Did you know 85% of office affairs start at a work party? Not surprising!
What is it with office affairs? Why do affairs frequently occur within the workplace? Maybe it has something to do with the sheer amount of time we spend with our coworkers. Whatever the reason, office affairs are so common, and there’s no denying it. (Hello, Pam and Jim from The Office).
Let’s delve into why office affairs are so common, the potential consequences of workplace relationships, and how to handle these situations if you find yourself in one.
The psychology behind office affairs
Why do office affairs happen, you ask? Well, they aren’t just about bad judgment; there are several psychological factors that may play a significant role:
- Proximity and Shared Experiences: Spending significant time with colleagues builds familiarity and a sense of connection, which can sometimes evolve into attraction. (Probably why 85% of work affairs start at a company party).
- The “Snowball Effect”: Repeated exposure, even to someone you initially find mildly appealing, can intensify feelings over time. For example, think about how Pam and Jim saw each other every. single. day. Eventually, they just grew on each other.
- Forbidden Fruit Syndrome: The thrill of secrecy and breaking workplace norms can be enticing for some, fueling the affair’s excitement. Unfortunately, people want what they can’t have.
- Convenience: The office provides readily available opportunities for individuals already prone to infidelity, especially due to the amount of time spent with colleagues. For example, company holiday parties or work trips may provide the perfect convenience for an affair.
The heavy toll on careers and relationships
The consequences of an office affair are dire, and no, it’s not just the original relationship that suffers. Office affairs incur serious damage, both professionally and personally. For example, your professional reputation can be damaged, and you could even be fired. Here are all of the potential consequences that can occur in your professional and personal life:
Professional Fallout:
People seem to forget that having a workplace affair does more than just damage your marriage. It also has professional impacts, such as damaging your reputation, creating tension, getting fired, or even being accused of sexual harassment. See more below:
- Damaged Reputation: Gossip and resentment can undermine career advancement and professional standing. If word gets out that there was an affair, it’s hard to live it down at the office. It will definitely be on people’s minds for some time.
- Tension and Conflict: The affair can disrupt teamwork and erode trust among colleagues. For example, if you are working on a project with the person you’re having an affair with, and things get called off, it could lead to conflict.
- Policy Violations: The affair could lead to job loss or legal complications depending on company rules. Some companies actually have HR policies against inter-office dating. Make sure you check with your policies to understand what the consequences could be.
- Sexual Harassment Risk: Misunderstandings or power imbalances can escalate into accusations with lasting effects. For instance, if you have a work affair with someone lower than you in the company hierarchy, it could potentially be questioned what the intent behind the affair was on both sides.
Personal Consequences
Then, of course, there are the personal consequences, but it touches on more than just your marriage. The people around you can be affected. Yes, your parents, friends, sister in laws, and neighbors can all feel the effect of your affair.
- Broken Trust: Betrayal can sometimes irreparably damage the original relationship. This is not to say that all marriages are ruined after a workplace affair, but it takes a lot of work to bounce back. It will cost both parties plenty of emotions and stress to deal with the consequences.
- Wider Fallout: Friends, family, and even children may experience the pain of the affair. For example, children of the marriage may be collateral damage in this issue and feel personally afflicted by their parent cheating on their other parent. Another example may be a sibling if the sibling is very close to the spouse who was cheated on. It may cause a rift in that relationship as well.
- Emotional Toll: Cheaters can face guilt, shame, and potentially long-term mental health impacts. In addition, the party cheated on can also face some intense emotions, such as betrayal. Not only the couple themselves, but those around them, such as the children also are afflicted by lots of different emotions.
What to do if your partner is having a workplace affair
If you’ve reached the conclusion (and you’re sure) that your partner is having an office affair, we know that this news is devastating, and we’re sorry. All hope is not lost. Here’s a path toward healing and clarity:
Communicate Honestly:
If you feel that you’re being cheated on, it’s time to dust off your communication skills. Be open, vulnerable, and honest with how you’re feeling. You have a right to feel what you’re feeling, but there are some ways to go about this convo:
- Choose the Right Time: Pick a calm moment where you can express yourself fully. For example, talking right after a big fight with the in-laws on a separate topic may not be the best time to bring it up. Or after a rough day of work. Perhaps choose a time when you have no upcoming deadlines or events, and you can have a calm conversation with no distractions.
