There are few things that shake a relationship to its core like betrayal. Whether it’s an affair, financial deceit, or emotional duplicity, when trust is broken, everything shifts. All you’ve known comes into question; not only your partner, but your own sense of reality, judgment, and worth.
But rebuilding is possible. And not in a “forgive and forget” kind of way. Rebuilding trust involves establishing a new foundation for your relationship, a complex and layered process. It’s a long-term process—one that involves deep emotional labor from both people, not just the one who caused the harm. In this article, we’ll examine the psychology behind betrayal, explore the research on rebuilding trust, and identify the steps that actually help couples move forward after a rupture.
The psychological impact of betrayal
When you’re on the receiving end of betrayal, the act itself isn’t the only thing that hurts; it’s also what the betrayal represents. An affair might symbolize abandonment or validate a fear of being unlovable. A hidden bank account can evoke feelings of rejection or shame. And for any of this, a betrayal tears a hole through a person’s sense of safety in a relationship.
Studies show that betrayal causes symptoms similar to trauma, especially when the betrayed partner didn’t see it coming. In fact, some researchers frame it as a specific form of relational trauma. One study found that women who had been betrayed by infidelity experienced symptoms similar to those of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), including hypervigilance, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts.
Betrayal in a relationship (especially such as infidelity) is sometimes an attachment injury. And that is because the betrayal hits at the core of your attachment system, where your sense of emotional and physical safety with a partner is.
So, if you find yourself obsessively checking your partner’s location, crying at random times, or feeling like you’re “losing it,” know that your nervous system is only trying to protect you. That the betrayal activated your protective instincts.
What the research says about rebuilding trust
Rebuilding trust isn’t just about apologizing and making promises. It’s also about creating new experiences to rebuild the trust lost, and that can “counter” the betrayal. Because, let’s be honest, the last core experience and memory one partner has is one that tells them they can not trust the other; so they need new “data” to be able to fight back those instincts to protect themselves and not believe the other partner.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Donald Baucom and his colleagues developed an empirically supported therapy model for recovering from affairs. Their 3-phase approach emphasizes the following stages:
- Impact: Creating space to express and validate the pain caused by the betrayal. This is not the time to rush forgiveness.
- Meaning: Exploring why the betrayal happened. This doesn’t justify it—but it helps create context and accountability.
- Moving forward: Developing new patterns of trust, communication, and emotional safety.
This research suggests that couples who take the time to thoroughly process the betrayal are more likely to develop stronger, more honest relationships in the aftermath.
What actually helps rebuild trust
Let’s get concrete. Here’s what really works:
- Take full accountability: The betraying partner has to be ready to take accountability repeatedly, not partially, not defensively, and not one-time. To rebuild trust, the partner who broke it must rebuild that foundation, and that takes repetition, because the other partner (validly) won’t trust the apology for some time. By clearly naming the harm done, expressing genuine remorse, and being willing to hold their pain without getting reactive.
- Provide transparency: What will help rebuild trust? Transparency. And what that looks like depends on the nature of the betrayal. For infidelity, that may be access to another partner’s social media. For hidden use of substances, it may be an open discussion about the recovering partner’s attendance at AA or therapy sessions. The key is to remember that, although it may feel like it, this is not a punishment. This is providing data for the other partner to recalibrate what they can and can’t trust. Over time, these practices can fade as trust is restored.
- Give space to grieve—and be angry: One of the most overlooked parts of trust recovery is the grieving process. The partner who was hurt is often grieving not just what happened, but what they thought they had. And grief never moves in a straight line. Allowing that process to unfold (without being rushed) can actually accelerate emotional healing in the long term. The hurt partner gets to decide what is needed for healing.
- Couples therapy helps—but only with the right fit: Not all therapy is created equal. Good therapy is about finding the right fit—a fit with personality, goals, and the situation. For post-betrayal work, the best fit is often a therapist who understands trauma, attachment, and systems, not just communication skills. For example, one study looked at how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helped couples recovering from attachment injuries move toward forgiveness and emotional reconnection.
If you’re seeking support, try looking for a therapist with training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or the Gottman Method.
- Talk about a plan moving forward: Trust isn’t rebuilt by words alone, but through consistent action, structure, and shared accountability. For couples who’ve experienced betrayal, this often means establishing new agreements that protect the relationship and create clarity around what’s expected going forward. This is where a postnuptial agreement can be an incredibly powerful tool—not just legally, but relationally. A well-crafted postnup can outline financial transparency, behavioral expectations (such as sobriety, fidelity, or boundaries with outside relationships), and shared commitments that reflect your current reality, not just past promises.
Ineffective coping strategies
Let’s talk about a few common missteps that feel like a solution, but more often than not, they can set you back.
- Forcing forgiveness too quickly: Whether it’s the person seeking forgiveness or the person offering it, this may feel like progress, but when it’s done too quickly, it bypasses the necessary emotional work required to truly heal the relationship.
- Blame-shifting or mutualizing: Those comments like “We both made mistakes,” or “We both had a hand in getting here.” While that can generally be true, the rupture at hand is the betrayal. Conflating it with other general marital issues at this time derails the process. Other marital and underlying issues can be addressed later in the process (and they’re still essential to address).
- Emotional numbing: Many may react to a situation like this by protecting themselves, often by “moving on” or shutting down and pretending it doesn’t matter. While that may bring temporary relief, the feelings are still there and will rise up at some point.
- Using time as the only tool: Time is powerful and helps when it’s used with intention. However, if time is used as avoidance, or too much time passes without real effort, resentment can solidify, and trust will be that much harder to regain.
Healing takes more than time or good intentions. Avoid shortcuts that may feel safe, but keep you stuck.
When trust can’t be rebuilt
Esther Perel often notes that healing from betrayal isn’t about returning to who you were, but rather about constructing something new and more authentic. Healing after betrayal doesn’t always mean staying together. In the process of rebuilding trust, one or both partners may realize that things aren’t meant to continue on.
That doesn’t mean that the process of attempting to rebuild trust is not powerful. In doing so, both partners may be able to fully process the event and move forward without the emotional baggage.
However, for certain types of betrayal, it may be safer (both physically and emotionally) to step away from the relationship immediately—especially when there’s ongoing deception, manipulation, or any form of abuse that threatens your well-being.
Final thoughts: Rebuilding trust after betrayal is slow—but possible
There’s no shortcut after a betrayal in the relationship. But there is a path. A path that’s backed by research and the experience of real couples. The most important takeaway? Trust is not a feeling—it’s a practice. A series of consistent behaviors over time. If both people are willing to engage with the pain, take real accountability, and co-create safety, trust can be rebuilt.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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