Think about the last time you felt truly understood by another person, where you felt not only listened to, but understood and supported. That moment when you’re like, “YES!” that person truly gets me.
It might sound simple, but empathy is one of the hardest skills to sustain in a long-term relationship—and one of the most important. Without it, even the strongest partnerships can begin to feel disconnected or even adversarial. With it, couples can weather stress and conflict while maintaining a collaborative/team feel.
In this article, we’ll explore what empathy looks like in a relationship, why some people struggle with it, how it shapes conflict and intimacy, and practical ways to strengthen it in your own partnership.
Empathy versus sympathy: why the distinction matters
We often confuse empathy with sympathy, but they’re actually not the same thing. Sympathy is a feeling for someone—pity, compassion, or concern for them and what they’re experiencing. Empathy, on the other hand, is the ability to feel with someone; connecting to their emotional experience and imagining or vicariously experiencing it from their point of view.
- Sympathy might sound like: “I’m sorry you’re going through that. That must be tough!”
- Empathy might sound like: “I can imagine how powerless you must feel right now.”
Why does this matter? Well, in a relationship, empathy can often be more powerful because sympathy may still leave your partner (or yourself) feeling alone in the experiences. Empathy allows you to communicate in a way that enables the other person to feel as if they’re not alone and that they have someone who understands and is there with them in the moment to support them.
The two types of empathy in relationships
Psychologists often break empathy down into two main forms:
- Cognitive empathy: The ability to intellectually understand what your partner is feeling or thinking. For example: “I know when you’re quiet after work, it usually means you had a draining day.”
- Emotional empathy: The felt sense of sharing in your partner’s emotion. For example: “When I see how upset you are, I feel this ache in my chest too.”
Healthy relationships usually need both. Striking a balance allows you to demonstrate that you understand and care, without becoming overwhelmed by emotions or sounding too detached by relying solely on thoughts.
The repair power of empathy
The good news? Empathy is one of the most effective ways to de-escalate conflict and repair a relationship. So, even if your first response is to defend, you can still shift to empathizing to help change the tone of the conversation.
Research from John Gottman and colleagues shows that couples who repair quickly after conflict (often through small moments of empathy, like a validating comment or a soft tone) are more likely to stay together long-term. Empathy helps to interrupt the “fight-flight” spiral and signals that you care more about the relationship than “winning” this argument.
Remember, you can be empathetic without agreeing or conceding your point of view. Saying, “I see how stressful this is for you,” is not the same as saying, “You’re stressed, so that means you’re right and I’m wrong.” All you’re saying is you’re feelings are valid, and that can reinforce that you’re both still in this together.
When empathy feels one-sided
When couples come into therapy, there is often one partner who shares, “I’m always the empathic one. They never try to understand where I’m coming from or feeling.” Without judging whether this is actually true or not, this dynamic or view of the dynamic can cause a lot of pain and breed resentment.
Sometimes, this imbalance is due to personality differences; one partner may be more emotionally attuned, while the other is more action-oriented. At other times, it’s about learned patterns. If your family of origin discouraged emotional expression, empathy may feel foreign or uncomfortable.
The solution isn’t to label one person as “the empath” and the other as “the concrete one.” Instead, it’s to explore the level of empathy required by each partner and the relationship. From that, to help each partner build their empathy muscles in a way that feels authentic to them. Maybe for one person, that means slowing down enough to listen before fixing. For the other, it may mean communicating needs clearly instead of expecting mind-reading.
Why empathy builds intimacy
Intimacy isn’t just physical closeness; it also includes emotional closeness. Empathy helps build that emotional closeness.
When you share something vulnerable and your partner responds with empathy, it strengthens the sense that you’re safe with them. Over time, those small moments build, brick by brick, a strong foundation and bond.
Think of it like this: every empathic response is a small deposit into your relationship’s “trust bank.” When hard times come, and we all know that they will in life, such as job loss, illness, or parenting stress, you have reserves of closeness to draw from. Without empathy, those reserves remain empty, and crises can erode the relationship.
Practical ways to build empathy in your relationship
If you’re panicking, don’t despair! Like any skill, empathy can be practiced and strengthened. Here are some evidence-based strategies I often teach couples:
- Practice reflective listening: When your partner shares something, reflect back what you heard before adding your perspective. “So you felt dismissed when I said that? That makes sense.”
- Ask open-ended questions: Instead of “Did you have a good day?” try, “What part of your day felt the hardest? What felt the best?” This allows you to learn more about your partner, and they’ll feel that you genuinely want to hear about their day.
- Validate feelings, even when you disagree: Validation doesn’t require agreement. You can say, “I see how that’s upsetting,” even if you’d feel differently in their shoes.
- Notice nonverbal cues: Sometimes empathy is about presence, not words. Notice their body language, volume, or tone of voice to get more information. And use your own nonverbal gestures to exude empathy— such as a soft hand on the shoulder, sustained eye contact, or sitting close — can communicate attunement.
- Share your own inner world: Empathy is a two-way street. Sharing your fears, hopes, and struggles with your partner helps them practice empathy as well.
- Take breaks when flooded: If your body is in fight-or-flight, empathy is nearly impossible. Give yourself grace; step away, calm down, then return to the conversation.
Barriers to empathy and how to address them
Even with the best intentions, empathy can be blocked, so being aware of common barriers is key. They include:
- Emotional flooding: When you’re overwhelmed by your own feelings, it’s hard to access curiosity about your partner’s.
- Resentment buildup: If hurts have gone unaddressed, empathy may feel undeserved.
- Different emotional languages: Some partners express emotions through words, while others do so through actions. For empathy to work, some translation is probably required.
- Exhaustion or stress: When you’re depleted, it’s harder to tune into someone else’s world.
Notice when those barriers are at play and address them first to pave the way for later empathy. That often involves slowing the conversation down, pressing pause, taking a moment to acknowledge feelings that are arising, or enlisting professional support to break entrenched cycles.
Empathy and self-protection: finding balance
A common misconception is that empathy means taking on all your partner’s feelings. It’s not. Healthy empathy has boundaries. If you constantly merge with your partner’s emotions, you risk burnout, codependency, or enmeshment.
The key is remembering that empathy is a tool—not every tool is meant for every situation. You can only show up fully for your partner if you have enough fuel in your own tank. As the old saying goes, you have to secure your own oxygen mask before you can help someone else with theirs.
Final thoughts: empathy is the glue of lasting relationships
So, what is empathy in a relationship? It’s the skill, and sometimes the art, of entering your partner’s emotional world and being able to understand and feel what they’re feeling. It’s what turns a simple conversation into a powerful and connective moment, can stop conflict in its tracks, and help couples remain close even when life is hard.
Empathy doesn’t mean perfect understanding. It doesn’t mean fixing everything. It means showing up—curious, open, and willing to feel alongside your partner. And when both people practice it, empathy becomes the glue that makes love last through all the messiness of being human together.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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