Despite its name, breadcrumbing has nothing to do with cooking. As more communication with potential partners migrates to the online world, people are being exposed to behaviors like breadcrumbing and the “slow fade” or “ghosting.”
While it may sound harmless, breadcrumbing can have real psychological impacts. Let’s dive in deeper to understand breadcrumbing, its impacts, why it happens, and how to address it.
So… What is breadcrumbing?
Breadcrumbing is “the act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal text messages (i.e., “breadcrumbs”) to lure a sexual partner without expending too much effort” or when a person has no intentions of taking things further, but enjoys the attention. All in all, breadcrumbs are inconsistent, mixed signals, and full of emotional ambiguity.
Given the digital era, breadcrumbs can come in various forms. Common examples include:
- Intermittent/inconsistent communication. They’re silent for days (or even weeks!), and then a random, affectionate message pops up. Things like, “Hey, I was just thinking of you!” but no real efforts to reconnect.
- Vague digital interactions. A “random” like on your Instagram? A meme or emoji sent your way? Maybe another breadcrumb is sent, but nothing really manifests after that.
- Non-commital plans and responses. There are lots of suggestions, but no actions. “We should do a trip soon” or “I miss you, let’s hang out,” but nothing ever materializes. They either go silent or when you try to nail down solid next steps, they’re evasive or stop responding. Their compliments and conversations are non-committal and generalized (e.g., “You’re amazing!”).
- Surface-level. They’re all about light, easy conversations, but any deeper conversation (especially about your relationship or the future) leads to avoidance, distancing, or distraction.
- Overcompensation. Do they love-bomb you after they disappear for days/weeks/months at a time? Zero communication to showers of text, flattery, or grand gestures? Yup, that’s breadcrumbing.
- WTF? Do you often feel confused and need clarification on what is happening or where you stand? Do their actions (almost) never align with their words? That one person talking about your future together but avoiding discussing how you take the next step is a breadcrumber.
The effects of breadcrumbing
There is a real psychological impact on people experiencing breadcrumbing. Some may try to dismiss breadcrumbing as an annoyance or inconvenience, but it can really hurt someone. One study showed that those who experienced breadcrumbing also reported less satisfaction with life, more helplessness, and self-perceived loneliness. As you can imagine, this type of behavior can cause emotional highs and lows, leading to feelings of anxiety and cognitive fatigue.
Why do people breadcrumb?
So, why does breadcrumbing occur? The behavior can be driven by:
A fear of commitment
A person may enjoy the attention and romantic banter, but committing to another person or relationship is scary. It could be a past relationship, childhood experiences, or how they view the world that drives this fear, but for whatever reason, they continue to keep the other person at arm’s length.
Insecurity
External validation and approval are not unfamiliar needs – we all benefit from them! The more insecure someone is, the more they rely on external validation and may look for it in any way possible. Breadcrumbing allows for a “hit” of confidence without too much investment.
A desire for control
This behavior puts a person in the driver’s seat – they hold the power in the relationship. By offering just enough affection or attention, they ensure the other person stays emotionally dependent. The sense of control can quell the breadcrumber’s vulnerabilities by providing a sense of power. It may also be an unconscious coping strategy to avoid rejection or hurt.
How to address breadcrumbing if it’s happening to you
If you realize you’ve been dealing with a breadcrumber, how can you break the cycle? Consider:
Honest conversations
There is no need to beat around the bush—address the situation head-on. Given the vagueness that already surrounds it, let’s not add more. Here are some ways to communicate:
- Share your feelings and perspective without assigning blame.
- Use “I” statements like “I feel confused about where we stand, and want us to talk openly about what we both want from this.”
- Point out inconsistencies and ask for clarity.
Set strong boundaries
We can only ask others to change their behaviors, and ultimately, we can only control our own actions. Set some boundaries to protect your mental health from a breadcrumber.
Here’s the how:
- Take time to identify your boundaries.
- Define what you want and will not accept.
- Share them with the other person. Also, share what you will do if they can not respect your boundaries.
Remember, boundaries aren’t about controlling the other person’s behavior—they’re about holding yourself accountable to follow through on your actions if your limits aren’t respected.
Walk away
Take an honest look at how this is impacting you—unmet emotional needs, undermined trust, feeling a loss of control… Consider the impacts and weigh them against the benefits. End communications if the cons outweigh the pros. Share why you’re walking away, and stick to it!
Final thoughts on breadcrumbing
Despite its seemingly harmless name, breadcrumbing can have significant emotional consequences. It thrives on mixed signals, inconsistency, and ambiguity, leaving the other partner or individual confused and drained. With so much communication happening through digital means, breadcrumbing has become more prevalent. With the information here, you can equip yourself with the knowledge to recognize it and address it sooner rather than later.
For those dealing with breadcrumbing, don’t be afraid to reclaim your power. Whether through honest conversations, setting boundaries, or walking away, your actions should prioritize your emotional health. Remember, a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, effort, and honesty—not on fleeting crumbs of attention. By addressing breadcrumbing head-on, you open yourself to more fulfilling and authentic connections.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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