Every marriage has a moment when you’ll ask yourself the question, “Should I fight for my marriage?” To deny that is to invalidate the full experience of a marriage (or committed relationship) – one full of highs and lows. While each relationship may vary in how the highs and lows are experienced, so many of us have had moments where we’re not even sure we recognize the person who shares our bed. This article will explore common challenges in marriage and walk you through factors to consider. Whether this is a passing thought or the first step to making a decision, the content here will help bring more clarity to your situation.
What are your marital challenges?
Marriage is anything but easy. Identifying current areas of struggle can give you a better understanding of what is triggering your question and what you and your partner would have to overcome if you were to continue with the relationship. These are some common difficulties that many couples face:
- Poor communication: Miscommunications, lack of effective communication, or lack of communication in general can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.
- Lack of trust: Unreliability, lack of accountability, insecurity, and betrayals of any scale can erode trust.
- Financial stress: Misaligned values regarding money, disagreements on use, debt/bills… all these things can increase stress in the relationship. For example, if one person values saving and the other person values spending, there may be a major marital issue to resolve.
- Unfulfilled intimacy needs: Decline in physical and/or emotional intimacy results in partners’ feeling disconnected. Those feelings of distance can compound and affect other areas of the relationship.
- Conflicting priorities: Differences in goals (individual & as a couple) can lead to tensions and ruptures. This can cause feelings of resentment, anger, or helplessness.
- External Influences: Family, friends, and work-related pressures can significantly impact the dynamics of a marriage.
Where are you noticing difficulties with your partner? Is it in one or a few of these areas? All of them? Every healthy relationship encounters many or all of these challenges from time to time. However, a better sense of what is currently contributing to your feelings can help you decide your next steps.
What are your marital strengths?
After assessing the areas of difficulty, explore the areas that you consider strengths in the relationship. Be honest with yourself—try not to overestimate or underestimate. This will help you decide if you want to fight for your marriage and what may make it easier if you do decide to move forward.
- Emotional Connection: How strong is your emotional bond? Do you and your spouse still share emotional intimacy, understanding, and support for each other? If so, how long has it been since you genuinely felt emotionally connected to your partner? Would you be happy were the emotional connection restored to what it was in the past?
- Communication: Reflect on whether you and your spouse communicate openly, honestly, and respectfully. Can you count on your partner to hear and acknowledge your thoughts, feelings, and needs–and do you do the same for them?
- Trust and Respect: Consider whether you still feel you can trust and rely on your spouse to do what they say they’re going to do and be transparent with you about their thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
- Shared Values and Goals: Couples often come together due to shared values and common goals. Reflect on whether your current values and life aspirations are still aligned with your partner’s.
- Intimacy and Affection: Physical and emotional intimacy are essential components of a marriage. Assess whether you and your spouse still share affection, passion, and a desire to connect intimately.
You’ll notice that many of these are the same as the areas above; remember, just because it’s not an area of challenge doesn’t mean it’s automatically an area of strength for you as a couple.
Seeking support: Who to reach out to and how they can help
Working through all of this on your own can be difficult. Being able to talk through each of these things and hear questions or reactions from another person can be super beneficial. You can reach out to someone you trust like a sibling, a couples therapist, or an individual counselor, like someone with an MFT, LCSW, MSW, PsyD, PhD, or MD degree.
You might be wondering what a therapist or counselor might help you do. Here’s what to expect:
- Recognize Unresolved Issues: A counselor or therapist can help identify underlying issues that are contributing to the challenges in your relationship.
- Improve Communication: A trained third party, such as a counselor, can help identify and recommend effective communication strategies. Whether it’s learning new strategies, letting go of ineffective ones, and/or practicing in a safe environment.
- Rebuild Trust: If trust has been damaged and you’re seeking an understanding of what needs to be done to rebuild it, a therapist can provide insight. That information can help inform your decision—can the trust be rebuilt?
- How to Say Goodbye: Maybe you’ve already made a decision; but making such a big decision has you questioning yourself. Speaking with a trained professional can help ease the anxiety and set up a value-aligned way to close this chapter of your life.
Note: If you are ever concerned for your physical or emotional well-being, please contact the domestic abuse hotline for immediate help. A therapist can also support you in processing any disrespect or abuse and to make concrete action steps to keep you safe.
