According to our HelloPrenup user data, 83% of users felt more connected to their partner after going through the prenup process. Having the prenup conversation doesn’t have to be scary; in fact, it can actually bring you two together (at least according to our data!). The first prenup conversation sets the tone for the entire prenup process and can be the first step toward aligning your marital relationship. This article discusses how and when to have your first prenup conversation, what to discuss, and what to do if you have any disagreements. Let’s dive in!
How and when to have your first prenup conversation with your partner
So you’re getting married (congrats!), and you want to get a prenup (good for you!). But… it begs the question: how and when should you bring up the prenup, and how do you have this convo with your partner? Here are our tips:
Pick a time when you’re both relaxed
There’s nothing worse than having a deep and important conversation after a long day at work. Make sure you and your partner are feeling relaxed, with nowhere to be or anything to do when you bring up this conversation. For example, a Saturday evening after you’ve had a great night watching movies, cuddling on the couch, and drinking hot cocoa.
Make sure you talk about this months before the wedding
Even more importantly: make sure your first prenup conversation is well before the wedding. We recommend having this conversation three to six months before the wedding day. Why? Because you need time to contemplate what you want to do, discuss it with your partner, seek out a prenup platform or attorney, and walk through the prenup process.
Be straightforward
While it may be tempting to beat around the bush a bit (“I heard Jennie and James got a prenup…what are your thoughts?”) But our advice is to just come right out with it. It’ll likely be received better than if you beat around the bush. Being vague can leave your partner guessing and wondering what you’re talking about. It’s all about honesty and effective communication!
What to discuss in your first prenup conversation
Now that you’ve figured out how and when to have that first prenup conversation, what do you need to actually talk about? Here are the main points you should discuss in your first prenup convo:
Are both of you on board with getting a prenup?
First and foremost, make sure that you both are on the same page about getting a prenup. Legally speaking, you cannot force a person to get a prenup. It must be voluntarily entered into by both parties, otherwise it risks being thrown out by a court.
What do each of you want to accomplish individually?
While you may not need to do a deep dive into every single aspect of the prenup, it is a good idea to give your partner an overview of what you are looking to accomplish with the prenup. Do you just want to have one because you think it’s smart? Or is there something you specifically want to achieve, such as protecting an inheritance or business?
What do you want to accomplish as a couple?
Remember, the prenup process is a collaborative one (especially with HelloPrenup). What goals do you want to accomplish as a married couple? For example, we want to have children and have one person stay home with the kids. Or we want to retire by 45 and buy a farm. Or you both plan on starting a business in a few years. You need to get an idea of your life plans, so you can create a prenup that accounts for these possibilities. Since it’s your first convo, you don’t need to get too deep, just talk overview.
Do either of you have any concerns about this?
Discuss the hard stuff–concerns. Are there any legal or emotional concerns about getting a prenup? For example, are you worried it will be adversarial? Or are you concerned that the process will be difficult? Discuss these issues openly with your partner. Understanding the concerns you each have can help you both move through the process easier.
Talk about the next steps
Okay, now that you are both on the same page about getting a prenup, have a general idea of both the individual and joint goals, and have discussed any concerns, you can talk next steps. How will you go about getting a prenup and what should you do after this first convo?
What to do if you disagree during the first prenup conversation
If you have your first prenup convo with your partner and it doesn’t go well, now what? First, don’t panic! These things can take time and that’s okay! This is your first conversation and potentially one of your first obstacles with your fiance that you can work on together. It doesn’t have to be adversarial but rather a learning experience. Here are our tips if you and your partner are disagreeing about a prenup:
Listen to understand
Make sure you truly get to the root of the problem. Listen to your partner with the intention of understanding and not just waiting your turn to talk. For example, do they feel like prenups are a bad omen for the marriage? Really listen to them and understand why they feel that way. Ask questions, dig deep. Make them feel heard. Then, once it’s time, you can explain yourself and where you are coming from.
Use “I” statements, not “you” statements
Try to avoid pointing fingers and saying things like, “Well, YOU did this…” or “You always think that…” Instead, try saying things like, “I feel really stressed when…” Focusing on how you feel is key.
Cool off
Give it time. If the first prenup conversation doesn’t go well, maybe take some time (a few weeks) to let it cool off. Let each person think about it some more and come back to the conversation after you both have slept on it. (Side note: This is why it’s important to have this conversation EARLY, well before the wedding).
Encourage your partner to do some research
Prenups sometimes get a bad rep and without merit! Encourage your partner to take some time to do their own research on the topic and agree to come back to the conversation later. HelloPrenup has tons of prenup resources on our blog where your partner can start their research.
Ask for help
You don’t have to do this alone. Seek out professional help from a therapist, lawyer, or other third-party professional to help you two work out any disagreements over the prenup conversation.
Benefits of prenups
Prenuptial agreements offer a wealth of advantages for couples looking to build a strong and secure future together. Here are just a few of the many benefits:
First marital planning tool
Think of prenups like a marital planning tool. It’s a way to plan out your marriage (not the opposite). You can include clauses about marital finances, budgeting, joint bank accounts, living expenses, etc.
Getting on the same page
Talking about difficult topics such as finances, future plans, divorce, death, etc., can be a great way to get on the same page as your future life partner. It can be the first time you talk about these really intense topics, but you will come out so much stronger on the other side. For example, when do you want to retire, having kids, expenses, living arrangements, future big purchases, etc.
Show your love
Despite popular belief, getting a prenup can actually be a way to show your love for your partner (and yourself). What is more romantic than making sure your partner is protected in ANY scenario life throws your way? Yes, even in divorce. Making sure they are protected even if your marriage ends is romantic, people!
Secure your future
Just like you want to secure your health with health insurance, your travel plans with travel insurance, and your car with car insurance, a prenup can do the same…but for your financial future.
Protect your kids and pets
Prenups do more than just protect you and your spouse–they can also protect any kids from previous relationships and pets. Make sure your assets go to your kids (and not an ex-spouse), and also protect the custody of your pet(s).
They’re easy to get!
Unlike health insurance, getting a prenup is SUPER easy to do (at least with HelloPrenup!). You can log on to your HelloPrenup account, collaborate with your partner over the prenup questions, negotiate any discrepancies, and have a document downloaded same-day. Want attorney services? We have that, too. You can get attorney review within a matter of a few days.
Bottom line on your first prenup conversation
Well, that’s it, folks. You’ve been equipped with all the tools you need to go have your first prenup conversation. Remember to choose a good time, WELL before the wedding day (3-6 months before the wedding). Talk about your personal and couple goals, any concerns you have, and next steps. If any disagreements arise, you can use tools like active listening, “I” statements, and relying on professional help if necessary. Cheers to your engagement and your first prenup conversation!
Nicole Sheehey is the Head of Legal Content at HelloPrenup, and an Illinois licensed attorney. She has a wealth of knowledge and experience when it comes to prenuptial agreements. Nicole has Juris Doctor from John Marshall Law School. She has a deep understanding of the legal and financial implications of prenuptial agreements, and enjoys writing and collaborating with other attorneys on the nuances of the law. Nicole is passionate about helping couples locate the information they need when it comes to prenuptial agreements. You can reach Nicole here: Nicole@Helloprenup.com
0 Comments