Ever wondered what the secret to a long marriage is? Same! The emotional health of any relationship is important to its longevity, but it’s often overlooked or neglected in daily life. Prioritizing emotional connection and vulnerability with your partner can feel daunting, no matter how close you are. It’s a skill that has to be intentionally learned and practiced. So, if you’re interested in future-proofing your relationship, let’s discuss emotional intimacy and how to strengthen it in your marriage.
The data on loneliness in marriage
Studies, such as those published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, reveal that about 20% of married individuals report feeling lonely. So, what contributes to that loneliness? Lack of emotional connection, poor communication, significant life transitions, and individual differences. Studies have also found that:
- Loneliness is particularly prevalent among older adults (~43% reporting feelings of isolation)
- Loneliness tends to be more pronounced in long-term marriages and among women.
- The impact of loneliness on marital satisfaction is correlated with decreased marital satisfaction, mental health issues, physical health problems, and an increased risk of divorce.
A brief lesson on emotional connection
To truly understand this topic, you have to understand four main concepts: loneliness, intimacy, emotional connection, and vulnerability. Here is a full breakdown of each:
- Loneliness is a subjective, distressing experience that often results from perceived isolation or inadequate meaningful connections.
- Intimacy means close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationships. All those involved in intimacy must have detailed knowledge or a deep understanding of each other.
- Emotional connection is the relationship between two or more people that indicates the degree of emotional closeness. It often refers to a deep sense of being understood, valued, and cared for. This connection is often built on shared experiences, trust, empathy, and communication.
- Vulnerability is putting yourself (figuratively or metaphorically) at risk, exposing yourself through your words and actions. This can include sharing your fears, weaknesses, and insecurities. It’s through vulnerability that an emotional connection can be built.
Why is emotional connection important in a marriage?
A strong emotional connection in your marriage is important for so many reasons! Based on personal experience in clinical work, couples who are emotionally connected are:
- Better equipped to handle conflicts and stressors (in life or the relationship)
- Can repair ruptures more effectively and quickly, a.k.a., bounce back from a fight or disagreement quickly, and end up in a better place.
- Less likely to get into arguments due to fewer misunderstandings and miscommunication.
- Experience more meaningful conversations with each other.
- Experience less loneliness and isolation
- Better able to support one another
- Increased trust within the relationship
- Better able to enjoy their time together
- Increased sexual and physical intimacy
@helloprenup You’re not bad at communication – you just might not feel safe enough to use your skills in your relationship. Most couples say they’re struggling to “communicate,” but the real issue is deeper: a lack of emotional safety. Emotional safety first. Communication skills second. #RelationshipTips #EmotionalSafety #CouplesTherapy #CommunicationInRelationships #HelloPrenup ♬ original sound – Prenuptial agreements
OK, so how do we create an emotional connection?
The key to emotional connection is simple to describe but hard to do. Think of it as a muscle you have to practice to build up its strength. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t see changes right away—because it’ll be life-changing when you do.
Focus on conversation
Sure, quality time with each other (via date nights, hobbies, or travel) can have positive effects. But the best way to build a strong(er) emotional connection is through conversation—and not just any conversation—conversations where you get real, honest, and vulnerable with each other.
Scheduling time for conversations
Schedule a consistent time for this. Don’t say, “Let’s do it this week” or “Maybe Sunday night?” Be intentional. Schedule a time for you both to sit down together to connect emotionally. Pick a day, time, and duration of time – start with something small, like 15 minutes, if you’re a little unsure.
Start with feelings
Share how you’re feeling to give each other a sense of what you’re coming into the conversation with. Knowing your partner is worried, upset, or joyful gives you a sense of how to approach them and where to focus the conversation. Not sure what you’re feeling? Check out this feeling list from the American Psychological Association.
Active listening
Fully focus on your partner during this time. Give each other your undivided attention (ahem, phone away!); don’t interrupt and listen with your whole body (e.g., eye contact, body turned towards them).
Reflections
This is a “therapist-y” move, but there’s a reason it’s used by professionals. It works. Repeat what you hear from your partner using phrases like, “I’m hearing…” “It sounds like…” Your partner will feel heard, validated, and understood. Or, if something is incorrect, it allows them to correct it and, again, feel like you’re trying to understand them.
Don’t problem-solve
Unless your partner specifically asks for it, don’t do it. Problem-solving during this time usually feels invalidating, distracting, or unwanted. The purpose of this time is for each of you to share vulnerably with each other.
Try validating in different ways
Most of us validate each other by problem-solving or sharing our experiences with something similar to what we have just heard. However, both of these tactics (while effective in most social situations) move the focus of the conversation away from the person speaking. Instead, try the next strategy below (asking questions).
Ask questions
Get curious and assume you know nothing. Ask open-ended questions to learn more. For example, a closed-ended question would be, “Did you tell your boss how you felt?” An open-ended question would be, “How did you feel when your boss did that?” or “How do you think you’d feel if you told your boss how you felt?”
Get comfortable with the uncomfortable
The flip side to asking questions is answering them. The more open, honest, and vulnerable you are, the stronger the emotional connection. If you feel a little discomfort and nervousness before answering, that’s a good sign to take the chance. The first few times, you’ll probably experience what I call a vulnerability hangover. After the conversation, you may feel a little more exhausted or worried about what you shared.
Ask what the other needs
Okay, since problem-solving and sharing “That happened to me once too…” are off the table (well, at least as your first response), what else can you do to help support each other? Ask the expert: Your partner. In moments of vulnerability or when your partner needs support, ask them, “What do you need right now?” or “How can I help right now?” At first, neither of you may know exactly how to answer the question, but with a few convos under your belt, you’ll be surprised how easily the answer comes (e.g., “Just to listen” or “To get it off my chest” or “Tell me I’m not crazy!” or “I need to think of some ways to solve it”).
Make it a game
Need a little more support? Make these conversations a game. Utilize conversation cards (e.g., We’re Not Really Strangers) to start off or spend less time thinking of questions. Utilize an amended version of 20 questions to help focus on one person before shifting gears. Heck, even have a prize for the best question or “best” response! Whatever makes it more fun and motivating.
What if this is too much for us?
Sometimes, building emotional connection and vulnerability can be challenging, especially if there are other things you’re dealing with as a couple. Consider the following if difficulties arise:
- Couples therapy: A licensed marriage therapist can support you and your partner in navigating challenges that arise and practicing these conversations.
- Workshop and seminar: Find workshops and seminars focusing on emotion identification, connection, communication, or relationship skills.
- Online resources and books: There is a wealth of supportive resources online, and books are also great—here’s a list of books focused on strengthening relationships from the New York Times.
Final thoughts on building an emotional connection
At the end of the day, nurturing emotional connection and vulnerability in your marriage is crucial for its long-term success and satisfaction. By prioritizing honest and meaningful conversations, you can get to know each other more intimately and support each other through life’s challenges and joys. Try to incorporate these strategies into your relationship. It’ll take time and effort, but the rewards – enhanced trust, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction – are worth it. Don’t be afraid to pull in other supports (couples therapy, workshops, books) as needed. Unlock this “secret” to future-proof your marriage and create a fulfilling, lasting partnership.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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