Congratulations! You’re married and in your first, third, or tenth year… and you (or your partner) learn about a postnuptial agreement. But wait, what?! You’re already married; aren’t these agreements done before marriage? With postnuptial agreements gaining momentum, more and more couples are asking questions. Do I need a postnup? Will this hurt my marriage? Let’s take a deep dive into this topic and answer those burning questions.
What is a postnuptial agreement?
A postnuptial agreement is a contract (like a prenuptial agreement) between married partners. It provides instructions on a married couple’s assets, debts, alimony, inheritances, businesses, and more. will be managed and divided in the event of a divorce.
Recently, postnuptial agreements have gained popularity, which is a good thing! Why? Well, for starters, it’s 2024, and people are realistic about marriage. In addition, postnups can assist in amending a prenup agreement after a couple’s lives, careers, and financial situations evolve. Or, couples who didn’t get a prenup may realize that a postnup can offer them clarity in the event of a divorce.
Why a postnuptial agreement now?
Why get a postnup if you already have a prenup? Or maybe there is no prenup, but you’re already married, so why is a postnup needed? These are common reactions to a prenup. But life is unpredictable, and a lot can change in the months and years after you get married. Each couple’s situation is different, but the most common reasons for a postnup are:
- Change in financial situation: Big changes in income or assets—like starting a new business, receiving an inheritance, or landing a major promotion—can lead couples to rethink their finances and how they’d like to plan for the future.
- Debt management: Sometimes, financial discussions don’t occur until after the marriage, and (surprise!) one or both partners’ debt comes to light. A postnup can help protect both partners and clarify each person’s responsibilities.
- Inheritance for children: Couples who have children from previous relationships may use a postnup to ensure that their children’s inheritance is protected in various scenarios. Why after a marriage? It may be due to changes in health, age, or some other unexpected life circumstance.
- Unexpected inheritance received by a spouse: Speaking of inheritances, one of the spouses may receive an unexpected lump sum of cash (or other form of inheritance), which was not expected. For example, maybe Great Aunt Sue decided to leave you a cool $10 mil that you didn’t know was coming. A postnup may be in order.
- Evolving (marital) roles: What we imagine and what life throws at us can be very different. As roles in the marriage evolve, a postnuptial agreement can help clarify expectations and responsibilities as a couple progresses.
- Changes to prenup: A prenup may need to be updated for one of the reasons above or other life circumstances. Poor behavior in the marriage (like the discovery of addiction or infidelity) may also be a driver.
When will a postnup hurt my marriage
At the end of the day, a postnup is nothing more than words on paper (that may be enforced by a court); it’s a tool, and how it impacts a marriage rests solely on how the couples use it. So, what are the circumstances that would hurt a marriage?
Situation 1: No Discussions Between the Spouses
A postnup without any discussion between both spouses is almost guaranteed to damage a marriage. Postnups should be approached with honesty and transparency. Both spouses can share their reasons for a postnup and process their feelings together. Without it, misassumptions, lack of trust, and emotional turmoil are likely to arise and sink the marriage.
What should we do instead?
- Set up a time to talk; don’t make it a surprise!
- Approach the conversation with honesty and transparency
- Share your feelings
- Be open to compromise
- Ask how your partner is feeling at the moment
- Research a postnup together
- Talk to a professional to learn more together
- Get support in starting or having the hard conversations
Situation 2: Creating A Completely One-Sided Contract
A postnup that protects only one partner’s wealth? Or does it not consider another partner’s (non-financial) contributions? This situation could potentially harm a marriage.
When a postnup is not well-crafted, rushed, or done with little discussion, it is more likely to be one-sided or unfair. Such a postnup can lead to resentment, disrespect, unappreciation, or contempt—all ingredients for conflicts in a marriage.
What should we do instead?
- Collaborate on the postnup together
- Write and review multiple drafts
- Share your non-negotiables and requests
- Be clear on your intention & be open to other ways to achieve it
- Learn more about postnups together
- Pull in a mediator or support to negotiate or compromise as needed
Situation 3: You’re Extremely Stressed Out
You know the advice that you shouldn’t make major life decisions during times of significant change? Yeah, this is a reminder—if life is stressing you out significantly, don’t add fuel to the fire. Stress has a huge influence on our decision-making; it can affect our ability to make new decisions, make poor ones, and/or make it difficult to make simple decisions. If one or both partners are going through a particularly rough patch (loss of a job, death of a family member), those are not the ideal times to begin a postnuptial process. It’s likely to lead to more stress on the person and the relationship; one partner may feel unsupported or even taken advantage of.
*Note: Change in income? Inheritance? Discovery of significant debt? All these are examples of when couples commonly initiate the postnup process and follow the stressful periods in this section. However, the key is not to initiate the process when a partner is at the height of the stressor. Hold off until they’re able to engage more in the process. Patience will be beneficial for both partners!
What should we do instead?
- Prioritize your stress/Support your stressed-out partner
- Utilize Diaphragmatic breathing
- Add in daily mindfulness exercises, like mindful walking
- Move your body
- Prioritize a balanced diet
- Minimize screentime
- Prioritize sleep
- Make a plan to check in or begin discussing a postnup
How to minimize negative impacts from the postnup
If a postnuptial agreement is worth considering, here are some tips for approaching the conversation and process to minimize any negative impacts.
Timing is Everything
Okay, maybe not everything, but timing is pretty important. Don’t spring the conversation on one another—find a calm, stress-free time to discuss it. Plan to have several follow-up conversations and check-ins throughout the process, and make sure both partners have time to process feelings that come up, ask questions, and compromise.
Be Clear
Clarity is kindness. Be clear about what exactly you want to be included in the postnup. The clearer each partner is, the less likely either one is to leave the process with doubts. Clarity also covers questions. Try to avoid asking general questions—ask the question that you really want answered! Not only will this save time, but it will also prevent any confusion or misconceptions.
Invite Conversation
Make it a safe space for open and honest conversations. Encourage each other to share thoughts, questions, concerns, and feelings. For some couples, that might mean scheduling a daily or weekly check-in. For others, it means adding their questions or concerns to a shared Google Doc to discuss. Whatever works for you!
Don’t Do It Alone
No one said you had to do this alone. Consider a neutral third party, like a couple’s therapist, financial planner, or lawyer, to help facilitate the conversation and meet both partners’ needs. You can utilize their services once or make it a continual support.
Be Open To Compromise
Be ready to make a compromise and expect that the postnuptial agreement may not be exactly the way you’d write it because it’s a result of two people. Each partner should know what is most important to them and then be open to making concessions because, in the end, you’ll both win if it feels fair and equitable.
The bottom line on whether a postnup will hurt your marriage
A postnuptial agreement doesn’t have to hurt your marriage—in fact, it can be a helpful tool in navigating life’s ups and downs. The key is how you approach the process. Avoid situations that set you up for failure, like avoiding discussions, being non-collaboration, or initiating the process during stressful events. Instead, by timing the conversation well, being clear about your intentions, inviting open conversation, and being willing to compromise, you can create a postnup that feels fair to both partners. And in the end, that can strengthen a marriage!
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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