Ever heard of the “7 year itch”? It’s that age-old notion that after seven years of marriage, the spark starts to fade, and couples find themselves “itching” for a change (I.e., divorce). But is there any truth to this supposed seven-year curse? Or is it just an urban legend we’ve all come to accept?
Join us as we delve into the reality of the seven-year itch, exploring its origins, examining the evidence, and uncovering what you can do to keep your relationship thriving for years to come.
What is the 7 year itch?
POV: You’re newlyweds, happy and in love, enjoying the gradual weaving together of your lives and deepening your connection day by day. As time passes, however, the crispness of the marital experience slowly begins to dull and give way to increases in tension and doubts, and your partner appears to be experiencing the same thing. Maybe you even start to have serious crushes on other people. You begin to wonder if the relationship has simply expired…and you note that this shift becomes really noticeable roughly around the 7-year mark.
Enter “the 7-year itch”, which Psychology Today describes as follows:
“The basic idea behind the “seven-year itch” is that romantic partners experience turbulence and a potential point-of-reckoning around seven years together. Viewed as a critical juncture, the seven-year itch is defined as a time when couples re-evaluate: They either realize that their relationship isn’t working, or they feel deeply satisfied and committed to their relationship.”
As you can see, the 7 year itch is less of a curse and more of a point in time where many relationships tend to experience issues. This may be because after 7 years, the couple has had a few kids and life is a bit more stressful or they’ve been through enough together to have a pile on of problems.
Is it real? Yes and no.
According to some research, the 7-year-itch might be more aptly named ‘the 4-5-year itch’ because, in reality, divorce rates peak at around 4-5 years after marriage and then steadily decline. There are a few theories on why this happens. One interesting theory is that back in the day, females who changed partners after about four years may have been better able to vary the genetic makeup of their offspring. Four years would make sense because it’s enough time to work together through the most demanding first few years of raising a child before finding a new partner and starting over.
Another theory is that ‘time’ on its own does not account for declines in relationship satisfaction. Rather, trends in the timing of certain other factors could cause declines in relationship satisfaction. Some external stressors, such as family stress or financial stress, may peak at a particular interval (for example, a certain number of years after either marriage or getting together). If this is the case, it’s not time itself that’s the culprit, but simply that these external stressors loosely follow a particular timeline.
Identifying why you have the 7 year itch
No matter how many years it’s been, if you feel like your relationship is in a slump, you can adopt plenty of strategies to get past it. First, it’s important to understand the reasons that led to this state of affairs in the first place. Our friend and fellow family lawyer Raymond Hekmat notes four major causes behind the 7 year itch:
- Lack of communication,
- Miscommunication,
- Financial stress, and
- Declines in intimacy.
If you find yourself feeling like your relationship is stagnating or undergoing a lot of tension, the first step is to assess the cause, starting with an examination of whether any combination of these four factors might be feeding into your slump.
What to do about the 7 year itch
Now, let’s dive into what you can actually do about the 7 year itch if you’re feeling extra itchy, whether you haven’t gotten married yet or you are going on year 11 together.
Plan your marriage more than you plan your wedding
Engaged couples often feel so much stress from wedding planning that they don’t spend nearly as much energy on it, despite the fact that marriage planning is infinitely more important than having everything be perfect and impressing friends and family for one day. Make sure you make time to plan your marriage, especially the financial aspect of it. Ask yourselves:
- What are your spending and savings goals for 1, 2, 5, and 10 years down the line?
- How do you plan to allocate your assets–what will be shared, and what will be separate?
- What roles will you both have in managing finances and other aspects of your marriage?
- What insurance policies will you take out together?
- Do you know one another’s money personalities?
All of this and more can be covered in your prenup, which is one of your life’s most important, if not the most important, contracts. It will serve as a roadmap for your marriage and help you plan how to take care of yourselves and each other in case you ever divorce.
Practice straightforward communication
Unfortunately, many of us communicate too passively, aggressively, or passive-aggressively on important topics like money, children, family, intimacy, and more. Poor communication is the #1 driver behind many divorces. Practicing clear, direct, transparent communication may initially feel unnatural and very vulnerable, but it will be worth it in the long run. For example, let’s say one spouse changes their mind about the number of children they want to have during the marriage. They should make sure to communicate this to their spouse directly, but without being too harsh. They should practice empathy by using an understanding tone but also explaining their truths.
Invest in your relationship with couple’s therapy
If something is broken or even just not working to its full capacity, you consult a professional. Right? This applies to a leaky toilet, a slow or broken computer, or your health. If you broke your arm, you’d go to the doctor. If you got sick, you’d take some time off work. Why? Because you care about your health and want to take care of it–naturally. However, when it comes to our relationships, most people are reluctant to make the same investment because many feel a sense of shame around asking for relationship help. However, going to marriage therapy is just like going to the doctor, but for your relationship.
Talk to a friend
If you can’t afford or are otherwise reluctant about therapy but feel that your relationship is going through a rough patch, talk to a friend. Sometimes, when you’re in the thick of a stressful situation, it’s difficult to see it clearly. Sometimes, you can’t even see the ‘real’ problem from that viewpoint. Talking to a third party gives you the chance to see the situation objectively, which might help you gain clarity about what’s really going on. It also allows you to vent and unload your frustration and negative feelings before talking to your partner about them, which will make you substantially better equipped to have that conversation with your partner in a calm and clear way.
Write it down or speak it out
Sometimes, writing down your feelings also helps to confer clarity. It’s important to be completely honest when you write. What’s going on? How are you really feeling? Why do you feel that way? What do you love about your partner? What’s going wrong? Why is it going wrong? This practice can aid in finding solutions as well as unloading feelings so that a sense of lightness and clarity can come in.
The bottom line on the 7 year itch
While ‘the itch’ may be more likely to happen after 4-5 years, it varies by couple and can also come and go throughout a relationship in the form of lows and rough patches. Remember, a relationship slump does not have to spell the end. All relationships go through ups and downs, and as long as you’re proactive about getting to the root of the problem, a rough patch can lead to a sense of renewed closeness and deepened understanding in its aftermath.
Julia Rodgers is HelloPrenup’s CEO and Co-Founder. She is a Massachusetts family law attorney and true believer in the value of prenuptial agreements. HelloPrenup was created with the goal of automating the prenup process, making it more collaborative, time efficient and cost effective. Julia believes that a healthy marriage is one in which couples can openly communicate about finances and life goals. You can read more about us here Questions? Reach out to Julia directly at Hello@Helloprenup.com.
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