Self-care has become one of those buzzwords that is now met with adamant support or disdain. But no matter your initial reaction to the phrase, the core intention underneath holds—it’s defined as providing adequate care and attention to your own physical and mental wellness.
Now, you likely know the usual self-care recommendations for yourself – exercise, eat well, sleep, find time to do things you like, meditate… But what changes when we talk about self-care as a couple? Is it the same thing but with your partner?
Well, not exactly. There are similarities and differences when you look at self-care as a couple. What is the same is the benefit – taking care of yourselves as a unit has an enormous impact. Interested in learning how to jumpstart a self-care routine(s) and boost your well-being as a couple? Read on!
What is self-care in relationships?
Let’s be honest here: self-care is not easy. It can be a struggle to prioritize and incorporate it into our daily lives. So, it often becomes exponentially more challenging when you try to do it with two busy lives. And it’s just as, or even more, beneficial.
Self-care in relationships is about building mutual support and shared experiences; it involves increasing the mental and physical health of each partner individually to improve the “health” of the relationship. I like to break it down into the following areas:
- Communication
- Connection
- Love
- Boundaries
- Physical Health
Step 1: Communication
You know communication is key, but it’s not a “set it and forget it” deal! As your relationship grows, your communication needs to grow with it. Here’s why it’s important to stay attuned:
- Life Changes, Communication Changes: Big life events, personal growth… these all impact how you communicate as a couple.
- Understanding Your Styles: Are you direct? More passive? Does your partner mirror your style, or are you opposites? Recognizing this dynamic is essential.
- Taking Your Relationship’s Pulse: Do a quick check-in:
- Quality: On a scale of 1-5, how satisfied are you with your communication lately?
- Style: Can you identify your own communication style? Your partner’s? Clash or Harmony? Where do your styles mesh well, and where do they cause friction?
- Frequency: Are you talking about the important things often enough?
- Red Flags: Scores below 3, or lots of style clashes, signal it’s time for a communication tune-up!
Step 2: Connection
What’s the glue that holds your relationship together? It’s your emotional connection—that deep bond that goes beyond daily life routines. Think of it as the foundation of a healthy, happy relationship. Here’s how to fortify your bond:
- Shared Experiences: Carve out time for fun activities together! Try new things, revisit favorite spots, or simply laugh and unwind over a delicious meal.
- Celebrate Shared Values: What matters most to you both? Discuss your values (honesty, family, compassion…) and find ways to support those values within the relationship.
- Be mindful of changes: Remember, your connection isn’t static. Keep communication open as you both grow and change.
- Reflect: You can also ask yourself these questions:
- What first drew you to each other?
- When do you feel the most connected to your partner?
- When do you feel most disconnected?
Step 3: Love
Defining love might seem like a fluffy concept, but it’s actually a crucial step in strengthening your relationship. How do you personally define love? Is it acts of service, thoughtful gifts, quality time, or words of affirmation? Understanding how you give and receive love is essential for keeping your “love battery” charged.
Here are some ways to make this a priority:
- Open Dialogue: Talk to your partner! Share how you define love and what makes you feel loved.
- Learn the 5 Love Languages: Explore the concept of “love languages” together (https://www.5lovelanguages.com/). This can help you understand and appreciate each other’s ways of giving and receiving love.
- Make Time for Romance: Even amongst busy lives, set aside intentional time to nurture your bond. Revisit how you fell in love and rediscover each other as you are today.
- Questions to Guide Your Exploration:
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- How do I define love?
- How do I prefer to receive love?
- How might my partner prefer to receive love?
Step 4: Boundaries
Boundaries are essential in all relationships, but navigating them as a couple requires a unique approach. What kind of boundaries do you share as a unit? Have you ever discussed this openly? If not, now’s the time! Here’s why:
- Proactive Protection: Clear boundaries shield your relationship from external pressures like demanding family members or overbearing friends.
- United Front: Defining your boundaries together builds a sense of teamwork and shared understanding.
- Types of Boundaries: Think beyond just time commitments. Consider emotional boundaries (what kind of support you offer others), physical boundaries (your comfort levels), and even financial boundaries (how you handle money as a couple).
- Questions for Reflection:
- What drains our energy as a couple? (Specific people, situations, etc.)
- What individual boundaries are non-negotiable for each of us?
- Where do our boundaries overlap?
