Whether you call them default parents, primary caregivers or for many families just, ‘Mom’, they’re the ones who constantly keep everything running smoothly. They’re the ones who the school calls first, knows when it’s time for new shoes (and goes ahead and buys them in the next size up), sets up playdates, interviews nannies and more. No one officially assigns them this job, but they carry the mental and physical load that holds the household together
But, becoming a default parent—or the partner to a default parent—doesn’t just happen overnight. It’s a gradual shift that solidifies over time, often along gender lines, and can define the family dynamic. Many couples only realize the division of labor is unbalanced when resentment bubbles to the surface.
The good news is that inequities at home are not inevitable. In this article, we’ll unpack how couples can proactively avoid falling into default parent dynamics and serve up practical strategies you can institute, whether your relationship is brand new or you’re decades in.
Following Gender Lines
It really wasn’t that long ago when family roles were black and white: the primary breadwinner was almost always the men and women generally assumed the responsibility of caring for the children and home. In fact, according to Pew Research, as recently as 1972, nearly half of U.S. marriages (49%) had a husband as the sole earner. In 2023, that percentage fell to 23% as over time, women entered the workforce and took on larger roles outside the home.
But, as women branched out to earn higher education degrees and built careers, they still often remained primarily responsible for household and child-related duties. In other words, expectations at home never fully caught up to these societal shifts. One 2023 report found that 58% of moms remained primarily responsible for duties running a household and caring for children.
Expectations and support didn’t adapt to women’s changing role in society. The result? Mothers burning the candle at both ends, trying to ‘do it all’ for their job and their family. They (we) are taking Zoom meetings from the school pickup line, hustling to finish work after bedtime and carrying the invisible weight of keeping the family functioning. While culture changed, expectations for women did not.
Practical Ways to Avoid Default Parent Syndrome (Even Before Having Kids)
When you enter a relationship, there are likely things you ask yourself (and your significant other) to see if you’re compatible. You probably talk about where you want to live, discuss finances and salaries, whether you want kids, and even what “clean” means when you say you’ll tidy up.
What many couples don’t talk about is who will carry the mental load once (and if) kids arrive—and how to keep things equitable at home. While this topic isn’t likely a huge pre-marriage discussion point, it really should be. Whether you’re planning for children someday or already feel like you’ve slipped into fixed roles, these are discussions you can start now and revisit anytime.
Create a prenup that also accounts for caregiving
Did you know that prenups aren’t strictly about protecting your assets and what happens should you divorce? They can touch on future caregiving roles. For example, should one spouse decide to leave the workforce after having children, a prenup can outline (in advance) what happens when a non-working spouse gives up an income, career ambitions, contributions to a retirement account and risks a long gap in their resume, all to raise children. A prenup can ensure the non-working spouse is compensated for their time and sacrifices. Parenting is work and the home is your office. Documenting these “what if” scenarios upfront can help avoid imbalance, resentment and financial vulnerability later.
Talk about what your career after children looks like
If you and your partner decide to have children, what happens next? Does one spouse intend to stay at home and raise the children or do you both intend to continue working full-time? According to HelloPrenup, the male is the higher earner in 58.9% of their customers. When there is an income disparity, asking these questions early and discussing possible scenarios, forces you to confront assumptions you may not realize you’re holding. A discussion is less about creating a rigid plan, but more about understanding what each of you wants, what you’re willing to compromise on and what resources you may need to make it all happen.
Discuss caregiving expectations
Your wonderful baby is here and while your love grows, so does the time, energy and money spent raising your little one. While it may feel impossible to find the time to have a clear-headed discussion about caregiving expectations, it’s table stakes you do so. Topics may include: who handles what day-to-day tasks, what happens when one parent is overwhelmed and when to bring in outside help like a nanny, mother’s helper, au pair or family assistant.
The idea is to be as transparent as possible with your partner to stay aligned as your family and relationship evolves and expands. Having these tough conversations early can proactively prevent default parent dynamics from becoming your reality.
