Nothing in life is guaranteed, and marriage is no exception. It’s a journey filled with love, challenges, and growth, but sometimes, marriages can veer off course despite the best intentions. No one enters a marriage expecting it to fail, so recognizing early warning signs can empower you (and your spouse) to address issues earlier and hopefully get back on track. From my clinical experience, here are 15 signs your marriage may be in trouble and how to start addressing the issues.
1. Contempt
Contempt is one of the most toxic behaviors in a relationship and signals deeper trouble than many people realize. According to the Gottman Institute, contempt is the strongest predictor of divorce.
What is contempt? Contempt is a blend of anger and disgust, which shows up as sarcasm, mocking, name-calling, or eye-rolling. These behaviors communicate a sense of superiority and disdain and (as you can imagine) significantly erode a marriage’s foundation.
What to do: Addressing contempt requires intention and consistency; partners must replace these negative interactions with positive affirmations, genuine appreciation, and rebuilding emotional connections. Given how much impact this behavior can have on the success of a marriage, couples should strongly consider couples therapy to identify and eliminate contemptuous behaviors.
2. Chronic Lack of Communication
Open and honest dialogue is one ingredient for a strong foundation in a marriage. Therefore, a chronic lack of communication is a common indicator of trouble in a marriage. Note the keyword “chronic.” For all relationships, there may be ebbs and flows of communication between partners, and that’s normal; maybe it’s a stressful project at work or a health issue. But, if partners consistently avoid conversations, feel unheard, or engage in ineffective communication strategies, it’s a red flag.
Miscommunication and feeling unheard can breed resentment and misunderstandings, which increases the probability of further miscommunication… and the vicious cycle builds upon itself.
What to do: It’s crucial to schedule regular check-ins to discuss emotions, concerns, and goals. It can be as casual or “formal” as you want, but the goal is to set intentional time to communicate with each other.
3. Frequent Criticism
Constructive feedback is one thing; constant criticism is another. If your partner’s words leave you feeling belittled or inadequate, it erodes trust and affection.
While constructive feedback is essential for any relationship to grow, frequent criticism erodes trust and affection. Offering an observation, voicing a complaint, or requesting a behavior change can open a productive conversation. However, criticism is consistent and often belittles or makes the other partner feel inadequate. It creates a pattern of behavior between partners that increases the chances of other “bad” habits that increase the likelihood your marriage will not survive.
What to do: Practice expressing frustrations with “I” statements rather than pointing fingers. For example, “I feel frustrated and unheard every time you forget or disregard something I ask you to do” versus “Why can’t you ever remember what I’ve asked you to do? I’m the only person doing anything around here.”
3. Lack of Physical Intimacy
This is not to shame any relationship’s level of physical intimacy; it’s to highlight that a significant decrease in physical intimacy is often a sign of a more profound emotional detachment. Intimacy also includes more than just sex; it’s those moments where you hold hands, lean in for a forehead kiss, cuddle, and other affectionate gestures.
What to do: Take a moment and explore what may be encroaching on your physical intimacy level. Discuss these things with your partner, and discuss what you each need to help rebuild this aspect of your relationship.
4. Avoidance of Conflict
Avoiding arguments may seem peaceful, but unresolved issues can fester. If you’re sweeping problems under the rug, they’ll resurface later, often in more damaging ways.
What to do: Embrace healthy conflict as an opportunity to grow and strengthen your bond. Avoidance is one of the most effective strategies in conflict and anxiety-provoking situations. However, this does not mean it’s the best strategy! Avoiding arguments or disagreements with your partner may seem like a way to maintain peace, but those unresolved issues tend to pile up and fester.
5. Constant Arguing
Constant arguing, on the other hand, chips away at a marriage. I know, it seems like you just can’t win, right?! However, as with many things, the ideal zone balances the two things. Constant arguing indicates unresolved tension and can make every interaction feel combative if underlying issues are likely not being addressed.
What to do: Consider couples therapy to explore and identify common triggers for the perpetual fighting. Therapy is also a safe space to learn and practice effective (for you both!) communication and conflict-resolution skills.
6. Emotional Withdrawal
When one or both partners check out emotionally, the marriage suffers. This indifference, lack of empathy, or disengagement from shared activities can often creep in over time, making it hard to identify and protect your marriage.
What to do: Be vigilant and consistently check in on your emotional connection with your partner. When you notice some emotional distance, reconnect with each other through strategies like these.
7. Financial Secrecy
Money disagreements are a leading cause of strain on a marriage, but financial secrecy has an even more significant impact. Secretive behavior around finances—such as hiding purchases or debts—breeds mistrust.