- How will we communicate our shared boundaries to others?
- How will we back each other up when a boundary needs to be enforced?
Step 5: Physical Health
Okay, so this is the same for yourself as it is for you as a couple. How you physically feel impacts your mental well-being and vice versa. Giving to the relationship and your partner is difficult if you are not physically healthy. Prioritize your physical health as a couple – assess your nutrition, level of physical activity, and sleep patterns. Building new habits or making changes can be easier together.
Assess your current physical health as a couple by asking:
- On a scale from 1 to 10, how would we rate our physical health as a couple?
- What feels more lacking – physical activity, nutrition, or sleep?
- What feels the most important to focus on right now?
More Self-Care Strategies as a Couple
After discussing your current level of couples self-care, you’re ready to start making changes! I always remind my clients to start with one change/goal—don’t try to change everything simultaneously. This is a marathon; the goal is to build healthy habits that sustain over time. Here are some strategies to help jump-start the process for you and your partner.
- Schedule a time to check in with each other. Five minutes in the morning before you get ready for the day, or five minutes when you both arrive home to decompress with each other.
- Learn or do something new together. Facing a (fun) challenge and supporting each other allows you the opportunity to connect, experience a range of emotions, and feel accomplished.
- Do a value care sort together. Share your top five values right now. It’s okay for them to be the same or completely different!
- Find time to do something physical together. Go for a walk, learn to rock climb… whatever it is, build a strong body together.
- Give yourselves a dose of nostalgia. Remember why you feel in love in the first place and/or remind yourselves of a positive memory. Maybe it’s re-living your first date, going back to a special location, or looking at videos/pictures together to reminisce.
- Learn each other’s love language. Learn how each other wants to receive love and do it once a day or once a week. Practice making requests of each other. Examples include, “I would like to receive love through acts of help – things like putting the dishes away because I’m too exhausted after work” or “I would love to have more time to cuddle – can we spend time on the couch together before bed.”
- Prioritize intimacy. Now, intimacy doesn’t automatically mean sex, so talk to each other and be clear on what intimacy means for each of you. Intimacy, especially sexual intimacy, is often a big part of self-care for a relationship. Don’t be share in exploring what may be blocking this specific connection or to share what you want more or less of.
- Create healthier sleep patterns together. Do you find yourself engaging in bad sleep hygiene habits? Things like both being on your phones before bed? Try something new together, like removing phone use the hour before bed (and getting to bed with enough time to get a good amount of sleep).
- Get quality time together. If it’s been hard, don’t be afraid to schedule it! Blocking off an hour of your calendar to have dinner together may seem silly initially, but it communicates to you both that you’re prioritizing the relationship.
Conclusion
At first glance, self-care can be seen as a luxury, but in reality, it is a necessity for a long-term, healthy marriage. Each one of these practices strengthens your connection with your partner and decreases the likelihood that you unintentionally drift apart. It’s preventative care and a lot of fun once you build it into your relationship. Remember, investing in yourselves now can bring substantial future returns!
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about Self-Care for Couples
Q: Is self-care really that important? What happens if I don’t do it?
A: Will your marriage fall apart immediately if you don’t practice self-care as a couple? Probably not. But will the absence of this self-care make it easier for arguments, life stressors, and miscommunication to significantly impact your relationship? Very likely. Putting in a little more effort today will save you from having to spend a substantial amount of time and effort in the future to repair the relationship.
Q: How do I know if I need to prioritize self-care in my relationship?
A: The easy answer is – you do. No matter how strong a relationship is, a couple’s self-care is beneficial. However, signs you may experience that suggest more urgency to implement these are feeling distance in your relationship, being more irritable with your partner, or feeling stressed or overwhelmed.
Q: How do prenups play a role in a couple’s self-care?
A: What does a prenuptial agreement have to do with self-care as a couple? Well, it can provide a framework for navigating potential stressors and conflicts and also sets the stage for having essential conversations about values and boundaries. Nor sure how to approach this topic with your partner? Check out my advice here.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is the Founding Psychologist at Pace Groups. She is also a licensed clinical psychologist who has dedicated her career to improving the lives of clients across the lifespan. Background-wise, she’s been trained and worked in academic centers and hospitals (Stanford, Harvard, UCLA, Kaiser and Rady Children’s), and utilizes evidence-based treatments and research to enhance non-clinical, supportive services.
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