Social media is everywhere. It’s an ever-present aspect of daily life. In fact, we’re on social media for an average of 143 minutes a day (worldwide!) Social media has transformed how we communicate, share experiences, socialize, and learn. These platforms offer many benefits and present unique challenges, especially for couples.
Navigating social media and its impacts on a relationship isn’t easy; it often blurs the lines between our personal and public lives and can introduce stressors. Couples can protect their relationships from these strains by being proactive! The best way to do that is to understand how social media affects your relationship and the best tools to combat that.
What is social media?
Social media is a “form of electronic communication through which users create online communities to share information, ideas, personal messages, and other content (like videos).” That covers everything from Instagram and Discord to LinkedIn and Pinterest. While most people think of Instagram and Facebook as the classic social media platforms, it’s more than just that!
The impact of social media on relationships
Like most technology forms, social media can have both positive and negative effects. Let’s explore both sides of the coin.
Positive Effects of Social Media
Here are the good things about social media:
- Staying Connected. Social media allows couples to maintain contact throughout the day in various ways. Memes, funny videos, a quick video call… These all help strengthen the relational bond. Those small moments of contact during the day let the other know they’re being thought of.
- Connection across space. For long-distance relationships or those who travel often for work, social media helps bridge that geographical rift. Connected (via technology) helps them feel a part of the day-to-day, even when they can’t actively participate.
- Shared nostalgia. Posted photos and updates create a time capsule of the relationship that couples can remember fondly. Social media also increases the organic chance that couples look back on the past; for example, seeing old pictures on your Insta grid or memories popping up on your iPhone photo gallery. It’s definitely a significant upgrade from having to print out photos and put them in a photo album, which then hides away in a cabinet, forgotten…
- Support Networks. Couples and individuals can easily access supportive communities. These online communities (via social media) can provide a safe space, advice, validation, or encouragement in times of need.
- Communication Enhancement. Research has shown that there are many different ways humans communicate with each other. In that vein, social media has provided a novel way to communicate between partners. When used correctly, it can provide a platform for meaningful conversations or help couples express things that may be difficult to share face-to-face.
- Learnings. Social media has potential as an educational channel. When educators use social media, and consumers take in the information responsibly, then it’s a win! Social media can help provide information that can enhance each partner’s quality of life and the relationship—how to better communicate, when to seek support, or how to strengthen emotional connections.
Negative Effects of Social Media
Now… for the “bad” side of the coin.
- Comparison Trap. 5-star hotel trips, a surprise bouquet sent to work, the Trad wife making butter from scratch. The constant exposure to everyone’s highlight reel can be exhausting and, honestly, just messes with our sense of reality. Bite-sized moments of another couple’s “life” can easily trigger questions like, “Why isn’t my relationship like that?” or “Should that be something I have to do?!” Slipping into these comparisons can increase dissatisfaction within a relationship, unrealistic expectations, and increased anxiety or depression.
- Privacy Concerns. Oversharing is a real concern, and when one partner shares too much personal information, it can lead to breaks in relational trust. Couples may also differ in their values and definitions of what is “private” or “personal,” and that can cause friction in the relationship.
- Jealousy and Trust Issues. It’s normal for couples to experience moments of jealousy or distrust – after all, we’re all human! But social media can exacerbate those fears (with or without justification). Seeing a partner like a picture or leaving a comment on so-and-so’s page can spark feelings of insecurity or jealousy. The worry of micro-cheating also enters the picture.
- Distraction and Time Consumption. Phones have infiltrated all parts of our lives, with most of our time spent on social media. It’s gotten to the point that restaurants are questioning whether they should ban phones! Excessive use of social media can take time away from face-to-face interactions, decreasing emotional connection. Partners can feel neglected and build up resentment, all without the other partner realizing it because they’re sucked into their screens.
How to spot social media red flags
How do you keep social media from hurting your relationship? It is possible! Identifying warning signs early can help you address issues before they become significant problems. Here are some indicators to be on the lookout for:
- More arguing: Are you and your partner arguing more? Are the arguments triggered, focused on, or include social media use or behaviors?
