Clear and compassionate communication is a game-changer when discussing a postnuptial agreement with your partner. Many couples find the topic daunting and are unsure how to approach these discussions, but it can become an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with the right approach.
1. Choose the right time and place
Timing and setting matter. Bringing up a postnup during a heated argument or while rushing out the door is a recipe for disaster. Instead, find a calm, private moment when you’re both relaxed.
Meet Emma and Jordan. Emma wanted to discuss a postnup after hearing about it from a friend. Rather than springing it on Jordan during dinner or after work, Emma suggested a weekend coffee date at their favorite park. The calming environment helped set a positive tone and provided private areas to speak openly.
2. Frame the conversation positively
Don’t assume your partner will see the positive or know you’re coming from a place of positive intent. It is highly possible (and valid) for their fears or worries to go to the forefront. Instead, start with a clear explanation of why you think a postnup could benefit your marriage. Highlight its role in fostering trust and clarity rather than focusing solely on what could go wrong.
Meet Liam and Sophie. Liam and Sophie have grown up together – first as high school sweethearts, colleague beaus, and now as a married couple. Liam begins the conversation by saying, “We’ve grown up together, but I think we never had some conversations because we knew we would always be together. I was thinking about ways to ensure we’re on the same page financially and emotionally. A postnup could be a way to clarify our goals together. What do you think?” This framing helped Sophie see why Liam is bringing up the idea of a postnup now and how it could be collaborative rather than divisive.
3. Acknowledge all emotions
Emotional reactions to the idea of a postnup (and subsequent discussions) are unavoidable. For some couples, that emotional experience will be less significant or be processed quickly. For others, it can come on strong, trigger past experiences, or be difficult to dispel. It can also bring any unresolved issues in the relationship and feelings surrounding them to the forefront. Be prepared to validate your partner’s emotions rather than dismiss them. Remember, validating their feelings does not mean you agree with why they may feel that way, but nothing productive can occur if neither of you feels heard.
Meet Ryan and Mia. While starting a new business venture, Ryan asks several “what if” financial questions and recognizes that a postnup may be a necessary and beneficial tool. The only thing is that Mia, with a stable income, has been shouldering most of the financial expenses and childcare to support Ryan.
The thought of a postnup triggers feelings of resentment and invalidation, leading her to ask, “After all I’ve done for our family, you really don’t trust me?!” Rather than pushing back, Ryan takes a moment to put himself in Mia’s shoes and asks her what other feelings are arising. The goal is not to rush in and “fix” her feelings or help her “see the light” in a postnup. The first step is to listen and understand where Mia’s feelings are coming from. Only then can she trust Ryan has made an effort to understand her perspective and be open to further conversations.
4. Clarity, clarity, clarity
Your partner is not a mind reader, and in discussions about postnups, it’s even more crucial to be transparent and clear. Suspend assumptions, even basic ones, to ensure you’re both on the same page. What should you be clear about? Why do you feel a postnup is necessary (or at least essential to explore), related to personal experiences, financial goals, and other factors (e.g., family dynamics)? Be open and honest in sharing your perspective, as it can help your partner understand your motives.
Meet Olivia and Ben. Olivia initiated the postnup process and, in that, shared something she had never fully shared with her spouse – her parents’ history and how it impacted her. Olivia disclosed, “My parents had a lot of financial disputes that caused tension in their marriage, and it always made me so anxious. I don’t want that to be us, even possibly ending up like that, so I’d rather us talk about it and agree on what we want to do now when we’re in a good place.” Olivia’s vulnerability highlighted to Ben just how much her parents’ financial struggles impacted her and her strong desire to ensure their marriage was different.
5. Learn together
Knowledge is power; understanding what a postnup is, what it entails, and what it is not can demystify the process. Learning together can help reinforce that you’re still a team and help decrease misunderstandings. Learning can be done through researching together or consulting a professional to get a clearer picture of what’s involved and needed.
Meet Chloe and Ethan. Misunderstandings surrounding the postnup process kept cropping up for Chloe and Ethan, who had tried the” divide and conquer” route. So, instead of splitting up the work in researching a postnup process, they decided to attend a virtual seminar on postnuptial agreements. They even found an excellent referral for a family law attorney and scheduled a call. This collaborative approach turned the discussion into a learning experience rather than a source of tension.
6. Be patient
No good will be accomplished by rushing the process or by rushing each other. Your partner (and you!) may need time to process the idea or parts of the process. Rushing increases the likelihood that distrust, frustration, anger, or other impactful feelings can arise. It also increases the probability of poor decisions and mistakes, so create space to think, ask questions and review.
Meet Harper and Noah. When Noah said, “I’m not sure how I feel about this yet,” Harper could feel the irritation and stress bubbling up. Instead of letting that force her to rush Noah, she responded, “Take your time. We don’t have to decide anything today. Let’s check back in this weekend?” Noah appreciated the time, and having a clear time to check back in with each other was helpful for Harper to know when the discussion could resume, which helped with her stress levels.
7. Be creative
Communication isn’t always verbal. Consider all the other ways you and your partner communicate or can communicate. Not everything has to be a verbal discussion; work in other communication strategies like letters, emails, voice memos… Just check in with us over time regarding the efficiency of each strategy.
Meet Isabella and Lucas. Isabella and Lucas have initiated the postnup process, where they discuss buying a home and starting a business together. A postnup is a helpful tool to provide financial clarity to support these goals. However, as they continue to discuss the postnup, they’ve found that having a synchronous, verbal conversation has not worked well. Lucas has found that he works better when he has time to process before responding. Given this, they found that having a verbal check-in once a week worked, but communication between those meetings was better done in writing or through voice memos to give more processing time.
8. Seek professional guidance
Sometimes, a neutral third party can facilitate the conversation and address concerns. This could be a lawyer, a financial planner, or a couples therapist.
Meet Zoe and Max. Despite their biases (that only couples in trouble see a couple’s therapist!), Zoe and Max found that pulling in an expert made this process much smoother and quicker. After working with a lawyer to draft their agreement, they met with a couples’ therapist to discuss any unresolved concerns and set up a strong plan to move forward. Having a professional involved helped Max feel more comfortable with the process and confident in their path after signing the documents.
Final thoughts
Discussing a postnup with your partner doesn’t have to be a source of conflict, even though it can often feel like a delicate dance. Leaning into the discussions with empathy, clarity, and patience can make a world of difference! Remember, the process isn’t just to complete the document itself – it’s about navigating your shared values and goals as a married team. By utilizing these thoughtful communication strategies and seeking support when needed, you’re laying the foundation for a healthy relationship.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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