In 1968, only 13% of American children lived with an unmarried parent – that’s about 9 million children. Fast forward to 2017, and this figure has skyrocketed. Over a third (32%) of U.S. children, a staggering 24 million, now live in single-parent households (a.k.a., have unmarried parents). In today’s evolving society, traditional concepts surrounding marriage and family are undergoing huge upheavals. Millennials are marrying later–or not marrying at all. Fewer and fewer people are having kids. As more folks embrace personal autonomy and diverse relationship models, it is not uncommon for someone to want to have children…but not get married. Let’s discuss why some people prefer to have kids outside of marriage, some guiding principles for anyone considering doing things this way, and explore the challenges and considerations associated with intentionally having kids outside of marriage.
Celebs who have chosen to have kids but not get married
If you’re looking for inspo, support, relatability, or are just here out of pure curiosity, here are several celebrities who have conquered the world of having children without getting married:
- Lala Kent: This Reality TV star (of Bravo’s Vanderpump Rules) has just recently announced to the world that she is pregnant with a sperm donor. She cites her reasoning as not wanting to “share” her kid with anyone else.
- Sheryl Crow: She opted for parenthood sans marriage after several relationships didn’t work out and adopted two boys as a single parent.
- Mindy Kaling: She has two children, but the father of the children remains a mystery. However, she remains an unmarried mom and thriving!
- Eva Mendes & Ryan Gosling: This perfect couple has never tied the knot despite having two kids together, and they are still going strong!
As you can see, these celebrities are paving the way for the unmarried parenting couples who have made it look easy (most of the time). Whether you love them or hate them, it’s always nice to see your lifestyle represented in the media!
Why do people choose to have children without marriage
If you are not one of the people who want to have children without marriage, you may be a bit confused about why someone would want this, but we’re here to tell you there are plenty of good reasons people are choosing this path. Is it the easiest path? Maybe, maybe not, but there are supporting reasons as to the “why.” Let’s discuss:
- Changing Family Norms: Traditional marriage-centered families are becoming less common. People now accept diverse family structures and define family by love, not legal status. For instance, 65% of kids lived with two married parents as of 2022.
- Desire for Parenthood: Some feel deeply fulfilled by becoming parents, regardless of their marital status. Or maybe they haven’t met “the one” yet and feel that they want to start their family now, even though they are not married. For example, Lala Kent (Vanderpump Rules Reality TV Star) chose to have a child with a sperm donor and not have a co-parent because of her strong desire to become a parent again, despite not having a partner.
- Seeking Happiness, Not Just Tradition: Societal expectations around marriage have lessened. People prioritize personal fulfillment and relationships that work for them, not what others expect.
- Avoiding Legal/Financial Complexities: Marriage brings legal ties to assets and finances. And, of course, there’s the scary “d” word (divorce, that is). Some couples and individuals prefer the autonomy of remaining unmarried for simplicity or control.
- Commitment Without Marriage: Unmarried couples can still have a deep commitment and long-term relationships without the legal contract known as marriage. For example, Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes (both accomplished actors) have a seemingly beautiful relationship with children and have never tied the knot.
- Prioritizing Independence: Some people view marriage as restrictive. Choosing children without marriage allows them to achieve their goal of parenthood and also maintain greater personal autonomy.
As you can see, the reasons for having kids without marriage are all over the map—from marriage commitment avoidance to changing family norms. Regardless of the reason, it ultimately comes down to individuals making choices that reflect their values, priorities, and vision for family life—even if that vision looks different from tradition.
Key considerations for having kids without marriage
Are you yourself considering having kids without getting married? Here are important guiding principles to bear in mind if you decide to follow this path.
Co-Parenting: The foundation
- Strong Partnership is Key: Open communication, trust, and shared values are essential if you’re co-parenting.
- Choosing Wisely: Even without romance, prioritize compatibility. Discuss parenting styles, goals, and expectations in depth before committing.
- Don’t Rush: If the relationship isn’t solid, focus on building that first, even if it means waiting a while.
Support System: Essential for You and Your Child
- Build Your Village: Whether it’s family, friends, or a chosen community, you need reliable help with childcare and emotional support.
- Single Parents: Ensure you have the resources to thrive personally, not just as a parent. A.k.a., the help you need to still take care of yourself and “pour into your own cup.”
- It Benefits Everyone: Maintaining support systems is important for ALL parents, but especially those going it alone.
