Asking your spouse for a postnuptial agreement (aka postnup) can be tricky and nerve-wracking. The fear of conflict or the potential for doubt can make the conversation daunting and may even deter many people. But don’t let that be you! For many couples, a postnup can benefit both partners and protect the marriage. In fact, over 51% of divorce attorneys have noticed an increase in postnups in recent years.
First, understand what a postnup is
A postnuptial agreement, or “postnup,” is a legal document created after the wedding day (as opposed to a prenup, which is created before the wedding day). A postnup outlines how assets, debts, and other financial matters will be handled during a separation, divorce, or death. While it’s similar to a prenuptial agreement, the key difference is when it’s drafted and signed. Another distinction is that a postnup often addresses significant changes in a couple’s financial or other circumstances, such as receiving an unexpected inheritance or having children unexpectedly.
Is a postnup a good idea for you?
Before starting this conversation with your partner, take a moment to ask yourself: Is this a good idea for me and my partner? The goal isn’t to convince yourself not to do it but to clarify what you hope a postnup will accomplish for you, your spouse, and your marriage. For many couples, a postnup comes into the picture because of:
- Changes in financial circumstances: Has your financial situation changed? Has there been an inheritance or a sudden increase in a business’s value? Rather than letting state laws dictate asset division, a postnup can clarify how new assets will be treated in the marriage and, if necessary, post-marriage.
- Debt concerns: If one or both partners have incurred significant debt or if the debt was discovered after the wedding, a postnup can outline how the debt will be managed, ensuring that one partner is not unfairly burdened.
- Stay-at-home parenting or career changes: If one partner leaves their job to take on full-time parenting or caregiving responsibilities, a postnup can offer financial protection and (legally) validate their contribution to the household outside of a paycheck.
- Post-infidelity: Up to 22% of couples face infidelity in their relationship, and many of those couples decide to reconcile and work on rebuilding trust. In this situation, a spouse may ask the other to sign a postnup that offers protection (such as financial compensation) should infidelity occur again (but this type of provision may only be enforceable in certain states).
- Business ownership: If one spouse acquires a business after marriage, a postnup can help define the ownership rights of certain business interests. It can also address how one partner supports the other in starting their business (e.g., taking over bills or caregiving duties). This provides peace of mind and protects the interests of everyone involved, including business partners and investors.
- Addressing unequal contributions: We all bring different strengths to a marriage, and each couple defines what they need in their marriage. However, unequal contributions can sometimes create tension that silently builds up. A postnup can ensure that assets are fairly protected while still providing for both partners.
Reflecting on why you want a postnup will help you approach the conversation with clarity and confidence. Your thoughtfulness will set the stage for a more open and productive discussion.
Walk a mile in your partner’s shoes
Before asking for a postnup, imagine being in your partner’s position. Ask yourself:
- Does this feel like a surprise?
- What do I feel or think right off the bat? Angry, suspicious, upset, or worried?
- What do I feel after I have had some time to process?
- What questions would come to mind first?
- Where would I want (and not want) to have this conversation?
The key is to see things from your partner’s perspective, not your own. Even if you may not agree with their reaction, acknowledge it. If you’re having trouble predicting their response, consider past events of similar magnitude:
- How did they react then?
- What could have been handled differently?
- Did they provide feedback about how you managed it?
- Did they later share why they felt the way they did?
Still struggling? Confide in a close friend who knows your spouse well and ask them how they think your spouse might react. However, be cautious—make sure it’s someone you trust completely. You don’t want anyone else bringing up the idea of a postnup, as it could be perceived as a breach of trust and create unnecessary tension.
Roleplay with a friend
Find a trusted friend (or a coach or therapist) and practice role-playing your conversation. It’s crucial to practice what you’ll say and how you’ll say it! Yes, it will feel weird, and you might want to avoid it. Don’t. It’s okay for it to feel uncomfortable. This practice will help you refine your approach, get used to the anxiety, and feel more grounded during the real conversation. Exposure to your nerves decreases their intensity, making the unknown more familiar.
Ask your friend to react as your spouse might. Practice:
- Explaining what a postnup is and how it benefits both partners.
- Being clear and concise. (Rambling won’t help!)
- Using compassionate, validating language.
- Checking in with your partner to understand their thoughts and feelings.
- Knowing when it might be best to pause.
- Using non-defensive comments.
If you don’t feel comfortable roleplaying with someone else, film yourself and watch it back.
Make it easy for your spouse
The easier you make the process for your spouse, the more likely the conversation will go well. “Easier” will depend on your spouse, but consider:
- Print information or provide a sample postnup if your spouse is a visual learner.
- Provide resource links so your partner can explore on their own.
- Creating a document for them to jot down questions or concerns. This way, they don’t have to worry about remembering everything and can see you’re making an effort.
- Scheduling a consultation call (after your discussion) with a legal expert to answer questions and provide more information.
Don’t get defensive
Experts Dr. John and Julie Gottman identified defensiveness as a key predictor of relationship breakdown. So, as you can imagine, defensiveness won’t be super helpful in this conversation. How might it show up? Your spouse might disagree with your reasons for a postnup or suggest other motives. For example, they might say, “You only want a postnup because of your inheritance!” It’s easy to get defensive, but that response creates a cycle of blame. Instead, try:
Instead of that think about:
- Accept responsibility: “I know the idea of a postnup is new to you, and you’ll need time to process. And I’ve given this a lot of thought and really believe it’s an opportunity for us both to be fairly protected. Can I share a little more about my thinking?”
- Show interest in their feelings: “I can tell this is really upsetting you, and that wasn’t my intention. What else is coming up for you, because I really want to know how you’re feeling.”
- Don’t assume or guess; just ask what they need: “What would help right now?”
Know when you need help
If you’re still not confident about having this conversation without a fight, consider professional support. A couple’s therapist or mediator can facilitate tough discussions and make sure they’re productive. Avoid involving friends or family as a third-party mediator. They may have biases (real or imagined) that could complicate things. A neutral professional has the expertise to navigate these dynamics quickly and effectively.
Final thoughts on asking your spouse for a postnup
Starting the conversation about a postnup can be challenging, but it doesn’t have to start a fight. Carefully preparing, practicing your approach and request, and pulling in help when needed can set you up for success. Remember, the goal is to protect both partners and strengthen your marriage through honest communication and mutual respect.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
0 Comments