Do you want one kid or five kids? If your partner wants one and you want five, you might find yourself in a bit of a predicament. What happens when the disagreement isn’t about having kids, and how many? Can a relationship work if one person wants only one child while the other wants two or more? Let’s explore this further to help you answer that for yourselves.
Understand why
You can’t solve a problem without understanding it. To begin the process, you must understand (really understand) what is at the root of the disagreement. So, before you do anything else, take the time to understand your motivation and drivers for your ideal family size. Why do I want more than one kiddo? Questions to ask yourself:
- What am I hoping two (or more) kids will bring to my life and to our family’s life?
- How does my family of origin/childhood influence my desire?
- Is my ideal family size the same or different from my upbringing? Why or why not?
- Who in my life will support me with my choice? Why?
- Who will disagree with my choice? Why?
- What are my fears or concerns with having one child?
- What are my fears or concerns with having more than one child?
- How did your parents or parental figures influence your views on family size?
- How do your current relationships with your parents affect your views on parenting?
- Do you feel any societal pressures to have a certain number of kids?
This only works if you’re truly honest with yourself. Personal clarity allows you to approach a discussion with your partner more easily—you can clearly communicate your thoughts and feelings, making the conversation more likely to be beneficial.
Be honest and be kind to each other
These are not easy conversations. As you explore your personal reasons for a specific number of kids, you’ll likely notice that many of the reasons are tied to emotions and personal life experiences. They’re neither right nor wrong, but they make it difficult to make a “rational” decision. Create a safe and comfortable environment where you and your partner feel heard, respected, and safe. To create the best environment necessary for deciding how many kids to have, consider the following:
- Scheduling a dedicated time
- A space free from distractions
- A comfortable space to sit
- Ensure neither of you is rushed or stressed by other commitments
- Practice active listening. Listen to understand and nothing else.
- Use “I” statements. Share your thoughts and feelings from your frame of reference. This helps decrease any judgmental and accusatory tone.
How to compromise in this situation
To make the relationship work, you’ll need to compromise. However, unlike other decisions you’ll make together as a couple, the compromise here will look different. You can’t decide to meet in the middle and have half a child. Be clear and express convictions while being open to uncertainty and potential change. Here are some points to discuss:
- Why is having a certain number of children important to each partner?
- What compromises or alternatives might be acceptable?
- Are external factors (e.g., health, finances) influencing each of your decisions?
Approach these conversations with an open mind and a strong intention to find common ground. This will help you identify areas for potential compromise. Here are a few examples from real-life couples:
- A compromise to have two children instead of three
- A compromise to wait one year’s time (to increase financial stability) and then start trying for another child
- A compromise to revisit the conversation in 6 months’ time
- A compromise would be to have another child if additional childcare support could be secured
Don’t avoid the practicalities
Practical considerations (finances, career goals, and lifestyle impacts) should be considered when making decisions about family size. Without having a conversation about these factors, it’s highly unlikely your relationship will survive. Leave no stone unturned during this time! Evaluate the following areas of your lives:
- Financial readiness: Can you afford the expenses associated with more children? Childcare costs, activities, health insurance, education?
- Career trajectories: How will having more children affect each partner’s career goals and responsibilities?
- Lifestyle choices: Do your current lifestyle preferences align with the responsibilities of raising multiple children?
Understanding these practicalities helps ground the conversation in reality, ensuring that decisions are made with a comprehensive view of the future. It also helps decrease the probability of one or both partners feeling resentful when hardships arise in the future connected to whatever decision you make.
Coming to a decision
A decision does not mean you have to decide whether you will have another child. It could be:
- A (tentative) timeline
- A decision for the immediate future
- A decision for a certain time length (e.g., waiting for 6 months)
Discussing whether you want to start trying for additional children and significant life events that may impact family planning and career goals can help create a roadmap for the future. While it’s impossible to plan everything, coming to a decision after these discussions will help provide a sense of direction. Remember to be open to revisiting and adjusting the timeline as life evolves.
Process the emotions
Whatever decision(s) you both arrive at, recognize and validate the emotional experience for you and your partner. Despite the conversations, compromises, and ending up on the same page, you may have some big emotions… loss, guilt, frustration, and sadness. How can you process those emotions? Some ideas:
- Talk about it: Discuss your emotions with trusted individuals. This can include your partner, family members, or friends.
- Write it out: Use journaling and put your thoughts and feelings on paper. If you’re new to journaling, start off slow – write for 5 minutes and answer the question, “How am I feeling today?”
- Mindfulness exercises: Meditation, breathing exercises, yoga, practicing gratitude, etc.
- Physical activity: Exercise has a powerful effect. Going for a run, bike ride, or weightlifting can help you process better.
- Self-care activities: Taking time to care for yourself–getting your nails done, taking a bath, attending an individual therapy session, watching a guilty pleasure show, etc.
Seek professional help if necessary
If you’re having difficulties processing the emotions (or just having difficulties in the process or aftermath), seek professional guidance. A couple’s therapist or marriage counselor can help provide a neutral and safe space to explore these areas further and facilitate productive conversation. What else can a therapist or counselor provide?
- Tools and techniques for effective communication, decision-making, and conflict resolution
- A neutral soundboard to help navigate the emotional journey
- A professional mediator for complex issues
- Support in finding a compromise and alignment on shared goals
Takeaways
Can a relationship work when one partner wants more children than the other? The short answer–it all depends. It depends on the work you both put into addressing the impasse openly and thoughtfully. This decision is deeply personal, so remember to be kind to yourself and your partner.
You’ll need to be honest, not only with your partner but also with yourself. You can navigate this by understanding each other’s motivations, creating a safe environment for discussions, and being open to professional guidance when needed! Ultimately, these conversations and the skills you build will help you make a decision and strengthen your relationship.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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