- Express Your Feelings: Share your hurt, anger, and any other emotions you’re experiencing. Bare it all. Don’t hold back. Now is the time to ensure you are heard. Your feelings ARE valid.
- Seek Answers: Ask questions that will help you understand and begin the healing process. While this may be tough, it is important to get your questions answered so you can move on. Only ask the questions that you think will help you process, though try to avoid hurting yourself more by not asking unnecessary questions.
Set Clear Boundaries:
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. You hear this buzzword all the time, and for good reason! Setting clear boundaries with a spouse who has cheated is incredibly important to the healing process.
- Protect Yourself: Outline what interactions (if any) are acceptable between your partner and the person they cheated with. For instance, are work happy hours off the table now that you know the affair started during one?
- Consider Workplace Changes: Discuss if a job change, even temporarily, is necessary for your healing. This is one way to battle the distrust that you may still have lingering after learning of an office affair. And, no, it’s not selfish to request a workplace change if that is what will make you feel better for the time being.
- Define the Relationship’s Future: Clearly state if you intend to stay, leave, or are undecided. Be honest with yourself about what you truly want. And if you aren’t sure just yet, that’s okay, too. Just let them know that you’re still on the fence.
Prioritize Support and Yourself:
Put yourself first and try to lean on your network. Whether that’s a therapist, a couple’s therapist, friends, or family, now’s the time to lean on others. And don’t forget about focusing on yourself.
- Seek Therapy: Strongly consider couples’ counseling for improved communication or individual therapy to process your emotions and make informed decisions. This is a tough obstacle to tackle, and there’s no shame in seeking help. It may also be wise to speak with an individual therapist to help work through any intense emotions.
- Spend time with Friends and Family: Prioritize time away from your partner and spend time with those around you that make you happy. For instance, take a weekend getaway with your BFFs or spend a week at your parent’s home. Whatever makes you feel whole again.
- Personal Growth: Invest in yourself through hobbies, learning new things, or connecting with supportive friends. This builds strength and resilience. For instance, if you’ve been meaning to get that yoga teacher certificate for years–go ahead and do it now! It’ll give you something else to focus on and make you feel great about yourself.
Final thoughts on office affairs
In conclusion, office affairs and workplace relationships can be complicated and damaging to many different areas of life. From your professional reputation to your children’s emotions to losing your marriage. If you have been cheated on and your partner is having a workplace affair, make sure to prioritize healing. By setting clear boundaries and seeking professional help, individuals can navigate these situations in a professional and healthy manner.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about office affairs
We understand that this is a sensitive topic, so here is some more information on office affairs and your relationship:
Q: Are workplace affairs ever acceptable?
A: In our opinion, no “affair” is acceptable, regardless of whether or not it took place within a workplace.
Q: What should I do if one of my coworkers is having an office affair?
A: This is a personal decision. It depends on your relationship with your coworker, your status at the company, how comfortable you feel with your supervisor, and other things. At the end of the day, if the office affair is affecting YOUR life negatively, it may be worth considering.
Q: Do most companies have anti-workplace relationship policies in place?
A: It’s unclear what most companies do, but there are many companies out there that prohibit any romantic relationships between coworkers, and the punishment is typically the termination of one or both people. You’ll need to check out your company’s HR handbook to see if your company has a policy on this matter.
Q: Do most affairs start as friends?
A: According to an expert, Dr. Liz Hale, yes, affairs often start out as friendships. These can be friendships outside of the workplace or in the workplace. They can become emotional or full-blown physical affairs.
Q: What percent of affairs are between coworkers?
A: According to techreport.com, a staggering 60% of emotional affairs begin with coworkers. As we stated in the article, this commonly occurs due to repeated exposure to the same person and the element of convenience.
David F Khalili is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, board-certified sexologist, author of Mental Health Workbook for Men, founder of Rouse Relational Wellness, a boutique sex and relationship therapy center serving San Francisco and all of California, and recently started Rouse Academy, an online learning platform to address sex and anxiety.
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