- Less Face-to-Face: Are you spending less quality time with your partner? Look at a typical day – how often are you both on social media together or on your phones? When was the last time you talked without screens? If you’re noticing it’s been some time or the majority of your time includes a third wheel (social media), then it might be time to reassess your priorities.
- Feeling bad: Do you find yourself feeling bad about yourself or your relationship? Are you clicking on accounts of perfect couples or insane lifestyles done with ease, and just feeling sh*tty after? A red flag is that social media has moved into a harmful space.
- Secretive Behavior: Are you only using social media in the bathroom or changing passwords? Are you keeping the phone nearby or turning it off when the other partner is near? Hiding online activities or feeling the need to check your partner’s account may indicate trust issues.
- Emotional Distance: Do you find yourself feeling disconnected from your partner? Do you feel like you don’t know them anymore? Do you find it difficult to share your emotions? Are you turned off by them? If this emotional distancing is coupled with significant social media use (or an increase in use), there is a chance they’re connected.
How to mitigate the negative effects of social media
Other strategies to consider to help ensure your relationship is protected from social media:
Establish Boundaries
Here are some ways to set boundaries around social media:
- Set Time Limits: Agree on how much time you will spend on social media and set specific times when devices are put away. Use tools that track screen time or app usage.
- Define Privacy Levels: Openly and explicitly discuss what remains private and what should be shared regarding your social media usage. Do you both believe you should have each other’s logins? Are logins off limits, but is it okay to ask to see each other’s DMs? Being on the same page as early as possible will be crucial.
- To share or not to share? Discuss what private or personal information is and what is okay to share. Partners are likely to have different tolerances for how much is shared on social media, and it is important to understand and value each partner’s boundaries.
- Create No-Phone Zones: Designate areas and times that are no-phone/social media zones. Focus on each other or engage in an IRL activity to build emotional connections and memories.
Communicate Openly
Talk often and talk early. Don’t let worries or fears fester; encourage each other to raise concerns early on. Being open, honest, and curious will help create a sense of safety when talking about social media and your relationship, making it less likely to impact your relationship significantly. Also, consider sharing passwords if you’re comfortable, or be open to showing your social media accounts or behaviors. Find what works for you both to increase transparency while maintaining personal privacy.
Focus on Quality Time
While social media can be great for maintaining connections, make a conscious effort to prioritize face-to-face interactions. Do something new together or be couch potatoes together… whatever allows you to focus on each other without distractions. Also, you can try scheduling regular breaks from social media to reconnect with each other without digital distractions.
Cultivate Trust and Security
Foster a strong foundation of trust through consistent, honest communication and actions. Do what you say you’ll do both online and off. Reassure each other of your commitment to each other because insecurities in a relationship are normal! Validate those worries and help each other feel safe and secure. That can be done through verbal validations, physical touch, or time together.
Real-life scenarios and solutions
To better understand how social media impacts relationships, let’s explore some real-life scenarios couples often encounter and what they can do.
Scenario 1: The Comparison Trap
Situation: Every time Nancy goes on her Instagram, it seems like she sees one beautiful couple after another. Some are influencers she doesn’t know (well, she does know their morning beauty routines and what they eat every day), and others are real people in her life. She can’t help but long for the sweet gestures (a custom song about their relationship) or the grand gestures (a surprise trip to Bora Bora). She gets irritated at her partner so little things and questions her worth.
Solution:
- Find the connection: Nancy notices that her feelings of irritation, sadness, and anxiety increase during or soon after her social media use. To tie that together, she spends time thinking through what thoughts and feelings arise for her in those moments.
- Talk it out: Nancy shares those realizations with her partner—how the comparisons make her feel and why. She also takes the opportunity to make requests of her partner and opens up the discussion about what can realistically be changed in their relationship.
- Reality check: Together, they remind each other of the positive aspects of their relationship and that social media is curated.
