By the time you reach IVF, many couples have already weathered the storm of infertility challenges. For some, IVF is a “straightforward” experience. For many other couples, it’s a rollercoaster of uncertainty, hormonal reactions, grief, and hope. Despite the challenges, about 2.3% of all babies born in the U.S. were conceived through assisted reproductive technology (ART), in which IVF is the most common method. You can get through this. We’re here to support and navigate you through the process as a couple.
First…get a therapist
Scroll through various Reddit IVF threads, and you’ll see a common theme: The recommendation to get an IVF therapist. While a Reddit thread isn’t a professional or medical recommendation, it highlights one strategy many “real-life” IVF couples have found hugely beneficial. Leverage the wisdom of others and set up support early. Couples and individual therapy can be powerful tools for managing the emotional strain of IVF.
What can therapy provide during this process? Here are a few benefits:
- Safe space: Therapists can provide a consistent and safe space to speak about your feelings
- Process feelings: Therapists can help you process significant feelings of loss before and during the IVF process
- Learn the IVF process: Therapists can help you to understand and navigate the medical system
- Learn coping skills: Therapists can help with coping with the multitude of medical decisions and uncertainty
- Make informed decisions: Therapists can help you make informed decisions about your care
- Get expert advice: IVF therapists have expertise in family systems and relationships to help with any challenges that arise in family dynamics
How to find an IVF counselor/therapist:
- Look up therapists with expertise or background in IVF
- Look through your insurance provider for a list of in-network therapists. Also, check your company’s employee assistance program to see if they have one.
- When choosing a therapist, prioritize the right fit over logistical convenience whenever possible
- Be open to seeing a therapist together or apart
- With current telemedicine laws, you can find a therapist online. They will likely still be bound in some way (having to still be in the same state, having a clinical license for the state you’re in), but it expands your pool exponentially
Try not to get discouraged. You’ll likely meet with several providers until you find the right fit. Do at least three sessions before deciding whether this is helpful.
Important note: Therapy is a financial investment and is a real consideration for couples who are already paying so much for IVF. And investing in your emotional and psychological health will have real benefits for your physical health.
Find a support group
Lifeline. Tribe. Safety Net. Couples have used all of these terms to describe their support groups, which can be online, in-person, text-based, or synchronous. Benefits Of A Support Group:
- A safe space with others who truly understand
- An opportunity to hear from others and learn
- A place to feel less alone
- A group to help validate and listen to you openly
- A chance to share what you’ve learned with others and give back
- A cathartic space to lighten your (emotional & mental) load
How to find a support group:
- Decide if you have a preference for an online or in-person support group.
- Search for a support group based on your preference. If you don’t have a strong one, try both!
- Good places to start your search are RESOLVE, Psychology Today, Facebook, and even Reddit.
- Be ready to try a few support groups. It’s all about a match – personalities, scheduling, and stages of the journey.
- Have a separate support group from your partner.
Don’t knock it until you try it. Commiserating or celebrating with people who truly understand what you are going through can be cathartic, therapeutic, and supportive in ways you never knew!
Learn about IVF together
Together.
For anyone undergoing the IVF process, learning about IVF and all of its medical intricacies is a crucial strategy to:
- Combat anxiety
- Make informed decisions
- Increase medical advocacy (for yourselves)
The key here is to become knowledgeable together.
Benefits of learning together:
- Allows you to provide better support for one another
- Removes the burden of one partner making all the decisions
- Removes the burden of one partner being the “educator”
How to start learning together:
- Utilize resources like RESOLVE, the NIH, or Kindbody to learn about IVF and other infertility treatments.
- Keep a list (on your phone, a Google doc, or a written journal) of terms to ask about or look up and questions to ask your provider.
- Ask each other questions. It’s too much to remember yourself – one person’s memory can complement the other’s!
- Split up topics between each other. Learn and then set a time for each partner to share the knowledge with the other partner.
- Utilize social media (carefully). More and more IVF and fertility specialists are providing resources through content like TikToks and Instagram. Just be sure to vet where you’re getting the information from and use it as a starting point, not the end-all-be-all.
