The dreaded “D” word—divorce. It’s a word that stirs up strong emotions, personal memories, and deeply held beliefs. So it makes sense that many conversations around divorce focus on how to predict and prevent it. We often talk about the big, obvious red flags—infidelity, constant fighting, financial tension, or slowly drifting apart. However, the quieter, more subtle warning signs often receive less attention.
According to Dr. John Gottman, one of the most respected relationship researchers in the world, the biggest predictor of divorce isn’t how often you argue—it’s how you respond to your partner’s bids for connection.
In this article, we’ll break down what bids for connection are, how they shape the emotional tone of your relationship, and why the way you respond to them (or don’t) can determine whether your relationship grows stronger or slowly disconnects. You’ll also learn how to recognize these moments in your own relationship—and what to do if the pattern has already started to slip.
What are “bids for connection,” anyway?
Think of a bid as a small emotional reach, a desire to connect. It could be something like sending a video meme, putting their hands on your back as you do dishes, or actually asking for time with you. It might even look like a complaint (You never come to bed with me anymore), but underneath is often an unspoken request.
As Gottman shares in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, bids come in all shapes and sizes. But they’re often tiny. So tiny you could miss them if you’re distracted, stressed, or not fully tuned in. But each one is a micro-moment where your partner is asking, Are we here and in it together?
The three responses: turn toward, turn away, turn against
Gottman’s research—based on observing over 3,000 couples—showed that the way people respond to bids for connection falls into three categories:
- Turn toward: The other partner acknowledges the bid in a positive or neutral way. “Oh yeah, that video was hilarious.” Or a smile or a reach back for their hand.
- Turn away: The other partner ignores or dismisses the bid. Maybe they’re on their phone and don’t respond to your meme. Or they say, “Uh-huh,” but don’t look up. It’s not hostile, just… disconnected or checked out.
- Turn against: The other partner actively pushes against the bid. They may snap or criticize with comments like, “Why are you always bugging me when I’m busy?” or “That’s not even funny. You have the worst taste in videos.”
The implications? Those who consistently turn toward each other are far more likely to stay together.
The math behind connection
One of the most striking findings from an observational study was that couples who stayed married responded to bids 86% of the time, while those who eventually divorced did so only 33% of the time. Over time, those small moments of responsiveness add up; they help each other be seen, valued, and feel emotionally safe. Without it, the foundation of a marriage is severely impacted.
Why these small moments matter so much
Do these small moments really have that big of an impact on a marriage over the years? While it may sound a little dramatic to say that something as small as responding to, “Do you see how big the moon is tonight?!” can lead to divorce, it really does matter.
Emotional safety is built in the everyday, in-between moments, not just the big events. It doesn’t come from the grand anniversary gestures, but rather all the interactions that seem a little mundane. Because consistency is what is key, and when small bids are received and responded to, that person feels seen, heard, and acknowledged, which grows and maintains trust.
Not only that, missed bids add up. When an emotional request is repeatedly ignored, dismissed, or (worst) met with criticism, the person on the other side eventually gives up. And that disconnection opens the door for resentment and contempt.
Connection is cumulative. Every positive interaction adds a bit more fuel to your relationship’s gas tank, while every missed or negative moment slowly siphons it away. This becomes especially important during life’s inevitable low points—it determines how much you have in the tank to weather those storms together.
Why it’s easy to miss bids (even in good relationships)
Even securely attached, loving partners can miss each other’s bids, especially when life gets busy. Life nowadays is full of distractions—technology, work demands, parenting responsibilities—which can make it hard to stay present in the moment. And, if that wasn’t enough, stress can make it even harder to focus. When we’re in survival mode, our brains naturally tune out lower priorities, which often include the subtle bids from those around us.
Some bids are also easy to miss because they’re disguised. Those bids that sound like sarcasm, humor, or a complaint are really a plea for connection. Perhaps the person doesn’t know exactly how to ask, maybe they’re stressed themselves, or possibly they grew up in an environment where this was the way affection was shown or connections sought.
When bids fail and resentment builds
We’ve hinted at this over the last few sections, but let’s look closer. Say your partner sighs loudly while loading the dishwasher. That sigh? It’s a bid. If you respond with, “Rough day?” you’ve turned toward them. If you ignore it, you’ve turned away. And if you snap, “Why do you always make so much noise doing dishes?” you’ve turned against.
Over time, if the response is turning away or against the bid, the partner who sighed may stop sighing—or reaching out altogether. A key reminder is that the point of this example isn’t to judge; we’re not arguing about what is the “right” response or way to try and connect. We’re just stating the actions and reactions.
This pattern can activate a thought loop. From a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) lens, these moments can reinforce core beliefs like “I don’t matter,” “I’m a burden,” or “I’ll always be alone.” When those beliefs are triggered enough times, they begin to shape how someone thinks, feels, and behaves in the relationship.
So it’s not just about the dishes. It’s about the inner narrative that builds with each failed bid, and the emotions (like resentment) that can be made from it.
What you can do to start turning toward more
This is the best part: turning toward is a skill. It’s learnable. You don’t need a perfect relationship history or hours of therapy (though that can help). Here’s where to begin:
- Start noticing bids. Increase your awareness with practice. Start small—maybe during dinner or a drive together, or set a time limit (an hour, a day) to note all the bids that may arise. Don’t worry about determining if it’s a bid or not; just note all the actions that might be one. The more you do it, the more naturally it will come.
- Respond intentionally. As you notice the bids, be intentional about responding to them. Even a slight nod, laugh, or “Tell me more” can go a long way.
- Repair when you miss it. Say it with me—I’m not perfect. Sorry, to break it to you, but even with all the best intentions, we’ll all miss bids from our loved ones. So, give yourself some grace, and be open to making repairs. Whether it’s 10 minutes later, an hour, a day, or a week later, acknowledgement and an apology are powerful. Something like, “I’m sorry I brushed you off earlier–what were you trying to tell me?”
- Get curious. Like everything else, each person has their style or preferred way to connect. Get curious about how you make bids and how your partner does; do they tend to make bids verbally? Physically through touch? Or some humor?
A bonus—the Gottman Institute offers a free card deck to explore with your partner how to practice emotional bids, share appreciation, and more. Having these kinds of open conversations helps build emotional connection and clarity. Use the skills here to continue strengthening that foundation as you navigate other important areas of your relationship, such as finances, future planning, or even creating a thoughtful, partnership-focused prenuptial agreement. These deeper conversations don’t just protect your assets; they protect your connection, too.
When bids have been missed for too long
If bids have been neglected for years, change is not something that can occur quickly, even with the best intentions and practices in place. Sometimes, more support is needed to help educate, identify, and support change.
In cases where couples still love each other and want to reconnect, but are unsure of where to start or need support, therapy can help reopen the channel to connection.
Final thoughts: Protecting your marriage through emotional bids
When it comes to preventing divorce, it’s easy to focus on the significant relationship issues—infidelity, conflict, or drifting apart. But what Gottman’s research shows us is that the most potent predictor of a relationship’s success or failure often lies in the small, everyday moments of how you respond to your partner’s bids for connection.
Whether it’s a casual question, a touch, or a quiet sigh, these are the heartbeat of a relationship. Consistently turning toward those bids builds trust, intimacy, and long-term connection. Ignoring or dismissing them, on the other hand, erodes the foundation of the relationship, reinforcing harmful beliefs and patterns over time.
The good news? This is something you can change, no matter how long you’ve been together or how far you’ve drifted. Recognizing bids, responding with intention, and making small but meaningful changes in your day-to-day interactions can reignite connection and protect your marriage from emotional disconnection and eventual divorce.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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