The green-eyed monster. FOMO. Green with envy. The silent rival. All ways to express the same thing–jealousy. You would be hard-pressed to find someone who hasn’t experienced jealousy in a relationship. It’s commonly accepted that jealousy is a normal part of the human experience, but not all jealousy is the same (more about that later). In addition, jealousy can make people do crazy things and can be a recipe for relationship disaster, undermining trust, communication, and intimacy. So what can you do? Learn more. Learn about the types of jealousy, how they pop up in your relationship, and real, actionable steps to take.
What is jealousy?
Jealousy is defined as: A negative emotion in which a person resents a third party for appearing to take away (or being likely to take away) the affection and attention of a loved one. Jealousy requires at least three parties: one who is jealous, a partner with whom the jealous person is or desires a relationship, and a “rival” who is a threat to the (real or imaginary) relationship. While that definition may be most apt for those in romantic relationships, jealousy can also manifest in significant relationships—with friends, coworkers, parents, etc.
So, what is the difference between jealousy and envy? The two terms are often used interchangeably in daily life, but are different. Jealousy requires three people, while envy only needs two individuals. Envy is discontentment or resentment by one person who wants the possessions, attributes, qualities, or achievements of another.
Where does it come from?
Jealousy is often defined as a social emotion and can be formed through various factors. Those sources include:
- Past Experiences: Previous romantic relationships that were tainted by cheating or dishonesty can change a person’s worldview; it can create a hypervigilance to signs of infidelity or a bias to see something neutral as harmful.
- Low Self-Esteem: When one feels low self-worth, jealousy may be more easily triggered. Feeling unworthy (or lacking love, attention, or support) can make one more likely to feel jealous when one’s partner shows attention or support to others.
- Fear of Loss: Fear of losing someone important or being abandoned can prime a person to feel jealousy more often or easily. The anxiety that arises can mess with a person’s head and make them feel that their relationship is threatened.
- Comparison: Constantly comparing yourself to others can lead to feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. Comparison can increase in certain environments (ahem, social media…)
- Possessiveness: Viewing a partner as a possession or “belonging” to each other can fuel jealousy. This mindset also fuels a strong sense of entitlement, and conflicts can occur more frequently.
How jealousy affects relationships
Recent research uncovered three types of jealousy and a tool to help determine if someone’s jealousy is healthy or not.
Cognitive Jealousy
This type of jealousy is described as a persistent doubt that plagues a person’s mind. Examples of cognitive jealousy include:
- Suspecting that a partner is secretly seeing someone
- Worried that a partner is attracted to someone else
- Thinking that a partner is developing a secret relationship
This type of jealousy is persistent and sits in the back of your mind, casting doubt and uncertainty. It can stem from insecurities and imagined scenarios and pull people into a cyclone of suspicion and mistrust.
The impact that cognitive jealousy can have on a relationship often includes:
- Increases suspiciousness, leading to arguments and miscommunication
- Increase defensiveness in the relationship, especially from the non-jealous partner
- Hinders intimacy and emotional connection
- Increased feelings of “walking on eggshells” in the relationship
- Increased unease and tension
- Increased hypervigilance or scrutiny
- Decreased sexual intimacy (leading to more worrying thoughts)
Behavioral Jealousy
This type of jealousy arises from a (normal) fear of losing a partner but also tends to have flavors of possessiveness and control.
Individuals experiencing behavioral jealousy often engage in the following:
- Looking through their partner’s things
- Calling their partners unexpectedly to check in
- Questioning their partner about their whereabouts
- Surprising their partner to see who they’re with (when caught off-guard)
These behaviors can easily veer into toxic territory, and impacts on the relationship can include:
- The other partner feels suffocated
- Violates a partner’s privacy, leading to feelings of distrust
- Decreased autonomy of the non-jealous partner
- Increased feelings of resentment
- Increased conflict about supposedly “inappropriate” behaviors
- Increased chances of emotional or physical abuse
- Fosters bitterness
*If you or anyone you know is currently experiencing domestic violence, please access the National Domestic Violence Hotline at https://www.thehotline.org/, 1-800-799-7233 OR TTY 1-800-787-3324.
Emotional Jealousy
Out of the three types of jealousy, emotional jealousy is most likely tied to a place of love and care. How do you know if you’re experiencing emotional jealousy? Well, if you find yourself upset when:
- Your partner is flirting with someone else
- When someone is trying to get close to your partner
- Your partner works closely with someone or jokes about a “work wife/husband”
- Your partner shows interest in another person
Out of the three, emotional jealousy can have positive effects (in moderation). When handled with empathy and validation, it can:
- Reaffirm commitment to each other
- Promote good communication skills
- Increased intimacy
- Increased trust
- Increase security
In excess, though, it can have negative impacts on a relationship.
