By Marcia J. Mavrides, Top Boston Divorce Attorney
After 41 years of practicing family law (also known as divorce law), I’ve seen a lot. I have worked with couples at their most vulnerable points when litigating complex divorce actions, child custody battles, and everything in between. Through all these years, I’ve also picked up a thing or two about relationships that go far beyond the legal aspects of marriage.
1. It’s Not Just About Communication—It’s About Healthy Communication
I have said this phrase countless times to my clients over the years: Communication is the key to a successful relationship. And while that’s true, it’s not just about talking; it’s about how you talk. Healthy communication means creating an environment where both partners can speak openly but also feel truly heard and respected. Healthy communication is about more than words and must be done with understanding and empathy.
For example, imagine you’re having a disagreement about household chores. It’s easy for things to escalate into a blame game: “You never help out!” or “I’m always doing everything!” This type of communication creates a defensive response, where each partner just feels attacked and misunderstood. Healthy communication, on the other hand, would look like both partners taking the time to express their feelings calmly and listen to each other’s perspectives. One might say, “I feel overwhelmed when I come home after a long day, and the house isn’t tidy, and I need help with the chores.” The other partner could respond with, “I didn’t realize it was bothering you so much. Let’s figure out a way to share the responsibility more evenly.” This approach acknowledges the emotions behind the problem and opens the door to finding a solution rather than letting resentment build up.
Another example could be about finances. Many couples avoid discussing money, thinking it will just cause stress or conflict, but avoiding those tough conversations can be even more damaging. If one partner is making a big purchase without consulting the other, it can lead to feelings of betrayal or mistrust. Instead of letting those feelings fester, healthy communication would involve sitting down together and discussing the purchase: “I know we’ve been saving for a vacation, but I saw a sale on something I’ve been wanting for a while. What do you think about using part of the savings for it?” This gives both partners a chance to voice their opinions, set priorities together, and come to a compromise rather than letting money-related tension grow.
It’s also important to approach sensitive topics with vulnerability and openness. When discussing difficult matters, like intimacy or emotional needs, it’s easy to become defensive or avoid the topic altogether. Healthy communication means being able to express your feelings without fear of judgment or retaliation. For example, if one partner feels emotionally disconnected, they might say, “I’ve been feeling like we’re not as close lately, and I miss the time we used to spend together.” The other partner might initially feel defensive, but responding with curiosity and concern, rather than dismissiveness, fosters understanding: “I didn’t realize you felt that way, and I’m sorry. Let’s talk about how we can reconnect.”
Ultimately, healthy communication means that both partners feel safe to share their concerns, desires, and frustrations, and it allows space for vulnerability without fear of ridicule or anger. If you’re not able to talk through your issues in a way that’s respectful and understanding, it’s going to be hard to keep the relationship strong. Communication, when done right, creates a foundation of trust and intimacy that can weather the ups and downs of any relationship.
2. Conflict Isn’t the Problem—It’s How You Handle It
Every relationship will face conflict, whether it’s big or small. What I’ve learned over the years is that it’s not conflict itself that makes or breaks a relationship—it’s how you deal with it. In fact, conflict can be an opportunity for growth and understanding if handled correctly. The real challenge lies in how you approach and resolve those disagreements. Couples who can argue without attacking each other, who can disagree without making the other person feel less-than, are the ones who stand the test of time. The key is not to avoid conflict altogether but to address it in a way that nurtures the relationship instead of damaging it.
For example, let’s say one partner is upset because the other is working late and not spending enough quality time together. Instead of launching into an accusatory or defensive response, a healthy way to approach this might be for the upset partner to say, “I’ve been feeling a little disconnected lately, and I miss spending time with you. Can we talk about how we can make that happen more often?” The other partner, who may have been unaware of the impact their late nights were having, could then respond empathetically, saying, “I didn’t realize you were feeling that way. I’ve been working a lot lately, but I’d love to find a way to balance it better. Let’s come up with a plan.” This type of conversation isn’t about winning or being right—it’s about understanding each other’s feelings and finding a solution that works for both people.
Another example could be a situation where one partner feels that the other isn’t helping enough with household responsibilities. Instead of saying what may feel right at the moment, like, “You never help around here!” which can make the other person feel attacked, a healthier approach would be something like, “I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed with the chores lately, and I need help. How can we divide things up so it feels more fair?” This approach communicates the issue without blaming or belittling the other person, which allows them to respond constructively rather than defensively.
It’s also important to remember that disagreements aren’t always about the issue at hand—they can often reveal deeper emotions, such as unmet needs or frustrations. For instance, during a disagreement about finances, a partner may react strongly not just because of the money but because they feel their partner doesn’t understand their anxiety around spending. In this case, a healthy way to handle the conflict would be to express those underlying feelings: “I get really anxious when we spend a lot because I’m afraid we won’t be able to save for the future. Can we talk about our goals together so I feel more secure?” This allows the partner to better understand the emotion behind the reaction, which can help prevent unnecessary escalation.
Conflict, when approached with patience and respect, can actually bring couples closer together. It’s when conflicts are handled poorly—when one person feels invalidated, unheard, or disrespected—that the real damage occurs. Yelling, name-calling, or stonewalling only drive wedges between partners. But if both people can stay calm, express their feelings without attacking, and be open to compromise, they can emerge from a disagreement stronger and more connected.