Ensuring Equity After Kids
Anyone with kids knows how easy it is to fall into routines: breakfast, school, after school activities, a rushed dinner, books and bed. Rinse and repeat. And while kids thrive on routines and they can provide convenience, it doesn’t take long for one parent to always handle the school forms, doctor appointments and playdate coordination simply because they are available and took it all on from day one.
But, equity at home doesn’t have to be because of convenience or by chance. Equity at home after kids is created through intention and buy-in from key stakeholders. Here are a few strategies to help prevent one spouse from becoming the lifelong default parent:
1. Intentional and Regular Check-ins
Just like at work, schedule a weekly “stand up” meeting, ideally on Sunday or at the beginning of the week. Think of these meetings as a quick all-hands operations meeting where you can go over that week’s schedule (maybe one parent needs more support that week because of a looming work deadline), and discuss what’s working and what feels a bit uneven. Small and intentional conversations can prevent resentment from building.
2. Create Clear Swim Lanes for House- and Child-Related Duties
Divide responsibilities based on strengths, preferences and availability. For example, if your spouse enjoys cooking but can’t stand grocery shopping, perhaps you own the shopping and your partner handles cooking dinner. Or, if you don’t mind the specifics of school forms, then assign yourself ownership of all school permission slips and forms. Assigning true ownership doesn’t mean micromanaging. Once you are assigned a task, own it fully (and trust that your partner owns their responsibilities fully as well).
3. Share the Planning, Not Just the Execution
Keeping your home and family running takes intentional planning. Both partners should have a seat at the table. This guarantees that one person isn’t always the project manager. By sharing the planning you also share accountability.
4. Get Buy-in From Your Entire Family
If the school keeps calling you even though your partner is listed as the main contact, or your kids automatically come to you when their shoes are too small (again), that’s a sign the system isn’t sticking and your roles aren’t being conveyed effectively. And we get it—it’s very tempting to say, “I’ll just handle it this one time.” But those “one times” add up fast and quietly pull you back into the default parent role.
5. Ask for Help Before It’s Too Late
Repeat after us: it’s ok to ask for help. No relationship, family or individual can thrive under constant pressure and overload. Even the most well equipped family sometimes needs a pinch hitter—and that’s perfectly ok! Whether you decide to hire a nanny (even for just a few hours a week), a house manager or family assistant, understanding where you need support—and then hiring for it—will help your entire family thrive.
Being a Default Parent Isn’t a Destiny
While it may be easy to fall into the default parent role, adopting this role—and then staying in it—is anything but inevitable. Avoiding default parent syndrome starts with frequent and honest discussions with your partner and co-parent, even before you’ve changed that first dirty diaper.
Because the sooner you recognize that caregiving is labor, the sooner you can align on responsibilities to keep your family and home running smoothly. This means sharing the mental load, bringing in outside help like a nanny or family assistant when needed, or adopting the Fair Play method.
Parenthood is spectacular, but it’s also really hard, even with the best support. When both partners step into a caregiving role with awareness and accountability to the family unit and each other, no one feels like they need to quietly carry the world on their shoulders. Because nobody should have to parent alone.
Stephanie Fornaro, a graduate of UC Davis with a BA in Communications, founded Hello Nanny! after a career in sales and business development in the medical devices and software industries.
After welcoming her second child, Stephanie struggled to balance her career and motherhood due to the lack of trustworthy, reliable childcare. Without a village to rely on, Stephanie created her own and hired a nanny, which gave her the support she needed to thrive both at work and at home. This experience inspired her to launch Hello Nanny! in 2022 where she connects families with trustworthy caregivers.
Stephanie’s personal journey, coupled with her corporate background, has shaped her passion for creating positive, mutually beneficial and long-lasting nanny-family partnerships. At Hello Nanny!, Stephanie’s expertise and personal passion for empowering mothers serve as the foundation for their commitment to helping families find the perfect nanny match.
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