Alright, you’ve set yourself (and your partner) on the path to your prenuptial agreement. But… what is your first step in the prenup process? My answer (almost indiscriminately) is to have a conversation with your partner. We’ll explore a few common scenarios to help cover the variety of first prenup convos couples may find themselves in.
Setting yourself up for success
There are two main ways to set yourself up for success: (1) choosing the right time and setting and (2) setting a collaborative tone. Let’s discuss how to do this.
Choose the Right Time and Setting
While not the be-all and end-all, the first prenup conversation can help set the tone for the entire process.
- Choose a private space: This will increase the chance you can both share openly and honestly and talk in-depth about needed topics.
- Choose an environment where you’re both comfortable: Being uncomfortable or irritable makes a (possibly) awkward conversation more difficult.
- Find a good time: Don’t put it off to find a “perfect” time, but don’t just choose any ol’ time. Avoid high-stress periods or when either of you is facing time constraints.
Set a Collaborative Tone
Start with the positives, such as how a prenup can benefit you both, and prioritize fairness and protecting both parties. Don’t forget to check-in often during the conversation–how is each other feeling? Is it still ok to continue the conversation? And finally, make sure you’re taking turns speaking. Do this by pausing more often and asking for your partner’s thoughts and reactions after speaking.
General talking points for the first prenup talk
Don’t go in blind. Go in with a plan on some basic points to cover the first time you discuss a prenup with your partner. Here are some main topics you may want to touch on (you don’t have to do them all, just whatever makes sense).
Long-Term Plans
- Talk about where you see your lives in 5, 10, and 20 years.
- What are individual goals? (Career, having kids, where you want to live, etc.)
- What are shared goals? (Retirement plans, lifestyle, financial goals, etc.)
Financial Philosophies
- Share your approaches to saving, spending, investing, and debt.
- If you don’t have a strong philosophy, share your fears or hard “no’s” when it comes to spending and saving.
Future Family Needs
- Do you want kids? If so, how can you protect their futures, no matter what happens?
- What if you’re not able to have kids one day? Would you adopt? IVF? Foster? All three? And, yes, you can include certain clauses about IVF in a prenup, even if you haven’t gone through it yet.
Assets and Liabilities
- What are you each bringing to the relationship? This can include savings, future income, investments, businesses, property, future inheritances, and debt.
- Do you foresee any big changes in your assets or liabilities? For example, do you plan on starting/selling a business soon? Receiving an inheritance? Taking on student loans?
Income Disparities
- Don’t wait or beat around the bush; talk about any differences in income. (Plus, it’s required for prenuptial agreement financial disclosure).
- How might that difference influence your expectations and contributions?
- How will you make financial decisions based on or (intentionally) not based on this difference?
- What if this changes in the future? Does that change anything?
Career Changes
- Career goals? For example, do you plan to start a business? Climb the corporate ladder? Take a low-key job and coast? Become a stay-at-home mom/dad?
- Talk about childcare and how to address that, and what are the impacts on both your careers?
Relocations
- How do you each feel about moving?
- How would that impact you both?
- Is there a strong possibility of relocation in the near future?
- How or what might you want to include as protections for each of you?
Inheritances and Gifts
- Whether it is near or far, clarify how inheritances should be managed when received during your marriage.
- What about gifts (wedding gifts included)?
- Who do you want to inherit your assets?
Some tips for common scenarios
It’s impossible to cover every scenario that may arise during your first prenup conversation, but here are some common scenarios and tips for navigating them.
Scenario #1: First time bringing up the idea of a prenup
The goal is to bring up the idea of a prenup, and for your partner to walk away with a positive experience. Don’t expect or push for a decision or agreement in this first conversation! Some tips for the first convo about the idea of a prenup:
- Plan to have subsequent conversations to continue the discussion.
- Overestimate how much time you’ll need for the conversation.
- Don’t tell, ask.
- Be curious about your partner’s thoughts, concerns, and fears.
- Focus on validating.
Scenario #2: Deciding on whether or not to proceed with a prenup
After you’ve brought up the initial idea of getting a prenup in the first place, the next conversation should be whether or not to actually execute on it. Here’s what to consider:
- Do the prep work! Come to the conversation with information about prenups to review together.
- Be ready to share openly and honestly about your individual situations and shared hopes/goals.
- Emotionally prepare yourself to talk about uncomfortable things (like debt).
- Take breaks! It can help you refocus and process any emotions as they come up.
- Set a time limit, and plan subsequent conversations if it feels overwhelming
- Each writes a pro/con list and share it with each other
- Focus on using “I” statements to minimize feelings of judgment or blame.
Scenario #3: Both want a prenup, starting the process
Great! You’re both in. Now what? Making your prenup process plan is one of the most important first prenup steps. (Hint: HelloPrenup makes this really easy for you).
- Gather all the needed information and paperwork to deep dive into the process.
- Use tools and resources that can help streamline the process so you aren’t in paperwork h*ll.
- Check-in with each other regularly. Even if you both are aligned about a prenup, it doesn’t mean emotions won’t still arise!
- Be open to changes, and make room for those discussions.
Scenario #4: Bringing up a prenup knowing your partner hates the idea
Try to understand the fear or worry that is driving the resistance. Being curious about understanding and making your partner feel heard can go a long way, no matter the result! Here are some more tips to consider when you know your partner hates the idea of a prenup:
- Identify how a prenup benefits you mutually, and focus on those.
- Validate your partner’s fears and worries, and share your own.
- Be open to pulling in other supports – a therapist, legal expert, or financial advisor.
- Find others who have had a prenup and learn about their experiences. This can help provide more personal data to help make a decision.
- Prep for the possibility that your partner will not change their mind, and explore what that means for you.
- More information here for this challenging situation
Final thoughts on the first prenup convo
Opening up the first conversation about a prenuptial agreement can feel daunting, but approaching it thoughtfully and intentional manner can make all the difference. The key is setting the stage; whether you’re introducing the idea for the first time or tackling difficult conversations with a partner who is hesitant, remember that patience, preparation, and empathy are your most powerful tools.
Prenuptial agreements are not just about financial protection—they’re about starting your marriage in alignment and transparency. This process is an opportunity to strengthen your relationship by having the honest (and sometimes tough) conversations about your future together. Going through it will ensure you’re on the same page and ready to face the future with confidence, whether or not you ultimately decide to proceed with a prenup.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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