Wearing the pants in the family. Happy wife, happy life. Who holds the purse strings? Behind every great man is a great woman. The ball and chain.
These sayings are common in daily language, and all refer to the power dynamics in a relationship—that invisible force that shapes how a couple interacts. While the term “power dynamic” (and honestly, most of these sayings) may invoke thoughts of absolute control or dominance, it’s helpful to understand that these dynamics aren’t always negative. Power can be shared, balanced, or imbalanced; these variations are important to note.
Understanding the nature of power in relationships is essential for any couple, especially those ready to tie the knot. This article will break down power dynamics and how they affect your relationship and offer practical tips to help you reset and balance the dynamics over time.
What are the power dynamics in relationships?
Power dynamics in a relationship refer to how power is shared (or not shared) between partners. It can be the unspoken roles and influences each partner has over the other.
In early relationships, one partner may take the lead in initiating a first date or other “firsts.” As the relationship develops, one person may have more sway over how much time the couple spends together and future plans or timelines. With time, one partner may have more say in shared decisions. Power dynamics are eventually influenced and changed as couples navigate life changes—marriage, buying a home, children, or retirement.
Here are some other examples:
- Moneymaker: Financial control is a huge influence on power dynamics. How much a partner is making, how much they are bringing to the relationship, and who makes most of the financial decisions is powerful.
- Shotcaller: Is there one partner who makes most of the decisions? Or is there one that edges out the other in having the final say?
- Emotional edge: This has less to do with someone’s emotional knowledge and more with the impacts of one partner’s emotions. In some relationships, one person’s feelings or moods can steer the relationship.
- Social and professional standing: Whether we agree with it or not, society often significantly impacts our relationships. In society, some careers or social standings outrank others (hey, we didn’t say it was a good thing, just that it is). Differences in career success, education, or social standing can shift the power balance in a relationship.
- Personality traits: Some people are assertive and dominate the conversation, and some like to listen. Specific personality traits (e.g., assertiveness) may naturally increase power in a relationship.
These factors combine to create a unique power dynamic in a relationship, and as you can see, these factors can change with time and life events, gradually or suddenly.
Why do power dynamics matter?
So, who cares if there are power dynamics in a relationship? Well, couples should. Power (both actual and perceived) impacts various parts of a relationship, including satisfaction and commitment. It also plays a pivotal role in how intimate relationships develop and maintain connections over time. Research has seen that a balance of power in a relationship is connected with emotional well-being, relationship satisfaction, and stronger sexual desire.
The different types of power dynamics: Balanced, imbalanced, and shifting
Sorry to burst your bubble, but power dynamics are unavoidable in any relationship. What can be avoided are unhealthy imbalances. So, let’s see how three states of power dynamics (balanced, imbalanced, and shifting) can influence different parts of a relationship:
*A shifting power dynamic refers to when the power in the relationship keeps shifting between the partners, like being on a seesaw. While shifts are natural over time and across situations, when they happen too often or too dramatically, they can create instability or confusion.
How communication is impacted
Let’s discuss how the three different types of power dynamics are impacted by communication.
- Balanced: Encourages open conversation where both partners feel (and actually have) the opportunity to be heard. Openness to taking various points of view is prioritized.
- Imbalanced: This can lead to poor communication, where one partner’s voice dominates, and the other person feels ignored or railroaded.
- Shifting: This can result in mixed messages and uncertainty, making communication unstable or at least a little tricky.
How intimacy is impacted
Intimacy is crucial for a relationship, and power dynamics have a major impact. Let’s discuss.
- Balanced: This type creates a safe environment to create and maintain a solid emotional connection. In turn, this often promotes physical intimacy.
- Imbalanced: Resentment and lack of autonomy are intimacy killers, and imbalance here can leave a partner feeling distant and disconnected.
- Shifting: This may lead to a rollercoaster experience in the intimacy department—high highs and low lows in closeness, depending on where the power dynamic shifts. That unpredictability may be exciting in the short term, but it is exhausting in the long term.
Relationship Health
Different power dynamics can impact the overall health of a relationship. Here’s how.
- Balanced: When power is shared, it’s more likely that both partners are invested and motivated to behave in a way that prioritizes the relationship over themselves.
- Imbalanced: When one partner holds more power in the relationship, they’re less likely to act in a way that is best for the relationship. In other words, they’re less likely to sacrifice their own self-interest, which in turn decreases the health of a relationship.
- Shifting: Inconsistency in a relationship can create emotional uncertainty and increase anxiety, stress, and insecurity, which in turn erodes a relationship’s health.
Conflict Resolution
How a couple resolves conflict is critical for overall relationship health (no relationship goes without conflict; it’s about how you fix things). Here’s how dynamics play a part in this:
- Balanced: Allows room for healthy disagreement and conflict, and then resolution. Both partners have skin in the game and figure out solutions together.
