When Emma and Josh matched on the-app-that-won’t-be-named, they never imagined they would end up engaged and planning the next chapter of their lives together. Another unexpected twist? Emma bringing up the idea of a prenuptial agreement. “Why is she already planning for us to fail?!” Josh thought, and he couldn’t help but feel hurt and a little suspicious. It was a practical step for Emma, and she was surprised by Josh’s big emotional reaction.
Does this sound familiar to you? Have you been, or could be soon, in Emma or Josh’s shoes? Conflicts over prenups happen, but they don’t have to derail your relationship. By approaching the topics with intention and thought, you and your partner can use the process to strengthen your bond rather than weaken it. Let’s walk through some of my tips for navigating these discussions, using Emma and Josh as our guide.
Step 1: Start with empathy
Before diving into pragmatics or the legal nitty-gritty, consider where your partner is coming from. Their emotions, assumptions, and history… are all clues to understanding how or why a person responds the way they do. Often, tension regarding prenups often stems from underlying fears.
From Emma’s perspective
After 30 years of marriage, Emma’s parents unexpectedly went through a contentious divorce. The aftermath left her mother in a vulnerable financial state. For Emma, a prenup was a tool to avoid her mother’s situation, a situation she never dreamed would happen.
From Josh’s perspective
Josh grew up in a family and culture where discussing money was considered bad manners, even between partners to some extent. Given this outlook, having conversations about money felt extremely uncomfortable and akin to a lack of trust or confidence in his ability to support them and/or his character.
What to do
Does understanding that bit of each partner’s history expand your understanding of how or why they may react to a prenup the way they did? Most likely, it did! So, what do you do? Have a conversation (or a few) about understanding each other’s feelings without trying to persuade or debate.
Answer with vulnerability so your partner can better put themselves in your shoes to understand your emotional experience. Empathy is a powerful technique in building the foundation for productive discussions. You can ask questions like:
- What are you most worried about?
- How does the idea of a prenup make you feel?
- What’s the first thought that pops up when you think of a prenup?
- Does the idea of a prenup bring up past experiences you’ve had?
Example
When asked these questions, Emma may share, “I know this feels unromantic, especially since we just got engaged, but I never thought my parents would get divorced, and I never want to be in the situation my mom is in now… having a prenup will help me feel so much more secure, so I can stop worrying and just enjoy life with you.” Josh might share, “This is new territory for me; you know my family doesn’t ever talk about this stuff. I just feel like you don’t trust that I’ll do the right thing if we don’t work out.”
Step 2: Choose the right time and place
A prenup was a protective and desirable tool for Emma, so it didn’t matter much when she talked about it. On the other hand, this triggered more emotions for Josh, so the timing and environment had a significant impact. TLDR: timing matters.
Emma’s choice of time and place
Emma first brought up the idea of a prenup after a long conversation to decide on seating charts and catering menus. Coming home from a long day of work, in the nitty-gritty of wedding planning, after seeing the costs of the celebration…and… unsurprisingly, it didn’t go well.
What to do
Plan, plan, plan. Plan for your discussion (initial or subsequent) in a relaxing, private setting where you both can focus and be vulnerable. The goal is not to remove all feelings from the situation but to create an environment where each partner can experience, process, and share their feelings. For example, Josh and Emma set aside a weekend afternoon to revisit the topic in the comfort of their home. This allows them both to prepare and to know that there is less chance of being tired or stressed.
Step 3: Be (very) clear about your goals
Oftentimes, arguments about prenups happen because couples don’t know what they (or the other partner) want the agreement to accomplish. They may be unsure of themselves or have assumptions about what the other person wants. Get clear on the purpose and priorities before diving into details.
Emma’s goals:
- To ensure financial security (in a fair manner) for the worst-case scenario.
- To ensure she isn’t vulnerable if she transitions to being a caregiver at some point in their married lives.
- To feel like she had a say in collaborating on how the couple would divide things if their marriage didn’t work out.
Josh’s goals:
- Ensure they are both on the same page
- To help Emma feel more secure
- To ensure his family business, which he will likely inherit with his siblings, remains separate property or goes to his future children.
What to do
Write down what you hope a potential prenup can help you achieve. Then, prioritize your goals to help identify which are more important to you. From there, compare your lists to find areas of overlap and potential compromise. Emma and Josh agreed that the prenup provides clarity in the worst-case scenario, so there would be fewer questions or anxiety, and that was a common goal and starting point.
Step 4: Use “we” language
The way you frame your discussions can make a huge difference. Think about how you speak and what you say. Use that to emphasize your partnership.