What to do: Create a transparent financial plan (e.g., work with a financial planner, create a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement) and discuss spending habits openly and consistently, which is vital to building trust.
8. Infidelity
Infidelity, whether emotional or physical, has devastating consequences on a marriage. While many couples can recover, the broken trust may take longer. If the impacts of infidelity are not addressed or if infidelity occurs multiple times, there is a high chance a marriage may not survive.
What to do: Seeking therapy in this circumstance is highly recommended. Sessions would focus on rebuilding trust, developing communication strategies, identifying the underlying issues in the relationship, and moving forward (if both partners remain committed to the relationship).
9. Lack of Shared Goals
A marriage is a balancing act of remaining individuals and melding your lives into a joint journey. While it is essential to have goals as individuals (and to support each other in those goals), it is just as important to have shared goals. A lack of these shared goals can create friction that can exponentially increase if it goes unchecked. For example, couples who don’t align on key values and goals (children, career ambition, retirement plans) will begin to struggle.
What to do: Take the time to explore what truly matters to you as individuals and as a couple. Tools like value card sorts can help you clarify your priorities. Share your values and discuss how they align or diverge. From there, determine ways to support each other’s aspirations while identifying shared goals that can guide your relationship forward.
10. Feeling Like Roommates
If you feel more like roommates than romantic partners, that’s a warning sign you shouldn’t ignore! It’s natural for a couple’s spark to feel different in different stages of life. Still, if that spark has faded entirely and logistics and chores dominate your interactions, then that is a different story—this forces romance (in whatever form) to take a back seat.
What to do: Prioritize igniting that spark! Be intentional about the quality and frequency of your time together. Need some ideas? Try these conversation starters.
11. (Negative) Family or Friend Interference
A support system of family and friends is a priceless resource. However, if not managed correctly, this same resource can become a source of stress and conflict. More specifically, when friends or family interfere in the relationship, it can create tension and undermine the marriage. If you notice that many decisions in your marriage are influenced by other individuals, and/or those influences often factor into disagreement, it’s time to make a change before it’s too late.
What to do: Set boundaries together and maintain a united front. Prioritize your partner over external parties!
12. Different Conflict Styles
We all process information and respond to conflict in individualized ways. Some people like to face things head-on, while others may avoid conflict or address it more passively. Different ways of handling conflict can set couples at a disadvantage by increasing misunderstandings and frustration levels. Now, having different styles of handling conflict does not mean a marriage will end; it does mean the likelihood increases if both partners do not intentionally monitor it.
What to do: Learn about each other’s communication preferences and collaborate on a middle ground. Be clear and work through several examples to be sure you’re both on the same page.
13. Addictions or Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Unhealthy coping strategies, such as substance abuse or gambling, can strain a marriage beyond repair. These behaviors affect trust and emotional safety and increase other stressors in your lives (e.g., finances and impact on children).
What to do: Given the significant impact on a marriage and an individual’s health, professional health is highly recommended. Therapeutic services (such as individual therapists and rehab centers) to aid in recovery are likely the first steps, and services to help repair the marriage can occur when appropriate.
14. Increasing Resentment
Resentment builds when grievances go unaddressed. If you’re holding onto past hurts, it creates a barrier to intimacy and connection.
What to do: Practice forgiveness and openly discuss lingering pain points. When grievances are left unaddressed, resentment can begin to build. What started as a small trickle can quickly grow into a powerful river of emotions that floods the marriage. Holding on to these past hurts and being unable to resolve the situations can create barriers to intimacy and connection.
15. Uneven Partnership
Marriage requires balance and teamwork. So, unequal partnerships, whether they start off that way or grow into it, can often lead to frustration and burnout. When one partner consistently feels overburdened, it paves the way for emotional disconnection, resentment, and contempt to enter the marriage.
What to do: Pause and reassess both partners’ responsibilities and contributions and reorganize so both partners feel supported and valued. Be sure to value each person’s contributions – financially, emotionally, caregiving, and support. Identify and openly collaborate on how each partner can be validated – through words of affirmation and time to recharge are a few ideas.
Final Thoughts
The 15 signs outlined here are not just warning signals but calls to action. If one or more of these signs are present, it doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. However, left unaddressed, these issues can create a cascade of problems that will likely lead to the end of a marriage.
The good news? Recognizing these signs early offers an opportunity to intervene and make changes. Whether improving communication, rebuilding trust, or seeking professional support, addressing these challenges head-on can make a difference. Marriage requires consistent effort and mutual commitment, and neglecting these critical areas can pave the way for disconnection and eventual separation. Many couples can and do turn things around with awareness and intentional action and create a stronger, healthier partnership.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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