The newlywed stereotype hasn’t changed much over the last few decades, but we’re here to dispel all the myths and give you the truth about being a newlywed.
Myth #1: The first year is the hardest or easiest
SPOILER ALERT: The first year isn’t necessarily the hardest. Sure, maybe for some, but that’s not a blanket rule for everyone. Plus, some people actually think the first year is the easiest. Let’s discuss:
What are the reasons people believe the first year is the easiest? You’re both still in the peak lovey-dovey phase and quicker to let things go. No kids = no stress. Need we say more? All there is to worry about is each other’s happiness. And there is generally less responsibility. Early in the marriage, there are fewer responsibilities. There is typically no mortgage yet, no children, no high-stress job, etc.
Reasons people believe the first year is the HARDEST? It’s a transition period. Transitioning from being an individual to a couple is extremely difficult. You’re also living together for the first time. Living with a partner is new, with a steep learning curve. You’ll discover many new things about your partner, and that can make it difficult to transition to a couple.
Why is this myth harmful?
- Invalidates couples’ feelings: Labeling this year as the easiest or the hardest invalidates the work that newlyweds engage in to build their relationship foundation.
- Stress: These assumptions and stereotypes can also be harmful. Assuming this year is the “hardest” can create unnecessary stress. For example, if one couple finds the year to be super easy, but everyone tells them it should be hard, they may feel like they’re doing something wrong.
- Arrested development: Assumptions can also create barriers or learned helplessness. For example, individuals may be less likely to work through challenges if it’s expected. This can cause harm to the relationship moving forward.
What’s the reality? Each couple has its own path, and their history determines that. Each newlywed couple experiences highs and lows. The first year’s difficulty or ease varies greatly.
Myth #2: Newlyweds have sex all the time
Reality check: they don’t. Some do! But it’s not for everyone. It’s a myth that ALL newlyweds have sex all the time.
Where did this myth come from? Marriages used to be between young adults. The average age of newlyweds in 1980 was 22.0 for women and 24.7 for men, while the average age of newlyweds in 2010 was 26.1 for women and 28.2 for men. In addition, newlyweds were historically believed to have a high level of sexual activity, given a societal bias that couples waited until marriage to consummate their relationship.
Why is this myth harmful?
- Unrealistic expectations: This creates unrealistic sexual activity expectations.
- Shame: It can shame couples not meeting a “typical” level.
- Devalues intimacy: It undervalues other methods of intimacy – emotional and physical.
- Healthy sex lives vary: Sex lives should be defined by each relationship, not by one single standard based on historical information.
What’s the reality? People typically live together before marriage. Cohabitation before marriage is much more common nowadays. The first year of marriage is often not early on in people’s relationships anymore. They may be going on year 4 or 5 together, so the “honeymoon phase” has worn off. People are also getting married older. Couples are getting married at an older age (~30 years old for men, ~28 years old for women). In addition, mature sex lives often exist before marriage, especially with the increased average age of marriage and cohabitation. A couple’s sex life is also more likely to have begun before marriage than in the past.
Myth #3: You will (and should) spend all your time together
Raise your hand if you spend every waking moment with your spouse. Bueller? Bueller?
The myth: Newlyweds should spend every moment together. If couples are spending time apart, there must be something wrong.
Impact of the myth:
- Unrealistic expectations: This myth can perpetuate unrealistic and unhealthy #couplegoals and lead to feelings of resentment, shame, and guilt.
- Poor autonomy: It decreases an individual’s autonomy, which can negatively impact the relationship.
- Poor life balance: Spending ALL your time together means you have less time for friends, family, work, hobbies, etc.
What’s the reality? A healthy relationship often includes a variety of friendships and interests. Having shared interests with your partner is beneficial, as is having individual interests. It’s helpful for partners to be open and interested in each other’s personal interests, but being authentic about what you enjoy is also crucial. The goal should be to balance shared activities with personal space/interest. A balance prevents feelings of suffocation and brings fresh experiences to the marriage.