The bottom line is that conflict is inevitable in any relationship. But it’s not the presence of conflict that matters—it’s how you handle it. If you approach disagreements with a mindset of respect, patience, and a willingness to work through issues together, you’ll find that conflict doesn’t need to be something that tears you apart. In fact, it can be a powerful opportunity for growth, understanding, and deeper connection.
3. Money Issues Are About More Than Just Dollars and Cents
One of the biggest stressors in relationships is money. But here’s the thing: it’s not always about how much you have—it’s about how you manage it and how you communicate about it. In my practice, I’ve seen financial stress tear couples apart, not because they were struggling to make ends meet, but because they didn’t have honest conversations about their money. Money, as mundane as it may seem, often touches on deeper, more emotional issues—things like trust, control, and security. Whether it’s how you spend, save, or handle debt, money can reveal a lot about the dynamics of a relationship. When couples aren’t open or transparent about finances, it can breed anxiety, resentment, and even distrust. But when both partners are on the same page and communicate openly, it can strengthen the relationship in ways that go beyond just paying the bills.
For example, imagine a couple where one partner is a big spender while the other is more frugal. The spender might think that their partner is too controlling or uptight, while the more frugal partner might feel that their spouse is irresponsible or selfish. If these differences aren’t addressed early on, they can snowball into serious issues. But a couple that sits down and has an open conversation about their financial values—why one partner likes to spend on experiences, while the other feels more comfortable saving—can reach a compromise. Perhaps they decide to set a monthly budget that allows for some discretionary spending while still saving for long-term goals. This kind of transparency about money helps avoid resentment because both partners understand where the other is coming from and can find common ground.
Another common issue is how to handle debt. One partner might come into the relationship with student loans, credit card debt, or even a mortgage, while the other may be debt-free or more financially secure. Without communication, this disparity can lead to misunderstandings. For instance, the partner with debt may feel embarrassed or defensive about their financial situation, while the partner without debt might feel frustrated by what seems like a lack of responsibility. However, when both partners have an honest conversation about debt—how it was accumulated, what it will take to pay it off, and how it impacts their joint financial goals—they can work together as a team. Whether it means taking on a larger share of expenses while one person focuses on paying down debt, or finding ways to reduce spending together, the key is transparency and shared responsibility.
There are also situations where one partner may earn significantly more than the other, which can lead to feelings of inequality or resentment. The higher-earning partner might feel burdened by having to cover a larger share of the expenses, while the lower-earning partner might feel guilty or ashamed of their income. In this case, it’s crucial to have a conversation about what feels fair and sustainable. Perhaps the couple agrees to split expenses based on income, or they set aside money for joint goals, like vacations or a future home. By discussing finances openly, they can create a system that works for both of them, alleviating any feelings of inequality.
But beyond these practical examples, money can also symbolize deeper emotional concerns. For instance, one partner’s reluctance to talk about finances could be rooted in a fear of losing control or a belief that discussing money is inherently stressful. On the other hand, the partner who spends freely might be using shopping or spending as a way to cope with emotional stress or insecurity. Money conversations, therefore, aren’t just about the numbers; they are an opportunity to explore underlying beliefs and emotional patterns. A couple that understands the emotional triggers behind each other’s financial behavior can approach the topic with empathy and support.
Being open and transparent about finances can strengthen your relationship in ways that go beyond just paying the bills. It builds trust, fosters teamwork, and helps you avoid misunderstandings that could lead to resentment or conflict. It’s also important to remember that money isn’t just about earning or spending—it’s also about values, priorities, and the future. Couples who can navigate their financial conversations with honesty and respect will likely have a more solid foundation, because they’ve learned to handle one of the most challenging and emotionally charged aspects of their relationship together.
In Conclusion
Over the years, one thing has become abundantly clear to me: healthy, lasting relationships are built on more than just love and affection—they require communication, respect, and the ability to navigate challenges together. As I’ve seen in my practice, couples who thrive don’t shy away from conflict; they handle it with patience, understanding, and a willingness to compromise. They understand that disagreements don’t have to lead to division, but can instead bring them closer when approached with the right mindset.
Healthy communication is at the heart of every strong relationship. It’s not just about talking, but about listening and understanding. When both partners feel heard and respected, even the toughest conversations become opportunities for growth, not sources of resentment. Similarly, when it comes to money, it’s not about how much you have—it’s about how you manage it and how you discuss it. Financial stress can reveal deeper emotional issues, but it can also be an opportunity to build trust, understanding, and a shared sense of responsibility.
Ultimately, relationships are about teamwork—handling conflict together, communicating openly, and addressing issues head-on. Life will always present challenges, but how you navigate them as a couple will define your relationship’s strength and longevity. If you can approach each challenge with empathy, transparency, and mutual respect, you will not only overcome obstacles but grow closer in the process. Relationships take work, but with the right tools and mindset, they can stand the test of time.
With over 41 years of experience, Marcia Mavrides is widely recognized as one of Boston’s top divorce lawyers. Throughout her illustrious career, she has built a reputation for providing compassionate, strategic, and effective legal representation for clients navigating complex divorce and family law matters. Whether guiding clients through high-net-worth and complex divorce cases or advocating for the protection of family assets, Marcia’s unparalleled expertise continues to set her apart in the Massachusetts legal community.
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