Talking about a postnuptial agreement can feel like kicking the hornet’s nest—stirring up intense emotions for married couples. While postnuptial agreements have become more commonplace in recent years, they are still taboo for many, and it can feel deeply uncomfortable to discuss. So, how do you navigate the conversation when you and your partner are on different pages?
Let’s explore this topic using a hypothetical couple, Chris and Sam, who found themselves in conflict over a postnup. Their story illustrates ways to manage this tricky subject with emotional awareness, clear communication, and teamwork.
Meet Chris and Sam
Chris and Sam have been together for five years and married for one. Recently, Chris inherited a significant sum of money, which motivated him to research financial strategies to manage this amount of money through new financial practices. In that exploration, Chris came across the idea of a postnuptial agreement. It seemed like the responsible move to clarify financial matters and goals for Chris.
Sam, however, felt blindsided. The request came out of nowhere and left her questioning Chris’s trust in their marriage and what else may change with this inheritance.
So, this is where their conflict began—a situation many couples face, even if the exact details may differ. If you can relate to Chris or Sam, here’s how to navigate postnup discussions while keeping your relationship strong.
1. Lead with empathy and curiosity
When emotions run high, it’s easy to get defensive or to blame. Instead, approach the conversation with empathy and genuine curiosity about your partner’s feelings and keep any assumptions at the door.
Chris quickly realized that Sam may not view a postnuptial agreement as merely a financial tool. To better understand what may be coming up for Sam, he chose to ask: “Can you help me understand what upsets you most about the idea of a postnup?”
Rather than giving in to his frustration or point of view with comments such as “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not a big deal,” Chris chose to create space for a conversation.
By leading with curiosity, Chris encouraged Sam to share her perspective and gather more information about her experience. Given that opportunity, Sam explained that growing up in a household where money caused constant fights left her with lingering fears about financial disagreements.
Key takeaways:
- Ask questions that show you care about your partner’s experience, like “What’s coming up for you?” or “What are you most worried about with this idea?”
- Create space for this conversation, and don’t assume you know what your partner is feeling or why. Just ask!
- Listening with empathy almost always helps to defuse tension and sets the stage for a productive discussion.
2. Share your “Why”
Now that you understand your partner’s perspective share your thoughts. Don’t assume your partner understands your reasoning; be clear, open, and honest about your motivations.
Initially, Chris hadn’t fully explained why the postnup felt important; he believed Sam would be on the same wavelength and they could discuss it together over time. However, with less information, Sam was left to fill in the blanks, which amplified her anxiety.
To help, Chris set up a specific time to have a conversation with Sam in a space she was comfortable. He ensured they had enough time and wouldn’t be rushed.
Once they said down to talk, Chris reframed the situation to be more transparent about his feelings by sharing:
“This inheritance is enough that it made me rethink our financial goals. I want us to both feel protected if something unexpected happens. This isn’t about distrust or trying to ‘save’ the money for myself. I just wanted us to take this opportunity to rethink our financial situation and goals and make plans.”
While Sam may realize this, it is powerful for her to hear it explicitly from Chris and for it to be reinforced that they are in it together.
Key takeaways:
- Share your intentions with care and specificity.
- Focus on fairness, transparency, and long-term security.
- Use language that highlights that you are both a team.
- Focus on the end goal and explicitly share you’re open to how you both get there.
- Statements such as:
- “This is about ensuring we both feel aligned and secure moving forward.”
- “With this new source of income, I want us to take the chance to think about what we can and want to do.”
- “If something happens in the future, I want us to have something we created together, not decisions made by the state or someone else.”
- “I want us to decide what makes sense for us as a couple.”
3. Recognize emotional triggers
Given the situation, does it ever feel like your or your partner’s reaction is bigger than you would expect? That may be because it’s hitting on past emotional experiences deeper than the issue at hand.
Financial discussions have been triggering for Sam, given the stress she experienced growing up. Witnessing arguments and disagreements over money left her sensitive and more reactive to financial issues. When money becomes a part of the situation, it can bring up fears about the stability of a relationship.
Rather than dismissing Sam’s fears (intentionally or unintentionally), Chris focused on identifying what may be adding to Sam’s experience. He asked:
“You shared how hard it was to hear your parents argue about money. Is any part of that coming up for you that is making you more worried about the idea of a postnup?”
Notice how Chris asks if this is Sam’s experience versus telling her what she feels. Nothing is more invalidating than someone else telling you how you feel (even if it’s true)!