Myth #4: There are no doubts or concerns about your relationship
“Newlyweds should be 100% all in 24/7 with not a single cloud of doubt in their mind.” *Insert buzzer noise here* Newlyweds can have doubts or concerns and still have a healthy relationship.
The myth: Newlyweds should have no doubts or concerns about their relationship. They’re naturally on the same page this early in the relationship.
Impact of the myth:
- Paints “doubt” in a negative light: This myth portrays doubts and concerns in a negative light. In reality, doubts and concerns are a natural part of any relationship and can be very beneficial when approached appropriately.
- Creates a difficult environment: This creates an environment that makes it harder to have honest and open conversations.
- Creates shame or guilt: Partners are likely to feel reluctant to share any doubts or concerns because they feel shameful or guilty, or are afraid of making their partners feel worried.
- Impacts happiness: Overall, it hampers the emotional and communication growth of a couple.
What’s the reality? Questions are ok. It is natural to have questions and concerns in a relationship at any stage, especially in transition times. Doubts ≠ bad. Doubts and concerns do not automatically translate to worst-case scenarios or beliefs (e.g., divorce).
Myth #5: What you do now sets the tone of your marriage forever
There is sometimes an assumption that a couple must “train” the other to set the relationship up for success. In other words, whatever behavioral patterns are set early on are very difficult to change. Therefore, the advice is not to “spoil” the other partner—in other words, not take on too many of the responsibilities in the relationship. Say what?!
Impact of the myth:
- Stress-inducing: The belief that whatever happens this first year is set in stone can cause undue anxiety and stress for the couple.
- It’s not one-sided: The focus is on the power of an individual to exert their influence on the relationship rather than focusing on collaborating.
- Sets you up for failure: The focus also sets a couple up for failure because it does not demonstrate the dynamic nature of a relationship, that it will change no matter what, over time.
What’s the reality? Roles and responsibilities evolve over time. The first years involve both highs and lows. A lasting, happy marriage requires adaptability and communication.
Myth #6: Newlyweds should have it all figured out
Does anyone, anywhere, at any age, truly have it all figured out? We think not.
Myth: Married couples should have all aspects of life figured out immediately. For example, you should be perfectly aligned on all life goals, finances, and relationship issues.
Why this myth is harmful:
- Minimizes exploration: Decreases the space for healthy exploration and conversations. For example, one person may feel there’s no room to change their mind or have hard conversations because “they should have it figured out by now.”
- Shame: Increase feelings of shame, jealousy, guilt, and frustration. For example, if the couple is not quite on the same page about when to have children yet, that’s okay; there’s time to figure it out, and it doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed.
What’s the reality? Marriage is a continuous journey of learning and growing together. It is totally normal not to have everything figured out right away. Effective communication, patience, and teamwork are key.
Myth #7: Newlyweds shouldn’t have serious fights
“Newlyweds shouldn’t fight! You should be perfectly in love like me and Bob were back in 1950.” – Said some lady who had a terrible marriage where she bottled up all of her feelings for the sake of not fighting.
Myth: Serious arguments should not occur early in marriage; it’s a sign of trouble if they do.
Why this myth is harmful:
- Disagreements can be healthy: It decreases the chance of disagreements, which is a healthy and effective tool for growth (when done properly!).
- Arguments ≠ bad: Equating arguments with negative outcomes in a relationship can skew a couple’s view, making it more likely they engage in behaviors like avoidance or denial. These behaviors are detrimental to a relationship’s foundation.
What’s the reality? Disagreements and conflicts are natural in any relationship. The key is handling arguments constructively. Learning effective communication, understanding perspectives, and resolving conflicts healthily. Early disagreements can strengthen the relationship if they lead to better communication and understanding.
The bottom line on newlywed myths
Breaking down these myths can help newlyweds navigate their first years of marriage in a more realistic (and healthy) way! Every couple’s experience is unique, and for some, there may be a kernel of truth to the myth(s), but they shouldn’t be taken at face value. There is not a one-size-fits-all approach to marriage, so focus on building a strong foundation based on mutual respect, open communication, and shared values, and enjoy your newlywed years.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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