“Oh, I can never bring that up.”
“We will just wait till after we are married to talk about it.”
“We keep things separate. It works.”
As a Certified Financial Therapist one of the top things I hear from my clients is they don’t know how to start a productive conversation around money especially with someone that they have fallen in love with.
Studies have shown that people say I love you way before they share financial information. Sounds about right to you?
What does that mean in your relationship?
Let’s think about this slightly differently – what happens when you and your partner push off the conversation, let misunderstandings linger and communication break down? This can be in the bedroom, in the kitchen, or with family issues. The longer it sits in the dark the more resentment tends to grow and when the conversation finally happens it feels like fireworks and not the good kind that makes you smile and cuddle under the stars. The same is true with financial conversations. What I see is couples often push off the conversation because they are afraid of the reaction, have shame or embarrassment of past financial mistakes, or concerns that they might misalign on values that will lead to a fight or worse a break up.
What if I told you that you can have a production financial conversation that you both felt safe and heard? It takes practice and using the Money Mindset Method that I created to help thousands of people break down money conversations into focused supportive conversations.
Let’s break down the framework so you can use it tonight.
M: Make the conversation comfortable.
There is one rule here. You can not have the conversation in the bedroom. Think about the last time you two had a good conversation outside the bedroom. Time of day. Location. Tone of voice. Setting yourself up for success is a big step that is often overlooked because people just want the conversation over with. Setting the environment is key.
I encourage my clients to go for a walk or drive to have these conversations at first. Walking or sitting side by side reduces the stress of direct eye contact and lowering vulnerability.
O: One question at a time
While you are super excited to “finally” be sitting down to talk on the topic of finances it is not the time to throw all your questions and concerns into one conversation. Select one question to focus on. You can keep a list of other questions that show up for follow up meetings.
For now, one question.
Tip: Write the question down or put a picture of the goal and keep it in front of you to remind you of what the question is that you are focusing on today. Point to it throughout the conversation if you find yourselves wandering off track.
N: Nurture shared goals
This is your why. Why is this goal important to you, not us, but you as an individual. Allow each person to share about the why. Do not rush this step. This will help each of you understand why you want this goal to be achieved. Your reasons can and probably will be different but as long as the end goal is the same you are setting yourself up for a win. Having buy-in from each person is key to success.
E: Evaluate practical solutions
How can you solve this issue? There are many ways to solve a problem, so use this time to brainstorm various solutions both together and separately. What resources can you use, what timelines seem most appropriate, and use the time to think outside the box here. There are no wrong answers.
Tip: Set a timer for 3 minutes and each of you write down ways to solve the problem. Then share with each other possible solutions. You can also use Chatgpt for an additional view of ways to solve problems.
Y: Say yes to compassion
This might be a challenging conversation for yourself and/or your partner. Find ways to be compassionate during and after the meeting. One client I worked with had been together for 7 years and talking about weddings and buying a house in the next 2-3 years. While they were having the conversation and mapping out dollars needed for both, she noticed her partner would get up and go into the kitchen to “wash a dish” or “get a glass of water” in the beginning of their relationship she took this as a sign of walking away from her during an important conversation which left her feeling upset, what she learned over time it was his sign that he was anxious and needed a short break to move around and think. He always came back. She just needed to give him a few minutes to breathe. Now him leaving to go into the kitchen isn’t a fight, it is the time they both take to regroup, breath, and after a few minutes resume the conversation.
Just like other parts of your relationship, financial conversations take practice. I suggest starting with smaller conversations and building the skill. This can be your summer vacation or gifts for mother’s day for your parents. By using the framework you both will have the ability to practice the skills and overtime when it is time to have bigger conversations like pre-nups you will already have put the work in.
If you need help with this topic, pick up a deck of “Let’s Talk Finances: Couples Edition” or a copy of Conversations with Your Financial Therapist: Stories and scripts to Grow Your Money Mindset on Amazon.
Learning to talk about money in an open and honest way will be a skill that will last a lifetime.
Stop guessing, start deciding.
Erika Wasserman is a Certified Financial Therapist and founder of Your Financial Therapist. She helps people have the money conversations they keep avoiding. Author of Conversations with Your Financial Therapist, endorsed by Shark Tank’s Barbara Corcoran, she mixes real talk with practical tools so you can feel calmer, clearer, and more confident with money.
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