“If you really trusted and loved me, you wouldn’t need a prenup.” It’s a phrase that’s haunted countless couples—and one that completely misses the point.
Prenuptial agreements have long been misunderstood as cold, transactional, or a signal that someone’s already planning for a breakup. But that perception is changing fast. More modern couples are realizing that a well-crafted prenup isn’t a trust-breaker. It’s a trust-builder.
In this article, we’ll explore exactly how prenups build trust—from honoring individual autonomy and setting shared goals, to building security through structure and flexibility. We’ll unpack the psychological dynamics of trust, share real-world examples, and offer ways to make the prenup process more than just financial logistics, but one of the most one of the most connective experiences in your relationship.
The myth about prenups
Before we dive into how to use a prenup to build trust, let’s make sure we’re on the same page. A prenup is sometimes considered inherently pessimistic, as if it assumes the relationship will fail. To build trust in the process, we have to dispel this belief. A prenup is planning for the unpredictability of life; just because something could happen doesn’t mean that you want or expect it to happen.
Prenups tap into a deeper psychological bias: the idea that talking about worst-case scenarios makes them more likely. Our anxiety can sometimes link two things together inappropriately. But here’s the truth: thinking or saying something aloud doesn’t make it happen. Don’t believe me? Say you’re a billionaire right now and see if your bank account changes!
A prenup is about creating clarity and structure, not forecasting doom. That clarity can open the door to what prenups are really focused on:
- What are our shared financial goals?
- How do we conceptualize fairness?
- What do we each bring to the relationship, and how do we want that recognized?
Now, let’s discuss how trust shows up in a relationship.
What does trust look like in a relationship?
Trust is often viewed as all or nothing—you either trust someone or you don’t. But trust isn’t that simple.
First, let’s look at how trust is really built: through repeated experiences of reliability, emotional attunement, and mutual respect. Trust means having consistent examples of your partner prioritizing your needs, even when it may be inconvenient or uncomfortable. It’s also those moments when your partner helps you feel secure enough to be vulnerable, unjudged, and heard.
And how is that security built? Not through perfection—because we’re human, and we all mess up. Trust is built through repair. Or, in non-therapist speak, how we come back and fix things when we hurt each other. In healthy relationships, trust is forged in the small, daily moments—not just big gestures.
Ways to build trust through a prenup
Let’s be honest: poorly executed prenups can damage a relationship’s trust, especially if one partner steamrolls the other or if legal advice is lopsided. So, what are concrete ways to build confidence in the prenup process? Let’s look at some real-life-inspired examples.
Example #1: Support for stay-at-home parents
We wrote in our prenup that if one of us pauses our career to care for kids, they’ll get compensation if we divorce through a lump sum clause.
Why this builds trust: This provision honors unpaid labor—which often goes unnoticed and disproportionately affects women. It reflects the belief that both partners’ contributions (financial or otherwise) are recognized and valued. It helps build trust by reinforcing that the effort each person puts into building your family and life together will be acknowledged, no matter what life throws at you.
Example #2: Mediation clause
We included a clause that says we’ll go to mediation before involving lawyers if we ever split.
Why this builds trust: While it’s uncomfortable to think about a future apart, this mindset can actually reduce anxiety. Couples gain clarity about how they’ll handle conflict by addressing common and realistic scenarios up front. This also reinforces a shared commitment to resolving problems collaboratively; in other words, you both want to exhaust all avenues of support before divorce.
Example #3: Determining business interests and income
We’re protecting my small business, but I agreed to share future revenue if it grows past a certain amount.
Why this builds trust: This is an example of a compromise in a real-world scenario. It acknowledges both one partner’s premarital assets and that the continued success of the business will likely rely on shared sacrifice: emotional labor, time, and a need for flexibility. It decreases any sense of one person taking advantage of another, while also setting up a collaborative mindset of “If one of us wins, we both win.”
Example #4: Protecting inheritance while also sharing it
We put in a clause that protects my inheritance, but I also added that we’ll use it to buy a house together if we’re still married in 10 years.
Why this builds trust: This clause balances individual autonomy with shared vision. It respects boundaries around inherited wealth (often a sensitive topic), while integrating that resource into a joint future. It’s also a great example of differentiation—the ability to maintain a separate self while remaining emotionally connected. In short: “I’m protecting what’s mine, and I’m also investing in what’s ours.”
Example #5: Agreeing to revisit the prenup
We agreed to revisit our prenup every 5 years, kind of like a relationship check-in.
Why this builds trust: Trust is dynamic. This couple built in a way to reflect and revise their agreement as life evolves. Regular check-ins signal a growth mindset: the belief that both individuals—and the relationship itself—can improve over time. This planning also shows both your commitment to your relationship no matter what life throws at you in the future.
Final thoughts on how prenups can build trust
At its core, a prenuptial agreement is a legal tool—but it can also be a powerful emotional one. Rather than something to avoid, the prenup conversation can be a chance to practice healthy communication skills, understand each other’s fears and priorities, and co-author your financial story from day one.
Remember: trust isn’t built on perfection. It’s built through how couples show up for each other during (and after) moments of vulnerability, tension, and change; how you demonstrate care, fairness, and commitment even in the challenging moments, or how you make amends after.
So, consider how a thoughtful prenup might not just protect your assets but also strengthen your relationship. At the end of the day, navigating hard truths with care is one of the most powerful ways to build lasting trust in a relationship.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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