In vitro fertilization (IVF) has offered a pathway to parenthood for many couples struggling with infertility. While the medical aspects of IVF are often discussed, the psychological and emotional challenges it presents can be equally significant. Understanding and managing these aspects is vital for maintaining mental well-being during this stressful journey. This guide provides insights and strategies to help you navigate the emotional landscape of IVF.
Step 1: Be selective with your mental health tools
This is a guide. It has general strategies, so look through and select the tools that will work well for you. How do you do that? Reflect and examine yourself. Some things to ask yourself:
- How do I deal with stress?
- What makes me feel instantly comforted or safe?
- When I’m sad, what do I do?
- Who’s the first person I turn to with good news? Bad news?
- How do I deal with disappointment?
- Are there things I want to change… like what I do when I’m nervous?
- When I’m worried or anxious, what makes me freak out more? What calms me?
Pro Tip: If these questions are hard to answer, think of a specific event or the last time you felt [stressed/sad/disappointed] and then explore what you did in that situation.
Step 2: Learn about IVF as much as you can
Learn as much as you can before you start the process. IVF is a process. And knowledge is your friend. Equipping yourself with information can help you prepare emotionally, physically, and financially. That preparation helps decrease worries and fears by removing some of the unknown. It also helps prepare you for a realistic view of the process (and timeline), protecting you from avoidable disappointment.
Pro Tip: If information overwhelms you, notice when it’s doing more harm than good. Set boundaries—only get information from medical teams and reputable sources, only research for one hour a day, or ask a partner or trusted person to research and share highlights. Credible resources to learn more: CDC, NIH, Resolve, Infertility Unfiltered, Fertility Forum
Step 3: Build your support network
Building your support network to ensure you have a safety net of people around you when things get tough is crucial. Here’s how you can do that:
Identify Trusted People
Who are your people? Who can you turn to in times of need? It is critical to identify those individuals at the beginning and throughout your IVF journey. Remember, trusted individuals include not only your family and friends but also a therapist, coach, clergy member, or support group member.
Identify Gaps
Many of our support networks need a boost during a time of unprecedented loneliness. Where do you feel you need more support? Identify those needs and begin to bridge those gaps.
For example, do you feel disconnected from your family but know they can be a strong support? Begin involving them in the process – ask them to learn about infertility/IVF and share what you’d like their support with.
Ask Them For What You Need
People are not mindreaders. To ensure people support you (and not make you more stressed out), be specific about what you need. Yes, you will often not know what you need, and that’s okay.
Need ideas? Try:
- Make requests specific. “Will you watch a movie with me to help keep my mind off things? I don’t want to talk about anything IVF-related.” Or, “Can you help me find support groups? Let’s list groups so I can figure out which ones to try.”
- Ask people not to do things. For example, “It really stresses me out to talk about IVF, can we make sure not to talk about it today?”
- Create a shared journey blog or document to update your inner circle so they don’t have to ask. Add asks here.
Share Your Story
Hearing other people’s stories and journeys is powerful, as is sharing your own. Sharing your story with others allows them to better understand what you’re going through. The more they know, the better they can help you.
Pro Tip: While vulnerability can open doors, check in regularly with what feels safe. Feel free to be selective about who you share your story with and how you share it.
Step 4: Process your feelings
Your emotions will be all over the place, and rightfully so. Take the time to understand and recognize your feelings. Then, use these strategies to cope with them.
Be Open + Honest With Your Partner
If you’re doing this with a partner, work to make them a primary player. The first step is to accept that they will never fully understand what you’re going through. But they can understand and share the grief, worry, frustration, and (hopefully) happiness.
Strengthen your emotional connection. Share your feelings and thoughts—the good and the bad. Ask your partner about their experience. Check in regularly about how you each want to support each other. Carve out time to be with one another (even 15 minutes) and minimize anything IVF-related. Resources: Emotional connection guide
Let Yourself Grieve
Grief is a part of every IVF journey. Whether it’s the grief of needing any sort of assisted reproductive treatment and getting your PGT results back and not having any healthy embryos, grief is present. Grief itself is not the enemy; it’s how humans approach grief. For some, grief is avoided at all costs, and it remains and festers. For others, grief becomes consuming and makes it impossible to move forward in any way. It’s easier said than done, but find ways to prioritize the grief process. After lousy news, allow yourself the space to experience your feelings. Take advantage of grieving strategies; don’t be afraid to utilize professional support.
