Here’s the thing about prenuptial agreements—when you strip away the stereotypes, they’re not just about protecting assets if a marriage ends. They’re about the conversations and decisions you make before and after the document is signed. Those moments can be some of the best opportunities to strengthen your relationship (not just safeguard each other financially, and they can give your marriage a real boost in the long run.
In the pages ahead, we’ll dig into why a prenup doesn’t have to be a romance killer, the emotional roadblocks that trip couples up, how to approach the conversation without turning it into a fight, and why the process itself can actually make your relationship stronger.
Thought #1: A prenup does not (automatically) mean you’re getting divorced
Let’s say it louder for the people in the back: A prenuptial agreement does not mean that your marriage is doomed. That’s like saying getting car insurance is jinxing yourself for an accident. Or having health insurance is a bad omen. We do so many things in our daily lives to protect ourselves and our loved ones against worst-case scenarios, so why should a marriage be any different? A prenup itself does not predict disaster; in fact, if done well, it can help decrease the chances of that occurring. It’s a part of responsible life planning.
Thought #2: Prenups get a bad rep, because they focus on conversations couples usually want to avoid
The quickest way to doom a (healthy) marriage? Avoidance. Prenups are a force factor for couples to dig into topics they’d rather not. And the easiest way to avoid something is to devalue it. But what could be more valuable for a relationship than talking about:
- Money histories and habits: How you each spend, save, and invest, and the baggage you bring from past experiences.
- Debt: Student loans, credit cards, mortgages. Who’s bringing what, and how will you manage it together?
- Career and family priorities: If one partner steps back from work to raise kids or follow the other’s job, how will you account for that financially? What are the expectations about moving for career advancement?
- Property: What happens to assets you bring into the marriage? How will you handle joint property later?
- Unexpected events: Illness, disability, or sudden financial changes, how will you navigate them?
Sure, you can (and many people have) gotten married without talking explicitly about these topics. But these are the topics that will show up in any relationship, whether you plan for them to or not; and left unspoken you’re going to see power struggles and resentment.
Thought #3: Prenups bring up relational baggage, and that’s okay
Talking about a prenup (or even just thinking about it) can stir up a lot of old emotional baggage from past relationships. For some, it’s the fear of mistrust, like the very idea of a prenup means their partner doesn’t believe in them. For others, it’s about inequality; if there’s a big gap in income or assets, the partner with less might feel like they’re stepping into the marriage already on uneven ground. Then there’s the fear of conflict, where both people avoid the conversation entirely because it feels like it could blow up into a fight. And sometimes, it’s the fear of being blindsided later—worrying the prenup might leave them financially exposed if things don’t work out.
These fears are valid. Dismissing them is a surefire way to make them worse. The key is slowing down and addressing the emotion before you get into the nitty-gritty of paperwork.
Thought #4: A prenuptial agreement is a relationship skills test
How you handle the prenup is a preview of how you’ll handle any major life negotiation; think parenting, buying a home, career changes, or caregiving. Prenups check if you both can:
- Speak openly about your fears.
- Listen without defensiveness.
- Compromise without resentment.
- Make decisions based on shared values.
And if you can’t, a prenup is helping you build that skill set, or at least sending you a signal you need to learn how to. These skills won’t just get you through a prenup, but through the next decades of marriage.
Thought #5: The process matters as much as the result
You can have the most “fair” prenup in the world on paper, but if the process to get there was rushed, one-sided, or full of power plays, the emotional fallout can linger long after.
If one partner feels silenced, pressured, or shut out, the document becomes a symbol of mistrust instead of security. So, make sure both of you have equal access to information, time to review with your own legal counsel, and space to ask questions without feeling rushed. Respect the emotional reactions that come up, even if they slow the process down (so start sooner rather than later!).
Thought #6: A prenup can help a couple align their values
Instead of diving straight into “who gets what,” think about a prenup as a way to ask bigger questions about your personal values and your values as a couple (all those areas in Thought #2 above). When you take time to map out your values, the prenup becomes less about “who gets what” and more about building a financial plan that reflects your vision as a couple. And that can be a strong anchor for you as you start the next chapter in your life.
Thought #8: There are times a prenup is a red flag
A prenuptial agreement is a tool, so the prenup itself isn’t the red flag as much as how the process is done. Maybe it’s the way your partner approaches the process, or maybe they refuse to give you time to review the agreement or seek independent advice. Maybe they insist on terms that would leave you without a safety net if you paused your career for marriage. They might avoid having honest conversations about money altogether, dismiss your concerns, or shut down your questions. If this is happening and, even with support, there are no changes, then it’s not really a prenup problem— it’s a relationship problem that’s worth addressing well before you walk down the aisle.
Final thoughts: What a relationship coach really thinks about prenups
At the end of the day, a prenuptial agreement is a tool to help couples, not pull them apart. Done with care, it forces (in a good way) couples to have the conversations they might avoid until they’re already knee-deep in conflict. It can surface values, clarify expectations, and strengthen your skills as a team.
Yes, it’s uncomfortable at times. But so are many of the most important conversations you’ll have in a marriage, so why wait? Use all the tools in your toolbox to build a strong foundation for a lasting marriage.
Anna Howerton is a double-certified Relationship Coach who helps individuals and couples navigate relationships in crisis—whether they’re fighting to save a marriage or rebuilding after divorce. With undergraduate degrees in Psychology and Political Science from UNC Chapel Hill, she brings a rare mix of academic insight and real-world leadership experience, including 18 years leading global talent teams, serving as a Senior Admissions Counselor at The Wharton School, UPenn and as Chief of Staff at a growth-stage company that scaled from zero to hundreds of millions in revenue in just three years. Based in Raleigh, NC, and Orange County, CA, Anna works virtually and in person with clients nationwide.
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