Think about it this way: the more you know, the fewer “what-ifs” and the more time for you to settle into the process without fearing the unknown.
Stop planning
I don’t mean to stop planning altogether. Instead, get into the mindset of focusing on only the next step. In other words, approach IVF like a big project – break it down into small, manageable steps to prevent becoming overwhelmed. There are so many variables in this process, so trying to plan or predict the whole sequence of events is setting your mental health up for failure.
How to stop planning and focus on the now:
- Focus on the current stage you’re in.
- Be accountability partners for each other. If either one of you starts to predict, worry, or catastrophize something further down the line, the other can gently remind them
- Collaborate on a plan to help each other stop planning. How to distract each other, signal the behaviors arising, or the best way to support the person
- Use mindfulness and breathing techniques in these moments to re-center yourselves
- Remain hopeful (and use activities to build resilience) and realistic
Create a protective bubble
Prioritize your mental health and each other’s. Often, that means putting aside other people’s needs. It’s okay to keep IVF a “secret.” It’s okay to tell only a few individuals. And it’s okay not to tell your family members.
How to create a protective bubble:
- Be mindful of who you tell
- Agree with your partner on who you both tell
- Reflect on past stressful periods – who helped and who added stress?
- Maintain a small circle of trusted individuals
- Let your inner circle know how you want to share news, what you’d rather they not do, and what would be most helpful
Set time to be a couple
Infertility challenges are more than just being unable to get pregnant. It touches on the core values of an individual (values such as family, belonging, and duty) and can trigger fears of inadequacy, loss of control, and being unlovable. Something this big can overwhelm all other things in your life. Intentional action is necessary to help maintain your relationship’s foundation.
How to set time aside to be a couple:
- Set time aside daily to connect. Five minutes, an hour… the time is less important than the consistency.
- During this time, no talk about IVF, infertility, parenthood or other connected topics.
- The time can be for talking or doing something together (making coffee, watching a show, learning a new skill)
- Learn a new (IVF-free) activity together
- Lean into the nostalgia to help alleviate stress. Return to a beloved restaurant, maybe the site of your first date.
- Deep dive into conversations
- Lean into each of your love languages
Overcommunicate with your partner
The emotional and physical impacts of IVF can make it challenging to communicate with one another. So, during this time, aim to overcommunicate with your partner.
How to overcommunicate:
- Check in regularly with each other about your emotions.
- What do you need this week? Share this each week with each other.
- What is your biggest fear at this stage? Share them with each other.
- Utilize journals, text messages, emails, audio memos… whatever medium makes it easier for your partner to understand your personal experience
- How do you each want to handle bad news? Make a plan and share it before any lousy news arises
- Consider your religious and cultural backgrounds, and share how this comes up in the IVF process
- Expect the unexpected. And be ready to talk about it.
- Even if you disagree, share it all. Then, when you make decisions, everyone is on the same page.
Consider legal implications
Lastly, don’t be caught off guard by legal implications. Consider your unique situation and collaborate to develop a plan. For instance, if using a donor, what are the common pitfalls regarding agreements about the legal rights of the donor? What are the rights of the partner who did not provide biological material but is committed to raising the child?
How To Do This
- Get advice and support from legal experts
- Talk about embryo ownership with your partner
- Consider a prenup (or a postnup or embryo disposition agreement) that includes decisions such as each partner’s rights regarding embryo ownership in the event of a divorce, death, or incapacity.
- Discuss what you’re comfortable with and uncomfortable with regarding a donor’s involvement or rights, especially if it is a familial donor.
- Educate yourself about your state’s surrogacy laws.
- Understand your rights and responsibilities in fertility treatment. For example, what happens to genetic material during the process?
Final thoughts on getting through the IVF journey
The IVF journey is not an easy one; it’s a challenging experience for many couples. However, there are steps a couple can take to help alleviate the impacts. You can build resilience and make it through by prioritizing mental health, leaning on each other, setting healthy boundaries, and learning about the IVF process together. Focus on staying connected, communicating openly, and taking things day by day. With this commitment and the right support system, you can get through the IVF process intact and maybe even stronger.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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