Communication can’t be that hard, right? Just talk it out. But real communication encompasses so much more. It’s not just about what you say, but how you say it, when you say it, and what unspoken emotions or past experiences are coming along for the ride.
Even in the most loving relationships, things break down—not because people aren’t trying, but because communication is more layered than we may realize. We can miss cues, misread tone, get defensive, or expect our partner to read our mind. It’s complex, even when the love is strong.
In this article, we’ll explore what healthy communication really looks like from a psychological perspective—and why some of the go-to advice (like “use ‘I’ statements”) often falls short unless you understand the deeper dynamics at play. We’ll look at how our brains can sometimes sabotage our best efforts to connect, the common patterns that can erode trust, and a big picture view of healthy communication. You’ll also get therapist-tested strategies to break out of conflict loops, along with guidance on how to keep growing your communication skills as your relationship evolves.
What really falls under communication?
From a psychological perspective, communication is a multifaceted experience. It’s the entire package of how we send and receive messages, both consciously and unconsciously. And here’s the catch: the words themselves are only a small part of it.
Communication includes:
- Facial expressions: A raised eyebrow, a furrowed brow, or the tightness around someone’s mouth can completely alter the meaning of what they’re saying—or not saying. Our faces often reveal what we’re trying to hide with words.
- Body language: How we position ourselves—arms crossed, leaning in, turning away—signals openness, defensiveness, disinterest, or connection. Partners are constantly reading these cues, even if they’re not consciously aware of it.
- Tone of voice: Tone carries emotional weight. You can say “I’m fine” in a way that means “back off” or in a way that invites comfort. The tone can hold so much of the message.
- Volume and cadence: Yelling, whispering, speaking quickly or slowly—all of these affect how a message is received. A soft-spoken “I’m upset” might land differently than a loud, clipped version of the same sentence, even if the words are identical.
- Cadence: How quickly someone says something can signal how they are feeling–quickly rushing through can be nerves, a slower pace can be confidence, or a really slow pace could be emotional exhaustion.
- Words and content: Of course, language matters too. But it’s often filtered through everything else above. If the words don’t match the nonverbal cues, your partner will almost always believe the nonverbal message over the verbal one.
So, when we talk about communication, it’s more than just words. It’s all the ways we can communicate messages to each other, whether we realize we’re doing it or not.
Communication as a bidirectional and layered process
What does a “bidirectional and layered process” even mean?! To put it more plainly, it means that communication in relationships is complex and it’s an ongoing exchange that goes beyond words.
One way to conceptualize it is using the communication square model. This talk is about how every message carries four “signals”:
- Factual content: the literal information
- Self-revealing: what you share about yourself (like feelings, values, intentions)
- Relationship: Cues about how you view your partner or the dynamics between you two
- Appeal: what you want the other to do, think, or feel
Let’s take an example. Say your partners said, “It’s cold in here.” It could seem like a neutral comment, or it could express discomfort (self-reveal), signal to you that they believe you’re not caring for them (relationship), or a nudge for you to close the window (appeal). The tone, timing, and body language are big contextual clues here.
This model also has a feedback loop, so it’s not linear. Messages sent, interpreted, and responded to continuously shape and reshape the meaning between you both.
Communication traps that quietly erode closeness
Before we talk about what healthy communication looks like, let’s make you aware of pitfalls to avoid. These patterns don’t often show up as “big fights”—they are small actions that quietly drain the emotional safety in a relationship over time. Here are a few to look out for:
- Scorekeeping: “I unloaded the dishwasher, did bedtime, and handled the groceries. What did you do?” When conversations start sounding like audits, it’s usually a sign that needs (like being appreciated) aren’t being addressed directly.
- Mind reading: Assuming you know what your partner really meant or expecting them to guess what you’re feeling is one of the most impactful behaviors in a relationship.
- Sarcasm and dismissive humor: These often mask hurt or disconnection. When “jokes” land like jabs, they can leave both people feeling misunderstood and defensive.
- Delayed explosions: You let something slide. Then again. Then again. And finally, your partner forgets to buy the almond milk, and you snap. These blow-ups rarely feel proportionate, and they’re usually a sign that (unspoken) feelings have been building for some time.
