Infertility flips a person’s world upside down. Starting the journey to parenthood is often described as a time of bliss and hope, which overlooks the difficulty of a large population of people. People who desperately wish to be a (biological) family but cannot. So, instead of being a blissful experience, they are experiencing their values, goals, and dreams being shaken to their core. This process, no matter the end result, is a complicated grief process and emotionally taxing.
When a couple decides to undergo In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF), they usually have experienced numerous ups and downs and face another new set of unique challenges. For many of these couples, a therapist or counselor is often recommended before, during, and after the process. Let’s dive into what an IVF/fertility counselor is and what you need to know.
What is an IVF counselor?
IVF Counselor, Fertility Therapist, a specialist in reproductive counseling—these are all names for mental health providers who specialize in supporting individuals and couples undergoing fertility treatments such as IVF. The provider may be:
- Licensed Therapist
- Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT)
- Licensed Social Worker (LCSW)
- Psychologist (PsyD or PhD)
- Psychiatrist (MD)
Unlike a general therapist, an IVF counselor is a mental health provider who has specific training and experience in the psychological complexities surrounding fertility issues.
What should I look for in an IVF counselor?
You should look for key qualifications when searching for a fertility counselor. Those qualifications may include:
- Specialized Training: Knowledge of reproductive medicine, the IVF process, and its emotional impacts.
- Experience in Fertility Counseling: Past work with couples and individuals facing fertility issues. This could include work in private practice, fertility treatment, community centers, or hospitals/medical offices.
- Licensing and Certification: Confirm your provider holds a clinical license. For a psychologist, verify their name through a state board (like the CA Board of Psychology) to confirm they have a clinical license as well as their educational degree (like a PsyD or PhD). Social workers and other counselors should have an “L” in their credentials (e.g., LCSW, CMFT, LPC).
- Membership: Membership in professional organizations, like RESOLVE or the American Society for Reproductive Medicine Mental Health Professional Group, can indicate expertise and ongoing commitment to learning.
The above are the specific qualifications you can look for in an IVF counselor. Of course, there are other things to consider, such as how well you connect with the therapist, their availability, and your comfort level with sharing intimate details with them.
What can a fertility counselor help you with?
Fertility counselors aid individuals and couples as they navigate the various hurdles that arise. They provide more than just a listening ear; they actively work with a couple to identify what is most needed now and how to address it. Here’s a closer look at the roles a fertility counselor can take on:
- Preparation (emotionally and educationally) for fertility treatments
- Help their clients acknowledge and come to terms with the fact that reproductive difficulties are a form of trauma
- Process that trauma in the midst of IVF or other reproductive treatment
- Navigate the grieving process as it pertains to the client(s) specifically
- Help their clients make difficult decisions
- Process the waves of emotions
- Communicate between partners and other key players
- Reconnect or remain connected as a couple
- Active as an advocate
- Help empower their client(s) to be an advocate for themselves (often in medical settings)
- Address mood and anxiety symptoms that arise during the process
- Stress management
- Help work through legal decisions, such as embryo disposition in the event of a divorce, death, or incapacity
Here are a few examples of how an IVF counselor can help you.
Example #1: Facilitating Communication
To their surprise, Sarah and Laura are having difficulties agreeing on a sperm donor. They brought their concerns to their fertility counselor and asked for support in making a decision. Their fertility counselor guided them in exploring how their preferences were tied to their core values, how to share openly about their concerns and desires with each other, and how to validate each other even in disagreement. However, their fertility counselor was able to help them come to a mutual decision by utilizing her knowledge of fertility treatment. She brought up questions the couple hadn’t discussed yet. Do you want your children to have biological half-siblings? Do you want them to be able to find those siblings (open ID or closed)? Do you want a donor who looks like you or your partner?
Example #2: Processing Grief
Sahar just found out that her first transfer of a healthy embryo failed. While she tries to remain hopeful, her fertility counselor suggests meeting to process a bit more. In their session, Sahar slowly opens up and shares her current state of mind. While everyone reacts differently to grief, Sahar’s fertility counselor helps her identify her personal coping strategies and evaluate which are working and which are not. The sessions are cathartic in releasing emotions and fears. Together, Sahar can get to a point in her grief where it does not overwhelm her and can decide if she wants to pursue another round of IVF or not.
