What is it about estate planning that can be such a mood killer? One minute, everyone is chatting about their favorite TV shows, and the next, Uncle Gary is shifting uncomfortably in his seat, muttering something about “not being dead yet.” Planning for death—also known as estate planning—often triggers strong emotional and psychological responses. Some people react by metaphorically (or literally) sprinting away. But avoiding the topic doesn’t change the reality; at some point, all of us will need an estate plan, whether we create one ourselves or have one determined for us after we’re gone. Instead of dodging the discomfort, let’s explore the psychological side of estate planning and how to navigate it more smoothly.
Death anxiety and the avoidance reflex
If estate planning makes you squirm, congratulations—you’re human. And you’re not alone. By its very nature, estate planning forces us to acknowledge one of life’s biggest fears: our mortality. On top of that, it can stir up anxiety about what happens after we’re gone.
So, what’s the brain’s most effective strategy for managing anxiety? Avoidance. And avoidance is a master of disguise—it can show up as procrastination, sudden enthusiasm for unrelated projects, or even forgetfulness. Sometimes, you don’t realize you’re avoiding something because your brain is so good at shielding you from discomfort.
If you find yourself putting off writing a will, delaying power-of-attorney decisions, or “forgetting” to research estate planning, avoidance is likely at play. But while avoidance feels good in the moment, it eventually backfires. It doesn’t reduce anxiety; it just postpones it, often amplifying the stress and creating long-term problems—the very thing we were trying to avoid in the first place.
The psychological difficulty of forward-thinking
Humans are wired to be imaginative, yet when it comes to envisioning our future selves, our creativity hits a wall. Psychologist Daniel Gilbert calls this the “end of history illusion”—the tendency to believe that who we are today is who we’ll always be. We assume our preferences, priorities, and values will remain unchanged, even decades later.
This cognitive bias makes it difficult to picture ourselves as elderly, vulnerable, or gone. Research suggests that when we think about our future selves, our brains activate the same neural pathways as when we think about a stranger. No wonder estate planning feels like an abstract and easily avoidable task—it’s like making major decisions for someone we don’t even know.
The psychological aspect of control
We all crave control—it’s why we like choosing what to eat, what to wear, and which song to blast in the car. Estate planning is, in many ways, our final attempt to exert control over the unknown—deciding how our assets are distributed, who receives what, and who will make medical decisions on our behalf if we can’t.
For some, this need for control leads to hyper-detailed estate plans, intricate trusts, and exhaustive instructions. Others take the opposite approach, avoiding the process altogether to maintain a sense of control through inaction. Both reactions stem from the same psychological struggle—confronting the limits of what we can and can’t dictate.
The key is striking a balance: recognizing what is within our power and taking action while also accepting the factors we can’t control. Estate planning isn’t just a legal task; it’s an emotional process that requires both preparation and acceptance.
Estate planning as a relationship tool
Money is never just money. It often represents something more profound—love, security, success, or a sense of belonging. This is why dividing assets isn’t just a financial decision; it can feel like a final message about the value of relationships.
Inheritance has a way of stirring up long-buried family dynamics. Old sibling rivalries may resurface, past resentments can intensify, and unexpected decisions might shock loved ones (“Wait, she left the house to who?!”).
While it’s not your job to manage everyone’s emotions, thoughtful estate planning creates space for open conversations and clarity. By addressing potential concerns now, you can reduce unnecessary conflict and help your loved ones navigate the process with fewer emotional surprises.
Cognitive biases that make estate planning harder
Your brain has built-in biases that can make estate planning feel even more daunting. Here are some of the most common ones:
- Optimism bias: “I’ll get to it later.” (Spoiler: later rarely comes.)
- Status quo bias: “Everything is fine the way it is.”
- Loss Aversion: “I don’t want to think about losing control or assets.“
- Present Bias: “I’d rather focus on what makes me happy right now than plan for the future.”
Recognizing these biases allows you to challenge them. Take the classic “I’ll get to it later” mindset—what evidence supports that belief, and what contradicts it? If the reasons against delaying outweigh the ones for it, you have your answer: it’s time to take action.
How to make estate planning less psychologically overwhelming
Now that we know why estate planning can be psychologically tricky, how do we make it easier? Here are some strategies:
1. Frame it as a gift, not a burden
Instead of seeing estate planning as a stressful obligation, reframe it as an act of love. You’re giving your family clarity and reducing their burden during a difficult time.
2. Break it into small steps
The process can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to tackle everything at once. Start with a tiny step—like listing your assets or choosing a healthcare proxy.
3. Set a deadline
Deadlines increase the likelihood of follow-through. Even better? Tell a friend, partner, or financial advisor about your timeline. They can help hold you accountable or check in with a gentle nudge.
4. Reward yourself
Estate planning isn’t fun, but it’s necessary. Set up a reward for yourself—whether it’s a fancy coffee, a new book, or a nice dinner—after completing key steps. It makes the process feel less like a chore.
5. Ask for help
Estate planning attorneys, financial advisors, and therapists can provide guidance and support. Having an expert in your corner can make the process less daunting.
Final thoughts on the psychological aspects of estate planning
Estate planning isn’t just about paperwork—it’s a deeply personal and psychological process that forces us to confront our worries, biases, and beliefs about so many things in life. While it’s natural to feel resistant, avoiding it only creates more stress in the long run.
Understanding the psychological hurdles involved—like avoidance, control, and cognitive biases—can help you approach estate planning with more care and confidence. Start small, ask for help, and remind yourself that estate planning is ultimately an act of care for both yourself and your loved ones. If you’re ready to take the first step, consider consulting an estate planning attorney or financial advisor. The sooner you start, the more peace of mind you’ll have—now and in the future.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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