Marriage dealbreakers that you may want to consider
Still unsure whether you should remain in your marriage? Other dealbreakers to consider include:
- Unwillingness to change: For the marriage to succeed, both partners must be willing to work on it. If one spouse consistently refuses to change harmful behaviors, admit clear wrongdoing, or seek help, the marriage may be at an impasse.
- Religious Beliefs: Do you find that one or both of you have strong religious beliefs that are incongruent with each other? Do one or both of you find it difficult or even impossible to compromise if it has to do with each other’s religion?
- Financial Values: If financial values differ, partners are apt to argue over spending habits, savings, and long-term financial planning. One partner may be more focused on financial security, while the other may prioritize experiences and enjoyment.
- Cultural Backgrounds: Partners from different cultural backgrounds sometimes have varying expectations, traditions, and values. These differences can impact lifestyle choices, communication styles, and approaches to relationships.
- Family Planning: You both may have been in sync on the topic of having kids when you first were married, but is that still the case? As an irreversible decision, it can be a significant source of conflict and not one that can be easily compromised.
- How to resolve conflict: We all have different communication styles & ways we address conflict. But irreconcilable differences here have a domino effect on a relationship and can cause a cycle of misunderstandings, unresolved issues, and hurt feelings.
- Social and Recreational Activities: Partners with divergent norms when it comes to socializing or engaging in recreational activities often struggle to find common ground on how to spend their leisure time together. Decreased opportunities to have fun with each other can exacerbate other issues in the marriage and increase the emotional distance between partners.
The above examples may irreconcilable in your marriage. For example, if someone really refuses to change, there may be no path forward. Or if there is a religious belief boundary it can be very difficult to work around it.
At the end of the day…trust your gut
In the end, only you will truly know when you should fight for your marriage or when it’s time to close this chapter of your life. Your intuition is a power guide – don’t ignore it. If you find it difficult to hear your own thoughts or gut, find a way to quiet your mind. It might be physical exercise, journaling, mindfulness exercises, or going to a calming environment (i.e., nature).
The bottom line on whether or not you should fight for your marriage
Deciding whether to fight for your marriage is a deeply personal journey that requires introspection, communication, and sometimes professional guidance. Remember that every relationship is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. While fighting for your marriage is commendable, remember that your health and happiness are the main points. Trust your instincts, consider the well-being of any children involved, and ultimately make the choice that aligns best with your values and the well-being of both you and your partner.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) About Fighting for Your Marriage
This is a very deep and sensitive topic. Here are some more questions answered.
Q: What are the signs of a failing marriage?
A: If a partner is unwilling to change and/or there are differences that cannot be fixed, such as religious differences or family planning contrasts, it may be a sign of a failing marriage.
Q: Is it normal to have doubts about my marriage?
A: Yes, it’s entirely normal to have doubts when facing challenges. Take the time to explore your feelings and seek guidance if needed.
Q: How can individual counseling and/or marriage counseling help in the decision-making process?
A: Individual counseling can provide a safe space to explore and process feelings. Marriage counseling provides a neutral space for both partners to express their thoughts and feelings, helping to gain clarity and understanding. Depending on your’s (and your partner’s decision) it can also be useful to move forward in rebuilding the marriage or ending it.
Q: Can a marriage be saved if only one partner is willing to work on it?
A: This is a question that only a couple can answer for themselves. However, my viewpoint is that it is very unlikely. A relationship (any relationship) is dynamic and interdependent; if only one partner is willing to work on it, significant movement or change is not going to occur. At the very least, the other partner must be open to accepting the changes of the other partner, and allow themselves to react positively to it.
Q: What if I still love my spouse but feel unhappy in the marriage?
A: It sounds like you may not be ready to end the relationship. It depends on what steps you (and your spouse) have taken; if no action or communication has been taken, I’d suggest sharing these feelings with your partner. At the end of the day, if you’re continually unhappy in your relationship, I think it’s important to honor your feelings and yourself and consider alternative action.
Q: Should I consider a trial separation before making a decision?
A: Trial separation provides space for reflection, but clear communication about the intentions and expectations for the separation period is vital. Consider other factors such as any children and financial impacts/feasibility.
Q: How do I know if I’m the problem in a marriage?
A: This is hard to answer without evaluating every single situation. It’s rare that a marriage fails because of JUST one person’s actions; it’s usually two people who make things go wrong in their own ways. However, if you are unwilling to change for your partner (in reasonable ways) or if you’re unwilling to work on the marriage, you may be contributing to the marital issues in a big way.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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