Resources: 5 Stages of Grief, Tools to Deal With Grief (APA), Anger in Grief, Coping with Grief
Explore Various Strategies
Talking isn’t the only way to process your emotions. Try other ways like:
- Journaling
- Mood tracking
- Making art
Resources: American Art Therapy Association, APA, Choosing the Right CBT App
Navigating with Therapy
You’re not alone. A therapist can provide what you need at various times in the journey. Early on, it may be clarification of terms or managing early anxiety, and later on, it may be processing grief and making decisions. For many who don’t feel comfortable leaning heavily on family or friends or are navigating significant anxiety or depression, therapy is a beneficial option. Another great thing? You and your therapist can decide how long or how many sessions are helpful. Check out the links to learn which therapy might be best for you. Resources: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
Step 5: Find your power
It can be empowering to be…well…empowered. “Finding your power” means controlling what you can (i.e., your power), accepting what you cannot control, and reframing your mindset.
Control What You Can Control
With so many things out of your control, focus on what you can control. For example, you can’t control how many eggs you’ll have, but you can control how closely you stick to your medical/hormone treatments. You can’t control the worry you experience, but you can try to put a time limit on it. Each time you feel your control has been taken away, identify another you can control:
- What you do with your day (i.e., activities)
- How you want to express your feelings
- Who you want to be with
- What legal boundaries you want to put in place, such as embryo disposition agreements
Pro Tip: Beware of the tendency to overcompensate and become too controlling in other areas of your life. We want this to feel empowering, not to create new sources of stress!
Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance is often used in DBT and is a powerful way to manage painful situations and emotions outside of our control. The idea is to fully acknowledge and embrace the present (with all the good and bad) without trying to change or control it.
Radical acceptance is not “giving up” or ignoring the situation; it is allowing yourself to accept and make peace that there are things in this world that can not be changed. Whether that be current situations, past events, or other people’s actions. Mindfulness is an integral part of practicing radical acceptance.
Pro Tip: Radical acceptance is not always the right tool. In certain situations, radical acceptance can be harmful; this includes but is not limited to dangerous relationships, harassment, a toxic workplace environment, and other situations where your safety is being compromised.
Resources: Radical Acceptance exercise, Body Scan mindfulness exercise, Radical Acceptance book.
Reframing Your Mind
Cognitive reframing is another therapy tool that can help keep your mental health intact. The underlying premise is that our behaviors, actions, and experiences/outcomes are connected; therefore, negative thoughts can lead to negative feelings and behaviors, and positive thoughts can lead to positive emotions and consequences. Reframing lets us re-interpret our experience in a more positive and, hopefully, productive way. Resources: American Family Physician, CBT manual
Step 6: Prioritize yourself
This could have fallen under the previous heading, but it’s one of the most important (and therefore most challenging) tasks… so we felt it deserved its own section.
Prioritize yourself and your mental and physical health. For example, let’s say a friend is having a baby shower and has invited you. You’re overjoyed for your friend but know that being in a situation where all the discussion will focus on babies and motherhood triggers you. It’s okay to say no. Politely declining a baby shower does not make you a bad friend. Your friend will likely understand; if she or others don’t, that is for them to resolve.
This journey is painful enough without adding more. Boundaries to protect yourself are crucial. Don’t forget to lean into your support network to help you do this, too! Resources: A Guide to Setting Better Boundaries, Fertility Road, Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship
Final thoughts on staying strong through IVF
Navigating the emotional challenges of IVF is an intensely personal journey that requires thoughtful preparation, resilience, and support. By equipping yourself with knowledge, building a solid support network, and employing strategies like radical acceptance and cognitive reframing, you can better manage the stresses and emotions that arise. Remember, it’s crucial to prioritize your mental and physical well-being throughout the process, leaning on professional support and setting boundaries as needed. Your journey is unique, and caring for yourself will help you stay as strong as possible, regardless of the outcome.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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