Did you know you are 31% less likely to divorce if you have pre-marital counseling? Working with hundreds of clients over the years, I’ve accumulated quite a few tidbits. There are the ones that I’m sure you already know – things like open communication, sharing appreciation, learning to forgive… All good advice for a reason. But there are more, some that I think are lesser known. In this article, we’ll explore these overlooked nuggets of wisdom. Incorporating them can help build a strong and resilient foundation for your partnership.
Date each other…Forever
One common misconception is that dating only occurs before the wedding and that once you’re married, you settle in and no longer have to worry about dating. I’m here to tell you that this line of thinking can negatively impact your marriage.
- Make marital dating a priority: This may feel overwhelming or unnecessary in certain stages of your lives together (ahem, having a newborn is a doozy of a stage). Still, this behavior will help maintain the health of your relationship.
- Dating has a new look in marriage: Dating doesn’t always have to look the same as before you were married. At the core, it is a time when you focus on each other to strengthen your emotional and physical bonds. It’s also a time to check in with your partner and get to know them as the person they are today (more about that below).
- Date ideas: Get creative with your date ideas. Try new activities together, revisit old favorites, or plan a romantic weekend getaway. Try not to feel too pressured – it can be something as simple as an evening walk, just the two of you.
- Even the little things matter: Don’t underestimate the power of small gestures in everyday life. Leave love notes for each other, surprise your partner with their favorite treat, or simply take a few minutes each day to check in and ask how their day was.
By continuing to date each other, you continually demonstrate your commitment to each other. Love isn’t static; it’s dynamic and requires ongoing effort and attention. Not only will this help maintain your love, but it will also deepen and strengthen it.
Create a working relationship with your in-laws
We’ve all heard the in-laws jokes… the SNL sketches, and the memes. Like most things with relationships and marriage, there are layers of nuances; many individuals get along and have strong relationships with their in-laws, while others have strained ones.
- You don’t have to like them: At the end of the day, you don’t have to like your in-laws. I’ll repeat that: you aren’t a bad person if you don’t like your in-laws.
- You do need a working relationship with them: However, if your in-laws are in your partner’s life, you do have to have a good, “working” relationship with them. How do I define a “working” relationship? I define it as one where you can cultivate a respectful and cooperative relationship, crucial for your marriage’s health.
- Establish clear boundaries: Setting boundaries doesn’t mean shutting them out entirely; instead, it involves defining what is acceptable and what isn’t in terms of their involvement in your lives. This could include discussing family gatherings, financial support, and decision-making processes. Setting a good foundation here is extremely helpful if or when you decide to have children.
- Open channels of communication with the in-laws: Create open communication channels with your in-laws. To clarify, you don’t have to do all the talking. Focus on clearly and explicitly agreeing with your spouse on who communicates what and when to either side of the family.
- Communicate with your partner: Open communication with your spouse is also necessary – don’t let resentment build up. Bring up your concerns calmly and respectfully with your partner and, when appropriate, directly with your in-laws.
Remember, your partner’s family is a part of their life and, by extension, a part of your life as well. Ignoring or dismissing their presence can create tension and conflict within your marriage.
Learn to fight. Well.
Hold your horses—I don’t mean to start a Fight Club here. I want to reframe the “link” between arguing and a successful marriage. How often have you heard, “Oh, they’re a great couple… I’ve never seen them fight!”
My hot take? A successful partnership knows how to:
- Constructively argue.
- Argues often (enough).
- Knows how to repair successfully.
How do you learn to do this? Here are a few things to ask yourselves:
- Are you comfortable with disagreements or arguments?
- Learn your argument “style.”
- How does your argument style and your partner’s style interact?
It’s also important to recognize when to step back and cool off during heated arguments. If emotions are running high, it’s okay to table the discussion and revisit it when both partners are calmer and more rational.
Embrace change
Everyone changes. We change and grow with each experience, each challenge we overcome, and each person we meet. You just aren’t the same as you were 2 years ago or 10 years from now, and same with your spouse.
- Shift your mindset: It can be scary to imagine you and your spouse changing. For some people, to change automatically means losing the familiarity and security of the relationship. View change as an opportunity for your relationship to go to a place you didn’t imagine it could; it can lead to growth and a deeper connection.
- Change can make you stronger: Embracing change in each other and the relationship can build a sense of acceptance and openness within the relationship. Holding on too tightly to a version of each other (or the relationship) can stunt growth and breed resentment.
- Make lemonade when life gives you lemons: Embrace life changes as well. Life can throw tough things at us all, and not all changes are positive. These twists and turns can be opportunities to build new memories, support each other, and become stronger as a couple.
Feelings are never wrong
Approach your relationship and partner with the genuine belief that feelings are neither right nor wrong – they simply are. Learn to validate your partner’s feelings. Again, feelings aren’t right or wrong; they just are. Why validating feelings matters:
- Creates a safe communication environment: Validation of feelings creates a safe and supportive environment, fostering open communication between partners. When both individuals feel validated, they are more likely to express their emotions openly and honestly. This open exchange of feelings strengthens the bond between partners and promotes emotional intimacy, decreasing behaviors that can reduce the closeness between partners.
- Process emotions better: Furthermore, validating feelings enables both partners to experience their emotions in a healthy manner and process them effectively. Rather than avoiding or suppressing emotions, which can lead to unresolved conflicts or emotional outbursts, validation encourages constructive engagement with feelings. It allows individuals to acknowledge and address their emotions in real-time, leading to more productive and meaningful interactions.
- Feelings are valid; bad behavior is not: It’s essential to recognize that while feelings themselves are always valid, not all behaviors resulting from those feelings are acceptable. For instance, it’s natural to feel anger, but it’s not appropriate to express that anger through verbal abuse or hostility towards your partner. By defining those boundaries between the validity of emotions and the appropriateness of behaviors, couples can navigate challenges with empathy, understanding, and respect.
Takeaways
In this crazy ride we call marriage, you’ll encounter a variety of advice, wisdom, and tips. It’s up to you, as a couple, to figure out what works best for you and your relationship. The advice and tips here are based on my experience working with hundreds of clients, and I hope they help expand your knowledge beyond conventional relationship advice.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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