The loss of a loved one is already emotionally charged, but when disputes about their estates rear their ugly heads, the grieving process can become a hundred times more complicated. Contesting a will isn’t just about legal technicalities and the financial toll of hiring a lawyer—it’s also an emotionally draining process that can take a serious toll on your mental health.
If you’re considering challenging a will or find yourself involved in a dispute over an inheritance, it’s essential to understand what’s at stake—not just legally, but emotionally. The prolonged stress and relational fractures can have lasting effects. Before stepping into this legal battle, knowing how your emotional health may be impacted can help you decide whether contesting a will is genuinely worth it.
The physiology of grief
Let’s zoom out for a second to understand why contesting a will is so emotionally exhausting. When someone we love dies, our bodies react in ways that are reminiscent of a physical illness: cortisol—the body’s stress hormone—spikes. Sleep gets disrupted, and appetite swings between extremes. Our immune system falters.
Grief is a physiological event; your brain is trying to process the anguish of a significant loss. That alone puts your body into overdrive. Add in a legal dispute (likely one that is more emotionally triggering), and you’ve got a recipe for sustained stress exposure. Our brains tend to prefer and perform better under short bursts of stress. But long, drawn-out stressful experiences? Our mental and physical health can take a significant hit.
Long-term stress
Chronic stress—the kind that comes from prolonged conflict—keeps your body in a heightened state of alert. Your sympathetic nervous system, responsible for the fight-or-flight response, is constantly engaged. In contesting a will, your brain will likely perceive every court date, every legal email, and every tense family interaction as a potential threat.
What happens then? A steady stream of stress hormones (epinephrine, norepinephrine, and corticotropin) that chip away at your well-being. What might you notice?
- Increased irritability
- Feeling exhausted
- Difficulties with sleep (either sleeping more or dealing with insomnia)
- Difficulties concentrating
- Finding it difficult to remember things (e.g., a dentist appointment, what was decided in a meeting)
- Mood swings
- Decreased desire to do things you would otherwise enjoy
- Increased sadness and just an overall depression in your mood
The longer you experience stress, the more the results compound. The increased irritability and difficulties concentrating? That can impact your productivity at work and your relationships outside of the family, increasing your stress level, which makes it even harder to concentrate, sleep, or remember. It’s a vicious cycle that can act like quicksand, pulling you deeper and deeper.
The family feud factor
One of the most significant origins of stress in this process? Family.
If you’re challenging a will, you’re likely going up against relatives: siblings, aunts, uncles… perhaps even a parent. People you once shared holiday dinners with now appear on the other side of a legal dispute. Family disputes are also more likely to pull at deep-seated dynamics, many of which can trigger significant emotional reactions. History of favoritism, being invalidated, misunderstood, or treated as “a child” often enters the interactions, driving family members (or you) to react in ways you wouldn’t in daily circumstances.
When these actions come from those we deem “family,” it’s easier to feel betrayed, become defensive, or have the confusion hit more deeply. For many, in this process, the relationship is transformed and may never return to what it was before the will contestation. This can be the hardest part. Legal fees and court hearings are one thing, but losing relationships? That is amplifying your loss in a way that may be harder to process or heal from.
The guilt paradox
Another psychological weight that comes with contesting a will is guilt. Even if you believe you have a legitimate case—you suspect undue influence or lack of mental capacity—you may still wrestle with the unsettling thought: What would they think about me doing this? On the flip side, if you’re defending the will, you may feel a different kind of guilt: Am I being greedy? Am I disregarding my family’s feelings or what they deserve?
This internal conflict can be draining. It can pop up with a memory, during a work meeting, or lying in bed. It can keep you up at night, take over your thoughts, and make you second-guess all your decisions. Add this to the grieving process, and the guilt can feel impossible to shake because there’s no way to ask the deceased for their perspective to help you reach a resolution.
The financial and emotional drain
Contesting a will is expensive—not just in dollars but in emotional bandwidth. So, let’s give you a real sense of what this process can cost you so you can make an informed decision.
- Legal fees: Think about your family, the parties involved, and their personality. How likely are they to capitulate, or are they the “fight-for-the-last-word” personality? If this case drags on, you might spend thousands (or tens of thousands) in legal expenses.
- Time disappears: These battles don’t wrap up in a few weeks; they can take months or even years. Time is precious, so consider how much time you are willing to trade for this.
- Emotional resources are depleted: As noted above, the stress of legal strategy meetings and courtroom battles takes a toll. This legal stress may put your grieving process on hold.
- Your personal life suffers: Relationships, work performance, and mental health often suffer when so much energy is consumed by legal disputes.
After examining the cost, some, even those with strong claims, may walk away. Not because they can’t win, but because they’ve done the calculation and the emotional and financial costs are too much. These “calculations” should also be done with a realistic view of your life stage—starting a family? Moving? Are you contemplating a career change? These are all factors to examine when considering the emotional costs of contesting a will now.
Final thoughts: Is contesting a will worth the emotional toll?
Estate disputes can be legally complex, but the emotional turmoil they bring is the more profound challenge. Whether you’re contesting a will you believe was unfairly altered or defending the intentions of a loved one’s final wishes, the emotional cost is undeniable. Long-term stress, fractured family relationships, and financial strain are all part of the reality of contesting a will that needs to be considered. All those are superimposed on your grieving process and current life events that may be occurring (think new job, adding to your family, or a physical move).
Before deciding, consider what matters most to you right now and what aligns with your values (the future impact). Consulting with estate planning attorneys and mental health professionals can help you clarify your options. Sometimes, preserving your peace is more valuable than any inheritance.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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