Balancing Your Life and Parenthood
- Plan for “Me Time”: Have childcare lined up so you can pursue your own goals and recharge.
- Be Realistic: Having work (if financially possible) can make balancing your roles easier in the long run.
- Self-Care is NOT Selfish: Your mental and physical health is crucial for being a good parent. It’s okay to make time for yourself.
Challenges of having kids without marriage: What to prepare for
We’re not saying things will be all roses and butterflies. While parenthood may bring you the joy you have always dreamt of, there are challenges you may need to prepare yourself for:
Social Pressure:
- Be Prepared: Unfortunately, some people may judge your choices. Focus on your child’s well-being, not others’ opinions.
- Find Your Tribe: Seek out supportive communities and friends who understand your path. You can seek out real structured communities that are other unmarried parents, such as support groups, Reddit communities, etc. You can also try to find local friends in a similar situation. You can try apps like Peanut to find some new parent friends!
Navigating Legal Issues:
- Laws Vary: Parental rights and protections can differ for unmarried parents based on your location. For instance, establishing paternity for an unmarried father or determining child custody varies from state to state.
- Proactive is Key: Don’t wait until a problem arises. Consult a family law attorney to understand your options and all of the potential outcomes. For example, will custody ever become an issue? What about child support? What happens if you pass away? Make sure you get all of your ducks in a row!
- Agreements Matter: You may need written co-parenting agreements, custody plans, etc. These are legally binding, so professional legal help is crucial.
Between the social pressure of tying the knot and navigating the legal issues of child custody and parenting, having children without getting married is not without its downfalls, so make sure this is truly what you want before diving in.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about having kids without getting married
Q: Whose last name does a baby take if the parents are not married?
A: This choice is generally up to the parents (with a few exceptions). It can be the mother’s last name, the father’s last name, a hyphen name, or something else!
Q: Is it really ok to have children without being married?!
A: The most important thing is that the parent(s) are physically, intellectually, emotionally, and financially fit to take on such a major responsibility. Marriage is not a prerequisite for starting a healthy and functional family, but readiness in all of the aforementioned areas is.
Q: What are the advantages of having children without marriage?
A: Having children without marriage means that parents are free to prioritize personal fulfillment and autonomy and explore non-traditional relationship models. It provides flexibility in managing personal and financial affairs and (if done well) promotes the intentional creation of a supportive and nurturing environment for children.
Q: What are the potential challenges faced by unmarried parents?
A: Unmarried parents are likely to face social stigma or judgment from others and may also run into extra-legal complications and difficulties balancing their responsibilities as parents with their personal needs and interests.
Q: How can unmarried parents navigate co-parenting effectively?
A: Successful co-parenting requires open communication, mutual understanding, and shared responsibility. Unmarried parents should prioritize the development of effective co-parenting strategies before they have a child, while knowing that they may need to continually pivot and adjust to changing realities after the arrival of the child(ren). They should also take care to establish clear and explicit expectations and continually nurture their own relationship, even if it isn’t a romantic one.
Q: Is it possible to maintain a long-term commitment without marriage?
A: Yes! Marriage is only one valid way to commit to a relationship for the long haul. Today, many healthy couples enjoy strong, lasting relationships without being married. Commitment, emotional connection, and shared values are essential factors in sustaining a lasting partnership, regardless of legal marriage.
Q: Can you get a prenup between co-parents who are not married?
A: Nope! Prenups are between two future spouses planning to get married. Prenups are not effective unless the marriage actually takes place. Plus, prenups do not (and legally cannot) deal with child matters such as child custody and child support.
The bottom line on having kids without getting married
Choosing to have children without getting married is a personal decision influenced by a range of factors. This decision is a reflection of the changing dynamics of family structures in modern society and of the fact that it is increasingly acceptable to challenge societal norms in favor of creating new systems based on what works well for each individual, couple, or set of co-parents. So, cheers to coming up with whatever parenting arrangement works well for you, your co-parent (if there is one), and your child.
Nicole Sheehey is the Head of Legal Content at HelloPrenup, and an Illinois licensed attorney. She has a wealth of knowledge and experience when it comes to prenuptial agreements. Nicole has Juris Doctor from John Marshall Law School. She has a deep understanding of the legal and financial implications of prenuptial agreements, and enjoys writing and collaborating with other attorneys on the nuances of the law. Nicole is passionate about helping couples locate the information they need when it comes to prenuptial agreements. You can reach Nicole here: Nicole@Helloprenup.com
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