions come up then?”
- “We could also look into a postnuptial agreement if that feels better.”
- “We can talk to someone who can answer more of our questions.”
- “How does this feel for this first draft, and let’s come back next week to look over and revise again?”
- “How about we talk to a financial advisor or a marriage counselor to get more information?”
The bottom line on the MI technique is to be ready to have multiple conversations and focus on maintaining a positive, patient, and respectful tone. Pulling a little from psychology can help make a hard conversation easier and help you both feel heard and understood.
Dispel any myths about prenups
As humans, we avoid or reject the unknown. So, help gather information to dispel the myths and fears that may exist about prenups. Talk to experts (like lawyers) to learn more about what a prenup is and isn’t and how it can impact your situation. You can also talk to marriage/couples therapists or financial advisors with experience in this area. You can also utilize Google or ask for resources to do your own research. Blogs, articles, and books are great places to look.
Consider the impact of no prenup
Throughout this process, it’s important to understand a future without a prenup. While you are working towards honest conversation, that doesn’t guarantee you’ll both agree to proceed with a prenup.
- Remember, Marriage is a Contract: Despite popular belief, marriage is a social construct meant to merge finances (among other things) and was not originally created for love. First and foremost, marriage is a contract that you sign. Without a prenup, you agree to the government’s marital terms, not your own.
- Default State Laws: Without a prenup, your financial matters will be governed by state laws, which may or may not align with your desires. For example, in Community Property states, everything acquired in the marriage is split 50/50 with few exceptions.
- Complexity in Divorce: No one can tell the future; if a divorce does arise, it’s impossible to say what state the relationship will be in. Dividing assets and debts can become more complicated and contentious when decided in a heightened emotional event. Without a prenup, things can be more difficult to decide.
- Protection of Individual Assets: A prenup can protect pre-marital and marital assets, inheritances, business interests, and much more, so without a prenup, that protection may not legally be in place.
Strengthen your relationship regardless
Regardless of the outcome, focusing on strengthening your relationship is crucial. Even if these conversations don’t produce the outcome you’re hoping for, the process is an opportunity to build a strong communication foundation. Maintain open and honest communication about financial and other important matters. Respect each other’s perspectives and work together to find common ground. And continue to focus on your shared goals and the future you’re building together.
Final thoughts
Discussing a prenup might not be something you thought you’d be doing as you prepare for your upcoming nuptials, but it’s an important one. Ultimately, any conversation where you and your partner disagree is challenging, but don’t give up yet!
Approaching the conversation with empathy, understanding, and compassion can make all the difference. Use the techniques from Motivational Interviewing (MI) to keep the conversation collaborative and your partner engaged; work hard to really understand what’s holding them back. Remember, you’re not just talking about a legal document. You’re working to ensure that you both feel secure and respected in your future together.
No matter the outcome, these discussions can strengthen your relationship by having you practice being open and honest with one another and learning to be curious about each other’s perspectives.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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