- Limit Exposure: Nancy unfollows accounts that trigger negative feelings or mutes their stories/posts. She sets limits for her social media use, especially at times that intensify the effect, like before bed. She also looks into accounts and other social media channels, focusing on positivity and authenticity.
Scenario 2: Privacy Breach
Situation: Aviv feels uncomfortable with how much personal information his partner, Emily, shares about their relationship and life on social media. Emily values honesty and tends to post in gory detail about the good and the bad. While he appreciates her value-based behaviors, he doesn’t want everyone to know how the stress of his unemployment has impacted their sex life.
Solution:
- Share your feelings: Aviv first shares with Emily how he has been feeling. Finding a good time to talk, using a private & safe space, and relying on “I” statements, Aviv shares how these disclosures make him feel anxious, ashamed, angry, and embarrassed.
- Hear the other side: Aviv also makes space in the conversation to hear what drives Emily to share this information about their lives. Is it all tied to her drive to live an authentic life? How does she define this? He is also curious and open to how she feels about the situation.
- Make requests & set boundaries: Aviv and Emily discuss their comfort level, and each shares where their hard “no’s” are. Given their different levels of comfort, Aviv makes specific requests regarding boundaries, and Emily decides whether she can honor those. At the end of the discussion, both are on the same page regarding what is considered off-limits on social media and where their boundaries are.
- Plan B: Emily and Aviv also realize that this one conversation can’t cover all the possibilities that may come up. So, they agreed to talk to each other if there was ever a question about their post. They also agree that if one partner feels uncomfortable with a post, they can ask for it to be taken down, and that would be honored.
Scenario 3: Jealousy and Trust Issues
Situation: Conner feels jealous when his partner, Tom, interacts with other men online. He begins checking in on Tom’s account more and more, tracking all his comments, reactions, and follows. He soon begins to check Tom’s phone whenever Tom is out of the room. Conner’s worries and fears begin impacting their relationship; he’s snappy and irritable and begins making passive-aggressive comments. In turn, Tom begins to pull away and spend more time on social media.
Solution:
- Be curious: Conner takes some time to share his worries and fears with his therapist. In those discussions, his therapist notes that Conner has had several past relationships that were plagued by infidelity. Conner realizes that he is more in tune with behaviors that may indicate cheating and is triggered by these due to his experience.
- Open and honest: Conner shares these realizations with Tom and gets him caught up in all the fears and worries that he’s been experiencing. Tom, who had no idea, is touched by Conner’s vulnerability and listens without judgment. They both can share their points of view.
- Set boundaries to build trust: They talk about how they both use social media and the changes they would like to make. Questions like:
- Who do you follow?
- What pictures do you like or comment on?
- What is considered snooping, and what isn’t?
- What do you want to remain private?
- How much do we share about our relationship on social media?
They agree on behaviors to build trust and schedule regular check-ins.
- Date nights: Conner and Tom also realize that they both use social media to cope with life’s stressors and that this has impeded their quality time together. So, they decide to start off small and have one phone-free dinner together a week. This way, they’re sure to have time to connect with each other distraction-free.
Where a prenup can help
A prenup can’t help all of the issues listed above, but there is one way in which it can. In some states, with a prenup, you can include a Social Media clause, which states that neither party can post disparaging or humiliating content about the other, and if they do, they will have to pay the other a penalty fee. This basically prevents any sharing of content about the other that would be considered disrespectful. While it doesn’t solve all of the social media problems listed above, it can be one way to set a boundary with a partner before entering into a marriage, especially if one person is an avid social media user.
Conclusion on whether social media is bad
Social media isn’t innately a good or bad thing. It can be used to enhance a relationship or cause irreparable damage. Each couple should consistently ask themselves, “Is my current social media use hurting my relationship?” to help assess the impact. Be on the lookout for red flags (secretive behavior, decreased connection, mood changes) to help answer this question. From there, behaviors such as establishing boundaries, communicating openly, and prioritizing quality (IRL) time can help ensure that social media remains a positive influence in your lives.
Social media is ever-changing, so incorporating these strategies early on and consistently will help any couple navigate the complexities of social media and build a strong relationship foundation.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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