Chris can then validate Sam’s emotional experience, understand how to move forward and process it together.
Key takeaways:
- If emotions are running high, pause and ask more.
- Use what you know about your partner to help guide your thinking and discussion, but don’t assume that is what is occurring.
- Focus on supporting your partner and working together to help process the emotions to a place where you can talk about the postnup effectively.
- Statements like this can help:
- “Is this bringing up worries or situations from your past?”
- “How can I support you?”
- “What do you need?”
- “How can we work through these feelings together?”
- Addressing emotional triggers helps avoid misunderstandings and build deeper trust, which is essential for the postnup discussions.
4. Work as a team, not opponents
One common reason for growing tension and friction during the postnup process is the lens through which it is seen. If you or your partner enter the process believing you are opponents (consciously or unconsciously), it influences how you view, react, and act in these discussions.
Chris and Sam shifted their mindset from one person “winning” and the other “losing” through honest conversations. They focused on a common goal – to create a fair and beneficial agreement for them both. To help keep the process balanced and neutral, they enlisted the support of a mediator. The shared goal and support of a third party empowered Sam and validated that both partners had a say in each decision; this eased her discomfort and allowed her to participate in the process fully.
Key takeaways:
-
- Treat the postnup as a shared effort, not a demand or given.
- Frame decisions as “we” statements to highlight that you’re both on the same team
- Don’t do it alone – pull in support when needed!
- Statements like this can help:
- “How can we make this work for both of us?”
- “What are we worried about?”
- “What do we want for our future?”
5. Take (many) breaks
Postnup conversations can be emotionally exhausting, even more so if there is any conflict to navigate. Missing signs for a break can lead to heightened emotions, which often end in unnecessary arguments or hurtful words.
During one discussion, Sam noticed she was becoming increasingly upset; she felt her frustration rising, her desire to roll her eyes, and her reluctance to listen to whatever Chris was saying. After noticing these signs, Sam realized she needed a break. So she told Chris, “I’m finding it hard to have this discussion right now. Let’s pause and come back to this tomorrow.”
Noticing her emotional experience and initiating (a much-needed) break benefits both partners. It gave everyone that time to reflect, cool down, and return to the discussion with clearer heads.
Key takeaways:
- If the conversation becomes overwhelming, hit pause.
- Don’t be afraid to schedule breaks pre-emptively. If there are topics you know are more triggering, set a max time (say 20 minutes) and build in a 10-minute break.
- Be clear about your intention to return to the topic; a break is meant to process thoughts and emotional experiences, not to avoid a topic or discussion.
- Intentional breaks show that you care about the conversation and the relationship and you’re human with emotions.
- Statements like this can help:
- “I think I need a little time to think more about this, can we take a break and come back to it?”
- “Let’s step away for now and come back tomorrow after we both have some time to cool off.”
- “This is clearly important to us both, but I think we need some time before we come back to it so we don’t say anything we’ll regret.”
6. Focus on the big picture
While a postnup is a reasonable and responsible tool for couples, the big picture can sometimes get lost in the minutia. Your relationship is at the heart of the postnuptial process; reminding each other of that is crucial.
To help remind each other of that, Chris and Sam began to end each postnup discussion with a reflection or commitment statement to their relationship, such as, “This document doesn’t change how much I love you or believe in our marriage; it’s just a tool to help us plan for the future.”
Create space to share those fears, validate them, and support one another.
At the heart of any postnuptial discussion is your relationship—not the document itself. Chris and Sam reminded each other of this throughout the process.
Key takeaways:
- Focus on shared values (love, security, partnership) to reframe the process to protect it, not undermine it.
- Reassuring one another that this does not reflect your trust or belief in the marriage.
- Statements like this can help:
- “Our relationship comes first, no matter what.”
- “This is about protecting what we’ve built together.”
- “This will help us be on the same page and continue that honest and open communication.”
Final thoughts on navigating conflict over a postnup
Navigating conflict in a postnuptial agreement can feel daunting, but it can actually be an opportunity to strengthen your relationship. Like Chris and Sam, you can approach these conversations with empathy, openness, and teamwork.
If you’re struggling to find common ground, remember to lead with curiosity and empathy; share your “why”; explore emotional triggers together; work as a team, not against each other; take breaks often; and check in on the big picture often – which is that your relationship is the highest priority.
Handled thoughtfully, this conversation can actually deepen your connection and trust. A postnup is just a tool—how you navigate it as a couple is where the real strength lies.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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