What healthy communication encompasses
People often think of healthy communication as calm and rational. But that’s an idealized view. The truth is, real connection can be messy and have big feelings because it includes vulnerability. However, in healthy communication, those emotions are shared in a way that invites understanding, not distance. That can look like:
- Safety in disagreement: You can disagree or express frustration without worrying that the relationship is at risk.
- Curiosity, not defensiveness: When your partner brings up something hard, your first move is to get curious, not shut down or explain away.
- Knowing repair is possible: You can come back together after miscommunications and hard discussions. You both know how to say, “That didn’t go well—can we try again?” or at least be motivated to try.
- Shared responsibility: Communication is a two-way street. It’s not proving who was to blame or responsible; it’s about owning your own part and figuring out how to move forward together.
Healthy communication isn’t just about managing conflict; it’s about creating an environment where curiosity, honesty, and respect can thrive. It’s also an ongoing process that prioritizes showing up and trying every day so you each can feel seen, heard, and understood.
5 therapist-backed tips to strengthen communication
Here are strategies that can help strengthen your communication even in relationships that feel “stuck.” They’re simple—but not always easy.
- Name what’s happening in the moment
What’s happening under the surface? Try sharing what’s happening for you in the moment–what you’re feeling, noticing, and believing. That can look something like, “I’m starting to feel really activated right now. This is bringing up lots of my frustration, and I can’t deal right now,” instead of “You’re so rude!”
This kind of eta-communication—talking about the process rather than the content—is one of the most effective ways to pause escalation. If it’s hard, imagine watching the scene from outside and narrating what you see, or using phrases you would use if you were narrating a situation you observed between friends.
- Lead with the vulnerability
Skip the blame and go to the core of the experience: your vulnerability. So, instead of saying “You always ignore me,” try “When I talk and don’t get a response, I start to feel invisible and that really hurts.”
This is the deeper message and pain under the behavior (ignoring), and sharing that with your partner allows them the full context and understanding. It can also soften any defenses that might arise and open up the change for more discussion.
- Your mood matters
Your nervous system matters more than your words; try your best not to engage when dysregulated. If you or your partner is escalated, call a parley and take a break. Plan (and share that plan) to revisit the conversation later. Use things like “I want to make sure we talk about this, but I need a quick breather. Let’s come back to it later today when I can hear what you’re saying better.” It’s not avoidance (as long as you come back to it); it’s giving yourselves the best starting point for communicating.
- Don’t aim for being right—aim for being understood
When your goal is to prove your point (consciously or unconsciously), you’re not listening—you’re building your case. Shift the aim to authentic curiosity. Understanding can help with validation, even if you don’t agree. But validation and understanding help you both feel acknowledged.
- Build in low-stakes check-ins
Don’t wait for a fight to communicate. Just like exercise, starting small but being consistent is best to build up muscle. Set a weekly or biweekly check-in. Not sure what to talk about during this time? Try using these questions each time:
- What felt good in our communication this week?
- What felt hard or off?
- What’s one thing I need more or less of?
This makes space for ongoing calibration before things spiral.
How to keep growing: Communication is a practice, not a skill you master once
The healthiest communicators aren’t perfect—they’re reflective. They notice when they mess up, try again, and stay committed to understanding their partner. And they also know that different stages of life (new jobs, kids, grief, aging parents) will surface new patterns. Communication is something we keep learning together.
Here are some ways to support that growth:
- Therapy (individual or couples): Therapy isn’t just for crisis. It’s a space to untangle your patterns and get new tools—especially if you keep hitting the same wall.
- Journaling after conflict: Ask yourself, “What did I feel? What did I need? What story was I telling myself?” This helps you show up differently next time.
- Books and workshops: Not every couple wants or needs therapy. There are excellent books and courses out there that can help you sharpen your skills together.
Using these tips can help you practice and master communication within your relationship.
Final thoughts: How to keep communication in your relationship healthy
Healthy communication in relationships isn’t something you’re naturally good or bad at—it’s something you practice, refine, and grow over time with each other. The couples who communicate well aren’t the ones who never argue or always know the right words. They’re the ones who stay curious about each other. They check in instead of assuming. They learn from missteps. And they understand that communication is dynamic—it shifts with stress, life stages, and emotional context.
If nothing else, remember: healthy communication is being willing to try and building emotional safety. With some awareness, intention, and a few grounded strategies, communication can become less of a source of tension and more of a tool for closeness.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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