The language Josh and Emma used
Both noticed how many times they were using “I” in their discussion, like, “I need this to protect my family,” “I don’t want to be like my mother,” or “I don’t believe this is setting us up for failure!”
What to do
Instead, pull from Step 3 and consider the common points between your goals. Be intentional with your speech, and consider framing your statements with a “we” spin. For example, instead of Josh saying, “I need the prenup to protect my family business,” he could frame it by saying, “How can we structure the prenup so it can provide clarity on what is shared between us and what stays separate so we both are on the same page and protected?” Not only did this shift it to a collaborative approach, but it also was a question to initiate conversation versus being a statement that closed off further discussion. Terms like “our future” or “our plan” help to reinforce that you’re a team!
Step 7: Break it down into digestible chunks
Prenup discussions cover various topics, information, and values, so it’s no wonder they can feel overwhelming! Do yourselves a favor, and don’t try to do it all in one go.
Emma and Josh tried to cram too much in at once
With all the big emotions that came up when Emma first brought up the idea of a prenup, the couple tried to push through everything quickly, hoping it would de-escalate the situation. Surprise, surprise, it didn’t; trying to tackle everything at once escalated the conflict.
What to do
Work backward from your goal (a completed, agreed-upon prenuptial agreement) to create a roadmap. Tackle one item at a time with a timeframe for each task. Emma and Josh started by listing all their assets and debts first, then discussing specific clauses. This step-by-step approach helped decrease their stress because they knew precisely what task and what to do.
Step 8: Validate the emotions
Now that you’re set logistically, don’t forget the other side of your brain… the emotional side! Create space to acknowledge and validate them.
For Emma
It meant admitting that this process made her feel vulnerable and anxious even though she initiated it.
For Josh
It meant sharing that he still felt highly vulnerable every time the couple spoke about money and worried that these conversations would lead to Emma becoming worried enough to call off the wedding.
What to do
Check in with each other throughout the process. Ask questions like, “How are you feeling right now?” or “You’re looking a little worried. Do you want to check in?” Also, we can validate each other’s emotional experience and provide small acts of support (e.g., a hug, date night, words of affirmation).
Step 9: Plan for the good and bad
A prenup isn’t just about preparing for the worst—it’s also an opportunity to plan for the best parts of your life together.
Emma and Josh realized a shared future goal during the prenup process
Through their discussion, they realized they both wanted to prioritize their savings for home and retire in their early 50s. Given this, they discovered parts of their wedding planning weren’t as crucial as these financial goals, so they decided to shift those funds. Including these goals in their prenup discussions helped them feel more united.
What to do
Use the prenup process as a chance to dream about your future and share them. These may be dreams or goals you have or haven’t shared, but either way, speak up! Dream together and talk about aspirations so you can both support one another.
Step 10: Know when to take a break
Emotions are guaranteed to run high occasionally during these discussions, and that’s perfectly normal. If they do, don’t be afraid to hit pause. Pushing through when you’re upset can lead to unproductive arguments.
Emma and Josh took breaks
Both agreed to call a parley (hey, Pirates of the Caribbean was one of their first dates) whenever they needed a break. This helped them avoid escalating conflicts and also validated that both partners respected each other in these moments.
What to do
If a conversation becomes too intense, step away and revisit it later. Set intentional breaks if the task or topic at hand is more triggering; for example, discuss for 20 minutes before taking a break. Be clear about how long the break will be and when you’ll reconvene to pick the discussion back up.
Step 11: Bring in a neutral third party, if needed
Despite these steps and tips, sometimes the emotions and logistics are too much to do alone (or is much easier with a third party!) A professional, like a mediator or couples therapist, can help diffuse tensions, act as a “translator,” and strategies to move forward.
Emma and Josh brought in some professional help, with no shame
The steps outlined here were helpful in Emma and Josh taking the first steps toward a more productive conversation about a prenup and, in the process, sharing more about themselves with each other. However, they both admitted that their personal feelings and histories were significant enough to support continuing these conversations (especially amid stressful wedding planning). So they decided to meet with a couples therapist to aid in complex, emotional discussions and a financial counselor who helped them map out their shared and individual financial goals.
What to do
Consider working with a mediator, therapist, lawyer, and/or financial planner who specializes in helping couples. A third party can help ensure both voices are heard, and emotions don’t overshadow practical considerations.
Final Thoughts
Navigating conflict over a prenuptial agreement isn’t easy, but it can be done! It’s also the opportunity to learn more about each other and build trust and communication. Like Emma and Josh, you can turn an initially divisive topic into a change to align and grow closer. By approaching the process with empathy, clarity, and teamwork, you’ll set the stage for a strong and fulfilling partnership.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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