With the advances in artificial reproductive technology (ART), many individuals and couples now have greater access to starting a (biological) family. While this is great news for those wanting children, the process is far from simple. It often comes with huge financial, physical, and emotional challenges.
Embryo ownership disputes are a newer issue, cropping up more and more in family law, especially when couples are going through a divorce or separation. These disputes can add a layer of stress to an already crazy stressful situation.
As couples plan their futures together, it’s important to be aware of the emotional impacts these disputes can have and how to navigate a tricky landscape.
What is an embryo ownership dispute?
Embryo ownership is a disagreement over who owns embryos between the two people who created the embryo. In other words, they need to know who has the (legal) power to decide what happens to them. For example, should the embryos be donated to another couple for conception or be destroyed? Or maybe donated to medical research? Or kept in storage forever.
Disputes over embryo ownership tend to occur when divorcing or separating couples disagree on the future use or disposition of their frozen embryos. These disputes get complicated because the laws in this area are gray and it can lead to stressful litigation if the parties can’t come to an agreement.
Why is an embryo ownership dispute so complicated?
There are two main reasons why an embryo ownership dispute becomes so emotional and complicated: the legal complexities and the ethical implications.
Legal complexities: The laws regarding embryo ownership vary from state to state and change quickly based on new case law and legislation. If that wasn’t enough, rulings have not been consistent, and it’s a bit like the wild west out there.
Ethical definitions: A huge part of the complication is how we each define human life and when it begins. Our values and beliefs strongly influence how we define what we want or feel comfortable doing. In a divorce or just a dispute, those opinions may become even more disparate, making it hard to come to a common decision.
The emotional rollercoaster of an embryo ownership dispute
No matter how amicable you are, separation or divorce comes with a degree of stress. So, what is thrown in the mix when you’re fighting over your embryos? While this can vary based on each person’s situation, common experiences include:
Grief and Loss. Disputes can trigger feelings of grief and loss that show up in different ways. It can look like:
- Mourning the loss of potential future children
- Symbolizing the end of shared dreams and goals.
- Bereavement is the period after losing someone or something that matters deeply to you.
- Trying to cope with the loss of a parent’s identity. This embryo may or may not be the last chance for an individual to have a biological child.
- Sadness can also manifest in physical symptoms like fatigue, loss of pleasure in activities, and low motivation.
Anxiety and Uncertainty. The uncertainty of what will happen to the embryos and who will get to make the decision… all these things can lead to significant anxiety. Individuals may experience or notice the following:
- Worries are increasing, and they are difficult to control.
- Heightened anxiety about the dispute process. What will happen to the embryos, and how can it change your (and other loved ones’) lives?
- Worries about what this means for you regarding future children.
- Anxiety manifests through physical symptoms. This can include (but isn’t limited to) headaches, stomachaches, sleep issues, or difficulties concentrating.
- Exhaustion from the unpredictability of the legal proceedings.
- Anxiety increases when trying to figure out the “right” thing to do – ethically, legally, and financially. It’s a lot of weight on your shoulders!
Loss of control. One of the most difficult things about a separation or divorce is the loss of control. In these situations, the is a chance you won’t have the ability to decide what happens to your embryos, and that loss of control can wreak havoc on your psychological well-being.
Anger. This is a normal emotional experience to have! And it can feel overwhelming.
- Anger can also manifest as irritation, low frustration tolerance, or emotional dysregulation (such as a quickness to tears).
- The feelings may also drive actions that can cause regret, guilt, or shame (maybe some choice words you wish you could take back…)
- The anger may feel difficult to dissipate. No matter what you do, it may be harder to release yourself from these feelings than it has been in the past.
Nothing at all. With all the emotions tossing you around, you may reach a point where it feels like you can’t feel at all. The emotional numbness may be a way your mind is trying to cope with all the strong feelings by shutting down or avoiding them. The emotional backlash of this experience is real and significant. If one or both partners have experienced mental health issues in the past or are prone to them, then a situation such as this could trigger an episode.
Ways to handle the emotional rollercoaster
There are good ways and bad ways to manage emotions. Let’s start with the not-so-great strategies, so you know what not to do.
The not-so-great strategies
Not all strategies are good strategies. During stressful times, some strategies might work right away but be harmful in the long run. What can fall under this category?
- Self-medication with alcohol or other substances: Relying on substances can temporarily numb emotions but often leads to other health problems and worsens anxiety or depression symptoms in the long run.
- Avoidance: This usually leads to increased anxiety and stress as problems pile up.
- Overeating or Undereating: Using food to cope with stress is not uncommon, but using it as the main coping strategy can negatively impact your physical health and, in turn, emotional well-being.
- Binge watching: Many of us are guilty of excessive screen time. And binge-watching TV or spending too much time on social media can be a way to escape reality. However, excessive use can lead to feelings of isolation, disrupt sleep patterns, and increase anxiety.
- Overworking: Throwing yourself into your work is a common way to regain control when everything else feels out of control. While this may be great for a promotion, it can lead to burnout or reduced time for more beneficial coping strategies.
- Self-harming behaviors: Self-harming can provide temporary relief, but often becomes a repetitive cycle that’s hard to break and can result in feelings of shame and guilt.
The recommended strategies
- Seek Therapy: Professional help can provide crucial emotional support in a situation that is not common.
- Individual therapy can help with managing grief, anxiety, and self-doubt.
- Couples therapy can help facilitate better communication and understanding, even if you are still separating or divorcing.
- Join Support Groups: Meet others who just understand. Support groups can offer comfort and connection amidst a lonely situation.
- Practice Self-Care: Mindfulness, exercise, and healthy living bolster emotional strength.
- Digital Mental Health Apps: Hey, let’s make technology work for us in good ways! Apps to help with sleep, anxiety, or your mood are abundant. Use the American Psychological Association’s list here as a starting point.
- Consultation with Experts: Don’t try to navigate this alone. Seek advice from legal professionals specializing in family law so they can clarify your options. Having a good understanding can empower you and mediators and help you navigate to a mutually agreeable resolution.
- Let Yourself Grieve: Don’t hold it all inside. It’s normal and beneficial to allow yourself to feel these emotions. The challenge may be finding the time and space to process them.
- Explore Alternatives: When the time is right for you, consider alternative paths to parenthood if that is still a strong desire. Adoption, surrogacy, or donor sperm may be alternative routes.
If you are earlier in the process and researching before any dispute arises, focus on creating a written agreement. Creating clear agreements about embryo ownership can help get you both on the same page and have clear actions set if future scenarios occur.
Final thoughts
Embryo ownership disputes can add significant stress and emotional turmoil to an already challenging separation or divorce process. The legal, ethical, and emotional factors make these disputes particularly tough to navigate. However, understanding how these can manifest and how they can impact you can help with early detection. Avoid coping strategies that will put you two steps back and focus on those that can help provide long-term benefits.
If you’re in the midst of a dispute, professional support (therapy, legal aid), support groups, and other self-care strategies can help you weather the storm with (hopefully) as little damage as possible. If you’re a couple looking to begin the IVF process, use the information here to inform and prepare yourselves so you can navigate any possible challenges in a way that will protect both your emotional well-being.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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