Hop on TikTok, and you’ll likely come across a video about how to spot signs that your partner might be cheating on you. The hashtag #microcheating has over 25 million cumulative views on the platform (probably even more by now). Even the strongest relationship seems doomed to these behaviors. They are subtle, seemingly innocent acts that are the gateway to “real” cheating.
Okay, so everyone is talking about it, and now you’re beginning to wonder, “Is this something I should be worried about?!” Before you fall down a deep, dark Googling hole, let’s understand a little more about what micro-cheating is, how it tends to show up, and how to help protect your relationship.
What is micro-cheating?
Micro-cheating refers to behaviors that lead someone to question their partner’s commitment (emotional or physical) to the relationship. While these actions don’t reach the level of full-blown infidelity, they erode trust and security within the partnership and are often precursors to physical infidelity. Of note, “micro-cheating” is not a clinical term; it’s a social construct, meaning someone can’t be “diagnosed” as a micro-cheater.
Examples of micro-cheating
The list of micro-cheating behaviors runs the gamut but often involves being secretive or covert. These behaviors are likely inappropriate or hurtful to a partner if they knew about them. Here are several examples of micro-cheating:
- Flirting: Engaging in flirty conversations with someone other than your partner, whether in person, through text messages, or on social media. For example, leaving a flirty comment on someone’s IG post.
- Seeking Friendships: Trying to become friends with new people they find attractive. Often, people go out of their way to spend time with someone they find attractive under the guise of friendship.
- Getting and Keeping Contact Information: Saving someone’s contact details under a false name or secretly. For example, getting the phone number of someone you find attractive and then saving it as “John from Work” instead of their real name.
- Social Media Interactions: Liking, commenting, or frequently interacting with someone’s posts in a way that goes beyond normal friendship. Sliding into someone’s DM is a common example of this.
- Secretive Communication: Sending private messages or emails you wouldn’t share openly with your partner. This includes deleting messages to keep them private or secret.
- Downplaying a Relationship: Referring to a partner as just a “friend” to someone who could be a potential romantic interest. Outright lying or omission about your relationship status online counts here as well!
- Emotional Intimacy: Sharing intimate details about your life or relationship issues with someone other than your partner.
- Physical Affection: Engaging in physical behaviors like hugging or touching that can be seen as more than friendly.
Wait… How is micro-cheating different than cheating?
So, the answer to this question might differ depending on who you talk to. It’s subjective, which often happens with social constructs *shrug.* Generally speaking, micro-cheating differs from traditional cheating in that it doesn’t necessarily involve physical intimacy or a full-fledged emotional affair. However, that doesn’t mean that micro-cheating doesn’t emotionally and psychologically impact the relationship. Here’s how they compare:
Overlaps between micro-cheating and cheating:
- Breach of Trust: Both micro-cheating and traditional cheating involve behaviors that can betray a partner’s trust.
- Secretive Behavior: Both forms of cheating often include lying, hiding behaviors, or misleading their partner about interactions with other people.
- Emotional Damage: Both cause emotional pain and insecurity and almost certainly lead to a breakdown in communication and trust.
Differences between micro-cheating and cheating:
- Physical Intimacy: Traditional cheating usually involves physical acts of intimacy, while micro-cheating does not necessarily.
- Perception: Micro-cheating might be perceived as less severe, though this can vary widely depending on individual boundaries and values.
- Repetition: While sleeping with someone other than your partner immediately qualifies as cheating, micro-cheating is often characterized by repeated action. Not telling your partner you met up with an attractive friend once isn’t concerning. But repeatedly doing it is cause for concern.
Why do people micro-cheat?
Why do we do the things we do? The answer isn’t simple. So many things go into the equation… how we grew up, our past life experiences, our predispositions, etc. But understanding why someone does something can pave the way for change. So, whether it’s your partner or yourself, explore what’s driving or maintaining these micro-cheating behaviors to work. Finding those root causes will help prevent the erosion of your relationship or help you make changes that will actually stick.
Some examples of reasons for micro-cheating:
- Seeking Validation: We all want to feel validated, loved, and respected. Receiving attention from others can boost self-esteem and provide that sense of validation. This doesn’t necessarily mean that validation is lacking in their current relationship, but it also may be.
- Novelty: The butterflies, sweaty palms… those first feelings of attraction or connection can be like no other. A person may seek out these behaviors because it give them a shot of excitement or novelty, even if they don’t want to leave their current relationship.
- Insecurity: Insecurity about oneself or the relationship can lead someone to seek reassurance from outside sources. Whether it’s to feel more secure about themselves, their worth, or value, it often comes around to bite them in the butt.
- Lack of Boundaries: Sometimes, individuals may not have clear boundaries regarding inappropriate behavior. Misalignment or miscommunication about what is “okay” behavior can drive a person to act in a way they feel is okay but may not be okay for another person (a.k.a. their partner).
- What They Don’t Know Won’t Hurt Mentality: Some may believe they will never be caught, allowing them to excuse their behavior with an “if they don’t know, it won’t hurt them” rationale. While this may be true at the beginning, the more times the behavior occurs, the more likely it is to be discovered. It’s just a numbers game, baby.
- Unresolved Issues: Unaddressed conflicts or dissatisfaction in the relationship can sometimes lead to seeking fulfillment elsewhere. The key thing to remember is that this doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it does help to explain what is driving it.
Preventing micro-cheating in your relationship
So, how can you protect your relationship? Especially when social media can make it more likely for these behaviors to occur. Here are some strategies:
- Be Clear and Upfront: This is not the time to speak in metaphors or be afraid to be specific. Share with each other what’s unacceptable and what’s acceptable to you. And then ask them about their boundaries as well. In addition, be clear on how and when you each would bring up behaviors that make you feel uncomfortable.
- Build Trust: Trust is built through consistent, trustworthy actions. So, keep your promises, be reliable, and respect your partner’s feelings. Not too hard, right?
- Keep Dating: No matter how many years you’ve been together, don’t stop dating. No, it’s not easy, but no relationship is. Invest in spending quality time together and give yourselves the chance to make new, positive memories together. It can be big, like a trip to somewhere you both have never been, or it can be as simple as watching GoT together.
- Cut the Rot Early: I mean “rot” figuratively…In other words, don’t let small issues fester. Bring up and figure out concerns and conflicts as early as possible. Doing so will help prevent resentment and contempt from building.
- Show the Love: Don’t hold back from showing each other appreciation every. single. day. Express gratitude for the big and small things, and show it in any way that feels most authentic to you (hugs, verbal thanks, love notes). Acknowledging each other’s value can strengthen your emotional connection.
How to talk to your partner about micro-cheating
If you need to address micro-cheating behaviors with your partner, it’s important to have a constructive conversation. Choose a calm, private time to talk and share your feelings and observations without accusatory language to avoid defensiveness. Be honest and use “I” statements to express how certain behaviors make you feel. Listen to your partner’s perspective, ask questions, and avoid assumptions. Set clear boundaries by agreeing on acceptable behaviors and discussing what makes each of you uncomfortable. Seek compromises in areas of disagreement and maintain open communication to address issues early. If the conversation feels too challenging, consider seeking help from a couples therapist for mediation and support.
The bottom line on micro-cheating
Micro-cheating may feel like the newest fad on TikTok, but it’s really been around forever. It’s small, usually secretive gestures that can be precursors to real cheating. The micro-cheating trend has captured so much of our attention now because of social media, dating apps, and other technology. At the end of the day, only you and your partner can really define what is micro-cheating or cheating. So don’t shy away—set clear boundaries and focus on open communication to build or maintain a healthier, more secure relationship.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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