There’s a reason prenups have a PR problem. They’re often portrayed as a way for the wealthier partner to protect themselves, usually at the expense of the less resourced one. And while the legal intent of a prenuptial agreement is to provide clarity and protection for both people, the way prenups often get discussed and signed can trigger big feelings—fear, shame, control, and resentment among them
And a big reason behind that is the (often unspoken) power dynamics.
It’s not the document itself that causes the problem, though it often takes the blame. It’s the process: how the conversation unfolds, how decisions are made, and how both people are treated along the way. If one partner feels pushed, silenced, or sidelined, it’s no surprise the final prenup ends up feeling unfair or even resented.
In this article, we’ll unpack the subtle (and not-so-subtle) power imbalances that can surface during prenup conversations, how to spot when something is off, and ways to approach the process so both people feel respected, informed, and heard.
What research says about power dynamics
Power in relationships isn’t just about who has more money or legal know-how. It’s about the many ways people hold influence—sometimes without even realizing it. In a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers demonstrated that people use different kinds of power—like resources, status, obligations, and even subtle coercion—to shape situations in their favor.
These different types of power aren’t isolated but change or stack over time. In the context of a prenup, that might mean using emotional closeness, time constraints, or legal knowledge to influence the outcome.
And even when things start off on seemingly equal footing, dynamics can shift. Maybe one partner brings up the prenup too close to the wedding. Maybe pushing back gets framed as being disloyal or unloving. These aren’t always conscious moves with bad intentions; it can happen without each partner realizing what is occuring. But, conscious or unconscious, when left unchecked, they can quietly chip away at the very trust and partnership the prenup is supposed to protect.
Power dynamics aren’t just about money
When people think about power dynamics, they usually think about money. And yes—money can absolutely shift the balance. But it’s not just about the dollar amount. Power can come from assets, earning potential, or even financial literacy. In the prenup process, those dynamics can also show up in other ways, such as:
- Who’s initiating the conversation, and how early (or late) they bring it up?
- Who feels more emotionally secure in the relationship?
- Who has access to legal or financial advisors (or even trusted people)—and who doesn’t?
- Who has more experience navigating contracts, negotiations, or high-stakes decisions?
- Who loses more if the wedding is called off?
These kinds of differences seem subtle, but they carry a lot of weight. They shape how comfortable someone feels speaking up, asking questions, or even saying “I need more time.” When one partner holds more influence—financially, emotionally, or otherwise—it can shift the entire tone of the conversation. And if those imbalances aren’t acknowledged and actively balanced out, the process can start to feel less collaborative and more like something being done to one person, not with them.
Validate emotional reactions
Power dynamics exist in every relationship. The goal isn’t to erase them, but to recognize how they might shape the prenup process, especially when things start to feel tense or off. To keep things balanced, make space for the emotions that come up on both sides. Feeling anxious about signing or nervous about bringing it up makes you human.
Validating emotions restores psychological safety. When someone feels dismissed, rushed, or like their concerns are being minimized, it can exacerbate power imbalances. But when both partners feel heard, it helps to level the playing field, signaling that each partner matters and their perspective counts. That alone can be powerful in ensuring neither partner is being railroaded.
Red flags that someone might feel railroaded
Sometimes, people go along with something not because they truly agree, but because they feel like they don’t have a choice. This can show up in subtle ways, and it’s worth paying attention to. Red flags that someone is feeling railroaded (and that might mean yourself):
- They mention feeling rushed or like they haven’t had enough time to fully understand or review the agreement.
- They avoid asking questions—not because they don’t have any, but because they’re trying to avoid conflict.
- Discomfort gets brushed off with humor or passive-aggressive comments like, “Hope I’m not getting screwed!” or “Well, I sure hope you’re worth this.”
The railroading may not be intentional, but these are signs that a power imbalance is taking hold and that one partner doesn’t feel able to pause, slow down, or ask questions. Left unchecked, that dynamic can quietly erode the foundation of the relationship over time.