Example #3: Stress Management
Michael and Emily feel overwhelmed – the waiting, worries, and financial strain are taking a toll. Both feel like they just can’t get ahead and are on the brink of breaking down. A fertility specialist introduces stress-reducing techniques that are tailored not only for Michael and Emily but also for their specific fertility journey and stage.
What to expect in fertility counseling sessions
Doing something new is scary, and for many people, the unknown of therapy sessions is a barrier to beginning. So, let’s give you a look behind the scenes.
Getting the context. Initial sessions (yes, more than one) often involve the counselor getting to know you, which typically includes:
- Completing paperwork
- Sharing your medical, mental health, and family history
- Discussing your hopes, worries, and goals regarding fertility
- Sharing your current emotional state and coping strategies
- Providing information about the counseling process, limits of confidentiality, psychoeducation, and setting general treatment goals.
Some advice? Always attend at least three sessions before making any decisions. Your first session will often be full of nerves. The second is that you’ll know logistically what happens, but there will still be nerves and some settling. The third? You’ll finally be comfortable enough to really get a sense of what benefits and fit (working style, personality) between you and the therapist.
Learning New Things. As your fertility counselor gets to know you, they’ll begin to co-create goals with you. The key term here is co-create; while your fertility counselor is an expert in their specialty, you are an expert in your life. Things you may learn:
- New coping strategies
- Mindfulness techniques
- Communication strategies
- Strategies to help with decision-making
- Connection-building exercises (for you and your partner)
- How to identify triggers (of anxiety or mood symptoms)
Fertility-Specific Information & Goals. The critical difference in fertility counseling sessions is the focus on various aspects of infertility. While you may speak about job stress, your counselor will tie it to how it impacts your fertility treatment or vice versa.
Your therapist will initiate a discussion surrounding things such as:
- Choosing treatments
- Dealing with the waiting periods between stages of, say, IVF
- Making decisions, such as the use of donor material
- Making legal decisions, such as how to dispose of embryos in certain events, such as divorce or death
- Considering alternative options
- Deciding whether to continue with fertility treatments or not
- How to process and grieve loss specifically related to infertility and fertility treatment.
When is getting an IVF counselor helpful?
Before
Counseling can help you prepare emotionally and process any grief before deciding to pursue options like IVF.
During
Counseling is particularly helpful during difficult phases like waiting for results, facing potential setbacks, or coping with failed cycles. It is also beneficial as a support for your partnership (if you are navigating the process as a couple) or if you need support to make difficult medical decisions.
Afterwards
Regardless of the outcome, a fertility counselor can help you navigate the next steps, whether its entering parenthood, considering further treatment, exploring alternative family-building options, or processing the decision to move forward child-free.
How to find the right therapist
Don’t settle – the wrong counselor can do more harm than good. Here’s what to consider when searching for a fertility counselor:
- Ask for referrals: Your fertility clinic may have an in-house counselor, or you can ask for a referral from your medical team for a fertility counselor. If you are in a support group, ask for referrals from other members or trusted individuals.
- Check credentials: Make sure your counselor is licensed and has experience in fertility counseling. Ask prospective counselors about their experience and training.
- Don’t discount match: Look for compatibility. You (and your partner) should feel comfortable discussing personal and sensitive topics. Consider working and communication style – are you looking for someone who is a straight shooter? Someone who focuses more on warmth and validation?
- Openness: Your counselor should be receptive to feedback, able to have open discussions with you, and able to effectively repair any ruptures.
- Consider the format: Online? In person? Group setting? There are different formats to consider; choose the one that is best for you, which will help make it easier to make it to the session. Also, consider various
Final thoughts on IVF counselors
The fertility journey is an emotional rollercoaster, and a fertility counselor can be an integral source of support. They can help guide you through the complexities of infertility and fertility treatments while navigating grief and coping with the emotional impacts. A fertility counselor can also provide concrete benefits through enhanced communication and coping strategies, helping you manage your stress levels and protecting your relationship(s). At the end of the day, a good fertility counselor can be life-saving and invaluable in this journey.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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