- Imbalanced: It is more likely that issues or arguments are unresolved when one partner’s needs or opinions are prioritized. It may seem like an argument is resolved, but resentment may be brewing right underneath the surface.
- Shifting: Power moving back and forth quickly can lead to inconsistent conflict resolution depending on who is holding more power. That inconsistency can prolong the conflict or keep it from resolving fully.
Self-Esteem
The relationship dynamic can also impact individual self-esteem. Here’s how:
- Balanced: Provides space and support for both partners to maintain their sense of self. It also helps both partners build confidence and self-esteem in themselves because they have equity in the relationship.
- Imbalanced: As the partner with less power, this dynamic can chip away at their self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and disgruntlement.
- Shifting: Quick shifts can add to the confusion about roles in the relationship and identity, especially when the shift feels out of the person’s control.
How to spot red flags in power dynamics
You may be thinking about what kind of power dynamic you have in your relationship and if it’s healthy or not. But how do you do that? Spotting imbalances and unhealthy power dynamics is the first step to rectifying them. What should you watch out for? Here are a few of the top concerning signs:
- One person always makes the decisions without any (significant) input from the other. These decisions are considered final, with little room for discussion or consideration.
- Feelings or opinions are dismissed or ignored. Sometimes, this can be done intentionally or unintentionally, but both still have negative impacts.
- Emotional manipulation or pressure to get one’s way.
- Dependence on one partner for financial or emotional needs.
- Unequal division of responsibilities or roles in the relationship.
- Persistent feelings of resentment or frustration by one or both partners.
Tips for rebalancing the power
Rebalancing isn’t easy, but with consistency and intentionality, couples can make positive changes. Here are some tips on how to do that.
Figure out what you can change
Write down all the ways you can rebalance the dynamic, even if they may not be the best ways. Identify what factors can be changed. For instance, it may not be realistic for one partner to leave their job because they make more money than the other. You can brainstorm immediate changes and long-term changes, and have each partner identify what they want to prioritize the most.
Talk, talk, talk
Here are some ways to communicate better:
- Have many (many) conversations about the power dynamic in the relationship.
- Schedule a check-in to continue these conversations. Frequency helps make it easier to be open and honest and decreases the chances of missing signs.
- Each partner should share their point of view and be open to questions from the others.
- What do you see as your current responsibilities? Share those, how you feel about them, and what you’d like to see change.
- Is one partner having difficulty asserting themselves? Figure out ways to make that easier—one partner asking and creating space while the other partner takes the opportunity to speak up.
Share decision-making
Decide which decision to make together. Agree on a general plan for starting that process together. Brainstorm and test out ways to rotate responsibilities, including decision-making.
Dig Deep (Emotionally)
Take the time to notice when one or both partners feel unempowered and what the resulting feelings are. What else do these feelings bring up? Past experience? Core beliefs about yourself?
Raise Each Other Up
Identify any situation in which one partner feels overly dependent on the other. Brainstorm ways to help alleviate that–from both sides. Encourage each other to pursue hobbies, interests, and friendships to maintain a sense of self and independence.
Share and respect each other’s boundaries, and learn how to help each other define acceptable behavior in the relationship. Share appreciation for each other and celebrate each other’s strengths. This will help each partner feel validated for their contribution to the relationship.
Lay It Out With A Prenup
Clarify financial expectations in a prenup to prevent misunderstandings and help create a more power-balanced foundation. It can help promote fairness with a legal document that protects the interests of both partners. Prenups encourage open discussion about finances, future goals, and potential power dynamics.
Add Support
Don’t hesitate to seek therapy or other support. Seek a couples therapist to help you explore the power dynamics and develop specific interventions for your relationship. Individual therapy may be beneficial with or before couples therapy. If it feels difficult to shift the power dynamic or personal factors are making it difficult, or one partner just needs a space of their own, this is a great option!
The bottom line on power dynamics in relationships
Power dynamics are inevitable in any relationship, but they don’t have to be unhealthy. Promoting a good balance can have significant benefits for your relationship—higher commitment, trust, and satisfaction. By understanding how power is distributed in our relationships and how to take proactive steps, couples can build a strong, healthy marriage. Remember, the goal is to create a partnership where both partners feel valued, respected, and loved.
Dr. Vivian Oberling is a licensed clinical psychologist with degrees from UCLA, Harvard, and Stanford. In her private telehealth practice, she works with adults navigating anxiety, identity shifts, and relationship dynamics—whether they’re dating, partnered, or parenting. She also provides executive coaching and behavioral health advisory support to tech startups and legal tools reshaping how we think about love, marriage, and psychological safety. Dr. Oberling combines 10+ years of clinical expertise with modern, real-world insight to help people move through uncertainty with clarity and connection.
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