How to make the process collaborative
You can have a prenup and still be on the same team. Here’s how to keep it that way:
- Start early. Prenups shouldn’t be a last-minute hurdle. Ideally, it’s part of your financial planning conversations months (if not a year) ahead of the wedding. This gives both partners time to think, ask questions, and digest, not just react.
- Name what each partner is bringing to the marriage (tangible or not). Every partner brings something of value to the relationship (and if not… maybe it’s worth asking why you’re getting married). Naming those contributions helps rebalance power. Maybe one person earns less but provides steady emotional support. Perhaps the other leans on that support to thrive in a high-pressure career. Both roles matter and should be acknowledged.
- Encourage separate legal counsel. Even if one partner says, “I trust you; I don’t need a lawyer,” encourage them to get one anyway. Having separate legal counsel is best for each partner and the relationship, because it ensures that both parties understand what they’re signing and are making informed decisions. It also helps even out power imbalances because both partners have an expert in their corner to point out blind spots.
- Create space for revision. Treating a prenup as a one-and-done document can heighten power dynamics. It puts pressure on both partners to finalize things quickly and gives an advantage to whoever is more forceful or decisive. Instead, approach it as a draft; something to talk through, revise, and revisit. That keeps the power dynamics more balanced and ensures both voices are heard.
- Don’t rush or pressure. What feels reasonable to one person might feel overwhelming to the other. Just because you don’t feel rushed doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t. Talk openly about pace and pressure, and make space for someone to say, “This doesn’t feel right yet,” without it being seen as a threat. Unspoken pressure—intentional or not—can easily magnify existing power dynamics.
Special considerations when one partner has less financial knowledge
One often-overlooked power dynamic in prenup conversations is financial literacy. If one partner grew up comfortable with money talk and the other didn’t, that gap can quietly shape how the process unfolds.
It’s important to avoid jargon and not assume shared knowledge. Legal terms like “separate property” might be familiar to one person and utterly foreign to the other. Offer support (without being condescending), invite questions, share resources, and consider reviewing the prenup together with a financial planner. Be transparent about what’s being protected, no vague references, and talk about future changes. A prenup should reflect not just where you are now, but how your life might evolve together.
What if it’s already feeling off?
If you’re already in the thick of it and things feel off or uneven, don’t brush that feeling aside. This is the moment to slow down and reassess the dynamic. That might mean having an honest conversation about what’s shifted and making clear requests, like more time, a financial mediator, or support from a coach or a therapist.
And if it still feels wrong, give yourself space to step back and really dig into what is happening. Maybe talk with a trusted friend or your own individual coach or therapist. It might be a sign of deeper issues in the relationship that deserve your attention.
Final thoughts: How to co-create a prenup without railroading each other
A prenup isn’t just a legal document; it’s a relationship conversation in contract form. And how that conversation unfolds matters just as much as what’s on the page.
To create a prenup that supports your relationship, both partners need to feel like full participants, not passive or coerced recipients. That means slowing the process down when required, naming the emotions that come up, and recognizing where power might be uneven.
The most beneficial prenups come from collaboration. They’re built on clarity, mutual respect, and the belief that both people’s needs, contributions, and fears are worth taking seriously. Because at the end of the day, a prenup isn’t just about planning for what happens if things go wrong; it’s a chance to build a stronger foundation for a shared life.
Anna Howerton is a double-certified Relationship Coach who helps individuals and couples navigate relationships in crisis—whether they’re fighting to save a marriage or rebuilding after divorce. With undergraduate degrees in Psychology and Political Science from UNC Chapel Hill, she brings a rare mix of academic insight and real-world leadership experience, including 18 years leading global talent teams, serving as a Senior Admissions Counselor at The Wharton School, UPenn and as Chief of Staff at a growth-stage company that scaled from zero to hundreds of millions in revenue in just three years. Based in Raleigh, NC, and Orange County, CA, Anna works virtually and in person with clients nationwide.
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