You and your partner have been living together long enough that your Amazon orders are now mysteriously merged, and no one is entirely sure who the vacuum cleaner belongs to. The groceries are a shared endeavor, as is the rent, and you’ve got a system for dividing up household chores that mostly works—except for that one dish left in the sink.
Maybe you’re getting questions about when (rather than if) you two are going to tie the knot, and… well, maybe that’s not what you want or need right now. Enter: the cohabitation agreement. It’s a document that outlines rights and obligations between a couple that isn’t married and doesn’t plan on getting married, similar to a prenuptial agreement, but without the whole wedding part.
Before you let your worries pull you into the (imaginary) worst-case scenario, let’s discuss why this conversation doesn’t have to be a disaster—and how to bring it up in seven steps.
Do we really need a cohabitation agreement?
Imagine this: Alex and Jordan have been living together for three years. They share a dog (Mochi), a car, and an apartment that Jordan owns, even though Alex pays half the rent. Alex has also invested time and money into renovating their home, including installing custom shelves that Jordan insisted they needed but never actually helped assemble. Everything is fine—until it’s not.
One day, the relationship runs its course, and things don’t end on a copacetic note. Jordan keeps the apartment (because it’s in their name), and Alex is left scrambling for a new place and is out all the money they spent on renovations. Mochi’s custody? That’s an emotional (and maybe even legal) nightmare.
What would have been different with a cohabitation agreement? These issues could have been addressed ahead of time, making the breakup significantly less chaotic. A cohabitation agreement isn’t about expecting a breakup either; it can also help set expectations and provide clarity for normal, everyday (financial) life together.
A cohabitation agreement is a legal document between two unmarried people who live together but don’t plan on getting married—or at least not anytime soon. For some couples, it may eventually turn into a prenup, but it doesn’t need to be a stepping stone. It works for couples who never plan to marry as much as it does for couples who are unsure about marriage. The areas covered in a cohabitation agreement are similar to those in a prenup—financial responsibilities, property ownership, and what happens if the relationship ends.
The TLDR? A cohabitation agreement ensures that both partners are on the same page—financially and legally—even without the legal binds of marriage.
How to get the cohabitation agreement conversation started
Let’s get into the seven steps you need to know to bring up a cohabitation agreement with your partner. Let’s dive in.
Step 1: Brainstorm your intentions
Have you ever tried teaching or explaining something you didn’t fully understand? Then you know it doesn’t set you up for success. Before bringing up a cohabitation agreement, think about your answer to the inevitable question… why do you want a cohabitation agreement?
Write it down. Say it aloud. Whatever helps you be clear on your own hopes and intentions for this agreement. Then, check in with yourself. Are these reasons aligned with the purpose of a cohabitation agreement? And can you frame them in a way your partner can understand and get behind? In other words, if your reasons for wanting an agreement are really because “I don’t trust them,” this may signal other issues to address first.
Step 2: Plan out the timing
It may seem like a “duh” step, but you’d be surprised how many times this gets overlooked. Underestimating your partner’s reaction or wanting to rip the bandaid off to start the process can set the conversation on the wrong foot.
Be intentional. Show your partner respect by choosing a time that allows them to process, ask questions (in private!), and feel more comfortable. Make sure you both have time to discuss—don’t just throw out the dreaded “we need to talk” and then rush off to work.
Step 3: Normalize the conversation with soft openers
Just like Goldilocks, you gotta find just the right amount of validation. Don’t minimize (“eh, this is nothing, don’t freak out”) or make a mountain out of a molehill (“We need to decide something that will change the course of our relationship”). Approach the topic with the same energy as other practical life decisions.
You might say something like:
- “I read an article about something called a cohabitation agreement, and I think it’d be interesting for us to talk about. It’s supposed to help couples avoid misunderstandings and financial stress… what do you think?”
- “I was thinking about our financial future and found a tool that could be cool. Have you heard of a cohabitation agreement?”
- “Remember how we were looking at that house? It got me thinking—do we want to explore tools like a cohabitation agreement? I heard that’s supposed to help couples be on the same page with things like this.”
What do these have in common? They’re all inviting a discussion rather than issuing a decree or causing extreme anxiety. This should be a collaborative effort, and setting the tone from the beginning will help ease you both into the process.
Step 4: Reframe it as positive
Your partner might initially react with concern: “Why? Do you think we’re going to break up?” Prepare yourself for this reaction, and remind yourself this is totally normal. It’s a sign that your partner values your relationship if they’re worried about it ending.
Validate that fear (“I can see why worries might crop up”) and reframe the function of the cohabitation agreement—plug in results from Step 1 here! Reassure your partner that this isn’t about predicting the end of your relationship; it’s about helping you both align your expectations and prepare for any scenario life may throw at you. The car insurance metaphor is always helpful:
“This isn’t about doubting us. It’s about making sure we’re both protected no matter what. It’s the same reason people have car insurance—not because they expect to crash, but because they want to be prepared.”
Step 5: Focus on mutual benefit
No one likes feeling trapped or forced into something, even if they agree with its premise. So, set yourselves up for success and approach this as the start of a collaborative discussion. The goal is not to present your partner with an agreement and convince them to sign it; it’s to bring up the idea and ask what your partner needs or wants included.
Thoughts like “I want us both to feel secure in what we contribute and what we share. This way if anything ever changes, we already have a plan that we both agreed to while we were in a good place” help highlight the focus on the agreement protecting you both equally.
Step 6: Call In professional support
Nowhere does it say you have to do this alone. If you’re feeling extremely nervous or recent situations in your life have made this conversation more complicated or delicate, seek the necessary support.
To help make one or both of you feel more confident and comfortable, consider:
- A lawyer: A lawyer can provide expert information about logistics, legal details, and questions to help guide your process.
- A financial advisor: Meeting with a financial advisor before and during can help you get a sense of what works best for both of you financially, as individuals, and as a couple—especially if one or both of you have property or businesses.
- A therapist: Before, during, or after—a therapist can be extremely helpful. They can assist with communication, problem-solving, and making requests. A therapist can also help process underlying relational issues or unresolved conflicts that may surface during this process.
Step 7: Know when to pause
At the end of the day, a cohabitation agreement is just another way to strengthen communication and trust. Sometimes the process may take longer than expected, and rushing it can do more harm than good. If a pause is needed—from a conversation or from the whole process—use it. A pause can give space to reflect, identify what each of you needs, and return to the conversation more productively.
How do you pause well? Try:
- Make your needs known as soon as possible and frame it as a request.
- Validate your partner when they ask for a pause. Don’t try to fight it or ask them to justify their request.
- Decide together when you’ll resume the conversation or check in. The more specific you can be, the more helpful it will be (e.g., “Let’s check back in on Saturday” vs. “Okay, we’ll talk more about this later”).
Taking these moments can minimize the chances of either of you saying or doing something you may regret.
Final thoughts on bringing up a cohabitation agreement to your partner
Bringing up a cohabitation agreement doesn’t mean you love your partner less. It means you love the life you’re building enough to want to protect it—and each other. A healthy relationship can hold both emotional intimacy and practical planning. Just like budgeting doesn’t ruin spontaneity, or planning a vacation doesn’t make it less fun, talking about a cohabitation agreement doesn’t weaken your bond. It strengthens it. So take a deep breath, know your reasons, and invite your partner into a conversation—not a confrontation. If you can survive assembling IKEA furniture together, you can absolutely handle this. Happy planning!
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
0 Comments