How to make changes for the better
So, how do you ensure that jealousy doesn’t sink your relationship? While a lot depends on an individual’s history and the dynamics of a relationship, common strategies can help any relationship.
Here are some practical steps to manage jealousy:
Self-Reflection
Self-reflection can help manage jealousy in a relationship. Reflect on your triggers, insecurities, and past insecurities. Here’s how:
- Identify Triggers: What triggers your jealousy? When and why do these feelings arise? Are there patterns to when it occurs? A thought log can help identify jealous thoughts, feelings, and thoughts.
- Examine Insecurities: What do you feel insecure about? Deep down, do you believe you aren’t worthy of love? Or that you are worthless? While these may seem like intense insecurities, they are core beliefs that often lie under more surface worries.
- Assess Past Experiences: Take some time to examine past relationships. If you step back and look through an unbiased lens, what about those past relationships can trigger or exacerbate the current situation?
Open Communication
You’ve heard it once, and you’ll hear it again: communication is the key to most things in a relationship, and managing jealousy is no exception. Here’s how to communicate to manage jealousy:
- Express Feelings: Don’t hold in your feelings. Keeping all this within your own head is like a pressure cooker ready to blow. Identify your feelings and share them with your partner and/or other trusted support. Frame your jealousy with I statements to help your partner understand your experience without blaming or judging them.
- Active Listening: After sharing your perspective and feelings, do the same for your partner – ask about their experience, feelings, and thoughts. And listen. Don’t try to respond, explain, rationalize, or debate. Listen without interrupting and judging.
Build Trust
A huge part of managing jealousy is building trust in the relationship. Here are some tips on how to build trust:
- Be Honest: Honesty is the foundation of trust. Be truthful with your partner about your feelings and actions, even actions you may regret or be ashamed of.
- Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries and expectations to foster trust and respect in the relationship. Make clear requests of each other and be open to compromises. For example, let’s say a partner’s jealousy always arises when their partner touches a friend in a loving, non-sexual way. The request to stop doing so can be made, and the partner can decide to agree or not. She may do so with the condition that she will continue to hug friends in greetings because that’s non-negotiable.
- Focus on the Emotional Connection: Carve out intentional time to spend together. Whether it’s a date night, running errands, or deep conversations, the goal is to have quality time together. Putting that fuel in the “relationship tank” will help your relationship weather the storms because it allows you both to pull on good memories and feelings during times of uncertainty.
Strengthen Self-Esteem
Another important strategy for managing jealousy in a relationship is to strengthen your individual self-esteem. Here are some tips on how to do that:
- Focus on Strengths: Work not only on the relationship but also on yourself. Be intentional and identify your strengths and achievements. Write them down so they are easily accessible when insecurity arises.
- Practice Self-Care: Jealousy (like sadness, worry, and anger) is triggered more easily when we’re well in both mind and body. Engage in activities that promote self-care and self-improvement.
- Maintain Individuality: A healthy relationship is one where partners focus on the relationship and themselves as individuals. Re-engage and preserve your sense of self. How did you describe yourself before the relationship—as an artist, adventurer, compassionate, or scholar? Which of those do you want to still be? Find ways to re-engage and strengthen that part of your identity.
- Pursue Hobbies: Engage in activities and hobbies that bring you joy and fulfillment. This may or may not include your partner, but the goal is to expand your world to include other things that can bring you joy.
- Encourage Partner’s Independence: As you do all this, do the same for your partner. Support your partner’s interests and activities outside the relationship just as much as you support your time together.
Seek Professional Help
When in doubt–seek out help. You don’t have to do everything alone. Let the experts step in to help manage jealousy.
- Therapy: Therapy does not mean your relationship failed! It means you care enough to want to do anything you can to make it work. Individual or couples therapy can help address and manage jealousy in a safe environment. It also helps formulate specific, individualized interventions for you and your partner.
- Workshops: Attend relationship workshops or seminars to learn effective communication and conflict-resolution skills.
- Support Groups: Join support groups to connect with others facing similar challenges. Facebook and Reddit are forms of more casual online support groups, but take the advice with a grain of salt.
Conclusion on jealousy
While jealousy is a natural emotion, studies have uncovered how its nuances have far-reaching effects on relationships and individuals. Left unattended, it can fester, but proactive and reactive steps can help mend the damage. By prioritizing self-awareness, open communication, and trust-building behaviors, a couple can mitigate the impacts of jealousy.
Remember, no relationship is immune to challenges, and often, these challenges originate from a place of love and care. So, with commitment, effort, and professional support as needed, a couple can emerge stronger and equipped with skills to maintain a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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