Being in a marriage or committed relationship takes work. It’s not always easy, and sometimes, no matter what either partner does, it just doesn’t work. One of the most challenging decisions you may have to make as a couple is when it’s time to end the relationship.
Overall, the American public is pretty torn about when this should happen and how well we do it. The Pew Research Center found that 55% of Americans believe couples who are unhappy tend to stay in marriages for too long, and women were more likely than men to think this (58% vs. 52%). In this article, we’ll guide you and your partner through a few key phases of this difficult journey.
How do I know when it’s time to break up?
It’s hard to know when it’s time to call it quits in a relationship, whether it’s been 1 year or 10. Here are some signs that it’s time to consider a different path:
- Constant conflict: Disagreements are a part of life, and when they escalate into frequent, intense arguments, they may indicate more profound issues. If you both can stop arguing, no matter what you try, take it as a sign.
- Lack of or broken trust: If your relational trust has been severely damaged or eroded, it can be challenging or even impossible to rebuild. And you can’t move forward without a foundation of trust.
- Contempt: Feeling emotionally disconnected or distant from your partner occurs in a relationship sometimes. Still, when it happens more often than not, it can lead to frequent feelings of contempt for one another.
- Different life goals: If you notice your life goals or values are diverging to the point that it’s causing significant tension, it may be time to pause and reassess. If your goals for each other and yourselves are too different, it can be challenging to envision a shared future.
- Repeated betrayal: If infidelity or other forms of betrayal have occurred repeatedly, then the emotional impact can have devastating consequences.
- Overwhelming unhappiness: If you’re unhappy most of the time and your marriage is the core, or one of the core, reason(s), it’s time to reevaluate. That unhappiness will likely impact other areas of your life, too.
How do I make the decision to end my relationship?!
How do you make such a big decision? Especially if there are other people in your life that this decision impacts (your current spouse, children, or other family members). Here are some tips to try to help make the decision:
- Self-reflection: In all the craziness, it might be hard, but carve out time for yourself. Time to think about your feelings, needs, values, and wishes. Don’t judge yourself, and be brutally honest.
- Talk: Speak with your partner. Talk with trusted friends or family. Or maybe call up a professional therapist. Take the time to share all your concerns and thoughts to decrease any future regrets.
- Imagine the future: Hack a relaxation technique called guided imagery and imagine yourself five years from now. If you’re happy and healthy, how do you imagine your life? Who is there? If you’d like a more cognitive technique, try writing down things you’d like your life to include in 5 years. Do these things help guide you towards or away from your marriage?
- Lean on others: You don’t have to do it alone. Lean on others in whatever way you need. Utilize their life experiences to help guide you or lean on them for emotional support. Seek support, such as a therapist, if you need a professional’s guidance.
- Couples therapy: If you haven’t done so already, consider couples therapy. It can help provide a safe and neutral space to discuss current barriers and how to move forward—together or separately.
- Legal support: If you’re considering a separation or divorce, get legal advice from an attorney to fully understand your options and rights.
How to process the emotional impact of breaking up
Don’t underestimate the emotional impact of any change of this magnitude. Try a few of these strategies to process the emotional experience:
- Identify your feelings: Understanding them makes it easier to address them. We all respond differently to life—figure out how you’re responding.
- Grieve: Ending a relationship always involves loss. Even if you initiated or agreed to the decision, you have the right to be sad, angry, relieved… all the feelings.
- Take care of yourself: What do you need right now? It may be something to nurture your body, mind, or soul. Try not to feel guilty about taking time for yourself.
- Protect yourself: You’re dealing with a lot, and during this time, you may need to be more explicit about your boundaries. Set clear boundaries with your partner, family, and friends so that you have the space to process and heal.
- Look ahead, not behind. There is power in looking at our past to better understand ourselves. However, continually examining all the paths not taken or questioning past decisions can be detrimental. Don’t let this consume you.
- Forgive. Mostly yourself. Not holding on to self-blame can help you process the major emotional impact in a more effective manner.
- Practice gratitude. Specifically, focus on what you gained from the relationship, even if it’s ending: the meaningful times together and the opportunities for growth as a person.
Emotions will likely come and go and be intense when you least expect them. Don’t rush the process or hold yourself to anyone’s expectations.
The bottom line on when to call it quits
This decision is never easy, and no one can be 100% sure. But there are times when ending a marriage is the healthiest choice for both parties involved. By recognizing the signs, you and your partner can focus on how to end the relationship with care, compassion, and respect. It will still be an emotionally trying process, but both individuals can emerge from the experience stronger. Remember, you don’t have to do this alone. Seek the proper support to help you find the right path forward.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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