Therapy is more mainstream than ever—but even with easier access and less stigma, it can still feel confusing. Do you sit on a couch? What kind of questions will they ask? Is a therapist the same as a counselor or a coach?
With all that uncertainty, it’s easy to talk yourself out of therapy—especially if nothing feels urgent. Take pre-marital counseling, for example. Who wants to dive into finances, in-laws, or what could go wrong when you’re newly engaged? But as much as we love romance, strong relationships don’t run on love alone. They’re built on shared goals, honest communication, and a deeper understanding of each other’s emotional wiring.
Pre-marital counseling helps couples build a foundation that can survive and, more importantly, thrive. In this article, we’ll walk you through what actually happens in a pre-marital counseling session—what to expect, what kinds of questions come up, and why it might be one of the best investments you make in your future together.
What is pre-marital counseling?
Pre-marital therapy is like strength training for your relationship. You’re not doing it because something’s wrong—you’re building the muscles now: communication, empathy, conflict repair. So when life gets heavy (and it will), you’re strong enough to carry it together.
The goal is to explore how each partner thinks, feels, and reacts—especially around high-impact topics like money, conflict, kids, sex, religion, and family. These aren’t just “good to talk about” topics—they’re essential conversations to make sure you’re aligned before building a life side by side.
Pre-marital counseling takes the pressure off by bringing in a trained professional to guide the process. They can spot where support is needed, when to push, and when to pull back. They’re also there to help you build insight, offer tools, and prep for the real-life moments ahead.
What can you expect in a pre-marital counseling session?
Every therapist or counselor will have their own style and approach. But in the big picture, they’ll be asking you questions to understand:
- Demographics (e.g., names, age, length of relationship)
- Goal for counseling
- Individual background (e.g., family of origin, past relationships, personality traits)
- Relationship dynamics (e.g., communication patterns, conflict resolution styles, intimacy/affection, power dynamics, roles/responsibilities)
- Values and beliefs
- Strengths (individual and as a couple)
While each therapist brings their own style, most are aiming to get a full picture of who you are—individually and as a couple—so they can help you strengthen the foundation you’re building together.
A quick note about confidentiality
Before you even begin, your counselor or therapist will explain how confidentiality works in your state and/or setting. That will include:
- What happens if one partner reaches out to share something privately
- How will they maintain neutrality in the couple’s work
- What the limits of confidentiality are (i.e., what and who they need to contact in cases of harm, abuse, court order, or suicidal concerns)
Starting with information, before any questions are asked, allows everyone to be on the same pace and to build trust and safety for everyone in the room.
Communication: How do you talk when things?
Let’s be honest, we can all be pretty good communicators when we’re not mad. But life and marriage are full of stress–decisions, kids, job changes, mortgages. So pre-marital counselors want to know: what happens when communication isn’t smooth?
You might be asked questions like:
- What do arguments typically look like between you?
- Tell me about a recent fight you both had?
- How do you know when your partner is upset with you?
- Do you tend to bring things up as they happen, or do you hold onto them?
- What helps you de-escalate after a conflict?
- How do you wish your partner would talk to you or bring things up?
- What worked well and didn’t work well (communication-wise) in past relationships? Or in other important (non-romantic) relationships?
A counselor will note and share (with you both) if you fight dirty, shut down, or get defensive. Which is good! Let it all out, because that’s the goal of pre-marital therapy. Bring these patterns to light now, so you can address them and not three years down the line with a lot more resentment built up.
Questions about finances
Money is one of the top reasons couples fight, but it’s rarely about the actual dollars. It’s about what money means to each person—security, freedom, control, status, safety. And these meanings usually stem from childhood experiences, models set by parents/caregivers, and life experiences.
Counselors may ask:
- How were finances handled in your family growing up?
- Do you consider yourself a saver, a spender, or somewhere in between?
- Are you guys planning to combine finances or keeping some things separate?
- Have you talked about financial goals—home ownership, debt, retirement?
- What does financial fairness look like to you?
- How would you each define the difference between privacy and secrecy (with finances)?
- If you found out that the other had a financial secret–past debt, family obligations, impulsive spending–how would that feel?
- How do you make financial decisions as a couple? What happens if you disagree?
This is also where prenups and estate planning might come in—sometimes not just as legal tools, but as emotional ones. A good counselor will help you both understand how these choices reflect your values and fears.
Questions about sex and intimacy
Sex can be a charged topic—not just physically, but emotionally. It’s about trust, vulnerability, safety, and desire. And even if your sex life is great now, life changes (kids, stress, health) can shift things.
Questions here might include:
- How do you define a satisfying sex life?
- What are your expectations for your sex life one, five, or ten years into the marriage?
- What makes you feel desired?
- Are there any past experiences—sexual or emotional—that affect intimacy for you?
- How does each of you respond to rejection?
- How was sex talked about in your family or culture growing up?
- How do you like sex to be initiated?
- What feels intimate to you that isn’t necessarily sexual?
- Do either of you feel pressure—spoken or unspoken—around performance, frequency, or expectations?
- What role does sex play in how you reconnect after a conflict?
- Have you talked about boundaries—what’s okay, what’s not, and how that might evolve over time?
Some counselors may also normalize the idea that desire ebbs and flows—and offer tools for staying connected even when the sexual dynamic shifts due to life stages, medication, mental health, or caregiving roles.
Questions about family and boundaries
Sorry to break it to you—you’re not just marrying each other. You’re also marrying each other’s family, best friend, and support system. That includes not only the people but also family traditions, cultural values, expectations, and (let’s be honest) all the baggage.
Expect questions like:
- How close are you to your family? How involved do you want them to be? Concerns with that (from the other partner)?
- What did boundaries look like in your family growing up?
- How might tensions with family members affect your relationship?
- What does “standing up” for each other look like? How might that come up in interactions with your family?
- How will you handle holidays, family events, and competing obligations?
- What family traditions do you want to continue with your partner?
- What do you define as a family member crossing the line? How would you want that handled?
- Any cultural or religious expectations from your family that you feel pressured to follow?
Pre-marital therapy isn’t looking to “fix” families, draw hard lines or cut people out. The goal is to build clarity and alignment between you as partners so you can find the best way to protect your relationship and still honor other loved ones in your lives.
Questions about children and parenting
Even if kids are a big question mark or aren’t on the immediate horizon, conversations about parenting are some of the most meaningful you’ll have in pre-marital counseling. It’s not only about deciding if you want kids (although that’s a big one) but also what kind of family life you each envision.
And if that idea of family includes (human) children, having the opportunity to talk about parenting, the points you agree on, and those you don’t, are priceless. It also gives you the space to talk about any blending or co-parenting situations.
Common questions include:
- Do you want kids? What happens if that changes?
- If you want kids, do you have a timeline?
- What kind of parent do you imagine yourself to be?
- What do you not want to be like as a parent?
- How did your parents discipline or guide you? What do you want to bring into your family, and what do you want to leave behind?
- How will you make decisions about kids?
- Have you talked about fertility topics or alternative paths to parenthood?
- Thoughts on gender roles in parenting?
- How do you plan on supporting your relationship while parenting?
- What values or traditions do you want to pass on to your kids?
- If you don’t have kids, what do you want life to look like?
You don’t have to have all the answers. And whatever you decide now can evolve over time. The goal is to use this space to be honest with each other and explore the idea of parenting before you’re in the thick of it.
Conflict repair and forgiveness: What happens after the fight?
So, what do you both do after a fight? Because no matter how much therapy you do before, during, or after marriage fights, ruptures, conflicts… whatever you want to call them, they will happen. So, focusing just as much (or even a little more) on how you repair afterwards is key.
Therapists are likely to explore:
- What do your arguments typically look like?
- How does a fight “end”?
- How does each person respond when they’re hurt, misunderstood or feeling dismissed?
- What does forgiveness mean to you?
- How do you give and receive apologies?
- Do either of you struggle to forgive or be forgiven?
- What’s the one unresolved fight (or rupture) that impacted your trust?
Responses here will help the therapist introduce conflict resolution tools that work best for you both. They may also uncover current conflicts (wedding planning is stressful!) and use them to practice in session to build, live, the muscle for resolution.
These questions are all starters–not a checklist
If you’re looking at all these questions and thinking, Wait, we’re going to cover all of these?! I’m going to help calm that fear. Pre-marital counseling isn’t a one-and-done, verbal quiz. It’s more of a guided conversation, with your pre-marital counselor helping you unfold what is a high priority for you both.
Most therapists won’t ask every question here; they’re more likely to start with a few key questions to see what naturally arises for you both. From there, the conversation will be organic, diving into deep emotional topics and popping up to light-hearted moments. So, given that, keep in mind how your therapist works and ask them about it. A match with your pre-marital therapist is just as important as doing the work.
Final thoughts: What to expect in pre-marital counseling
By now, you’ve gotten a pretty good sense of the kinds of questions that might come up—and how pre-marital counseling creates space to get curious about your relationship. Not just where it is now, but where you want it to go—when things are easy, and especially when they’re not.
You don’t need to walk into the first session with all the answers. But having a sense of what topics might be explored can help you show up more openly and get the most out of the experience. It’s a chance to build the tools, language, and emotional awareness that will support not just your wedding day, but the marriage that follows.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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